My DD (3) and my dad are very close and she loves her grandfather. I live abroad and he regularly stays with us in the spare room for extended periods. Until recently DD used to wake up early and go and watch TV with my dad in bed on his phone (very handy for me and partner since she used to wake up at 6, and he does too as he's older). It means that me and partner can have a bit of a lie in during the holidays and a break in the mornings.
A couple of months ago my partner starting expressing concerns about DD being in my dad's bed and asked if they could just go downstairs in the mornings. I thought it was a shame but I understood (my partner is female and has a history of abuse) so I did ask if they do that. However, this morning I woke up late (went to sleep downstairs on the couch as DD was noisy and it was "my" night) and didn't hear DD go to my dad's room. She loves to cuddle with him in the mornings. Partner woke up from hearing them, stormed out of our bedroom in a rage and demanded to know why I had allowed this, that I was breaking so many boundaries etc etc and is now furious with me for not being firm, that I have a weak spot for my father etc
Part of the problem is that my partner has become increasingly irritated at having my father here for long periods of time and I've tried all kinds of negotiations to keep the peace. Just now we shortened the visit to 5 days here, 6 days he goes away somewhere else, 5 days back here. I thought we had a good agreement but partner started already complaining two days before his return and that she wants her last holidays before she goes back to work with just us, being very possessive etc etc. Now with this incident this morning it just seems to have blown up.
I'm also a little irritated with partner because we both work (her 4 days, me 3.5) but she is awful with getting up in the mornings with DD and I have to do that most of the time. Having my father here gives me a break.
She is also mad if I bring up the topic of her abuse and says that has nothing to do with DD being in my father's bed in the mornings.
What is your guys' opinion? Is a 3 year old being in grandads bed ok? If not, how should I best broach this with him without offending him?