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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave and move away with children

23 replies

Bonnie1398 · 03/01/2024 07:18

I wrote a post just before Christmas and really appreciated everyone’s thoughts.
I left home for the Christmas holidays with my children due to difficulties in my marriage and now I am considering next steps.

If we separate would it be unreasonable to move back to my home town with my children to get support from family / friends. It would be 200 miles away from my husband. I would support contact arrangements etc!
In the town we currently reside in I would not be able to afford to rent or buy a house on my own. I work part time so not sure I qualify for any other help?

We have 2 children (DS4 & DD7) and my husband has older children, 2 have moved out and visit and 1 lives with us the majority of the time.

Any thoughts/ advice?

OP posts:

liveforsummer · 03/01/2024 07:23

How is he likely to take that arrangement? Because at that distance he could block the move via court if he was so inclined

DustyLee123 · 03/01/2024 07:23

He can try to prevent the move I believe. Hopefully people on here will help you with reasons to support your move.

Zanatdy · 03/01/2024 07:28

I was in your boat and I ended up staying where I am, 250 miles away from my support network. My children were 5 and 2 when we split and he did say he would block a move, but I didn’t want to put my kids through that journey or take them from their dad so I’ve stayed. When I was on a lower salary I got help with the rent and sure you will too, go on entitled to website and there’s a calculator for the financial help you’d need. If he’s a good dad I think it’s in your children’s interest to stay local. My DD will be 18 in 2yrs time and when she goes off to Uni I’m finally moving back and will be buying a house then. It’s been frustrating stuck here renting when friends up north have nearly paid off their mortgages. I stayed though and then my ex has spent 7yrs of the last 12 working overseas so if I had my time again I might have moved. Not sure though.

TookTheBook · 03/01/2024 07:30

It looks like for now you might be best off for the kids staying near where you live now. Talk to Citizens Advice about what help and benefits you might be entitled to, that's literally what they are there for. Or try the Turn 2 Us calculator online.

Sirzy · 03/01/2024 07:33

I think you should try to stay closer to where you are. Taking the children away from everything they know is far from ideal

Tourmalines · 03/01/2024 07:36

Not fair on them or your husband to take them that far . Either work full time or apply for benefits .

SylvieLaufeydottir · 03/01/2024 07:40

Are you going to drive a 400 mile round trip x2 every other weekend so they can have contact? What are they supposed to do for a relationship with their father when they get older and have weekend events and sports matches etc? No. You are going to have to make it work where you are. I would certainly block the move were I him.

Tacotortoise · 03/01/2024 07:45

I haven't seen your previous posts so don't know your situation. If you move, how often do you envisage your husband seeing your children? How would it work? Would you do an 400 mile round trip twice to drop them off every other weekend - you wouldn't, would you? And as they grow up they're not going to want to go so far from activities and friends regularly at the weekend so he'd hardly see them at all. Is that really what you want for them?

Original poster

Bonnie1398 · 03/01/2024 07:49

In the brief discussions we have had so far he has said he will support us moving as he wants to move from our current location when his eldest finishes school.

OP posts:

TinyYellow · 03/01/2024 07:51

Unless your husband is a danger to you or your children because of abuse, it would be wrong to move them so far away from their father and siblings.

You say you would support contact arrangements but how are you going to do that if you can’t afford to pay for the majority of the travel expenses? Even if you could pay for regular it, it would not be in your children’s best interests to have to spend so much time travelling just to see their own father.

Littleladylumps · 03/01/2024 07:51

Move now while the kids are young enough to adapt. Start the wheels in motion and see if he tries to block you, if he does get a solicitor. The courts will listen to your reasons and it would be hugely in your favour that you have a good support network when you move.

stayathomer · 03/01/2024 07:52

Op I’m so sorry but unless there’s a huge backstory- how do you support contact arrangements? Within years they’ll be too busy at the weekends to see him- you wouldn’t allow him to take them that far- my world would end if my kids were that far away (and that’s not me being over dramatic)

stayathomer · 03/01/2024 07:52

Sorry just saw he supports it. Really?!?!?

HowAmYa · 03/01/2024 08:01

Is he a shit dad? I mean why does he agree?
Was he abusive? What you're asking for is not in the children's best interests, you're making maintaining a relationship with their father quite impossible with ridiculous travelling involved.

Please give us more info

I cant think why anyone would move their children away from 1 parent unless that parent is disinterested in maintaining a relationship with their child. Or if you both agree its impossible to live separately financially and he moves to same city with you?

I think if I moved after my divorce I'd have ended up in court! Exh was not husband material but he's a wonderful father to DD and shes an incredibly happy girl and its down to seeing him every other day

barkymcbark · 03/01/2024 08:22

What will the contact arrangement be, if it's 50/50 then it won't work, if he wants to see his dc during the week he won't be able to.

If he's not abusive or a shit Dad then I think it would be pretty awful for you to move 200 miles away. You say you will support contact but I doubt you'd want to travel 800 miles a week to drop them off and collect them. Also things like parents evenings, school plays, hobby competitions, he won't be able to attend and although that's not great for him, it's your dc that will be impacted never having their df attend activities etc. you mention it's also because of support, your dh will be there to support you if needed.

In your shoes I'd find a way to enable you and the dc to stay close to the area you are in now

That said, if he supports it then go for it, but I'd thrash out contact and how that looks, who will travel, where will they stay etc

StripeyDeckchair · 03/01/2024 08:45

I'm going against the majority to say move.
If you gain a supportive network and can achieve independent financial stability these are both huge things. Your children are young and moving school/nursery will be relatively easy. Once you get into secondary school moving is tough.

Will your H

have the children 50% of the time
cover 50% of their sickness/school holidays with his leave
take them to 50% of their out of school activities & friends parties
step & do more if youre ill

i bet the answer is NO, so think about how these things will happen

I moved & never regretted it.

Phillipa12 · 03/01/2024 08:48

I was in your position 7 years ago. I did move 250 miles away, back to my home town, my ex did not block it as it was a sensible move as my dcs ages were 6, 2 and 1 and he was not a very present dad due to long working hours. We agreed on a halfway point and the dc have been doing this trip eow. It's only now that the visits have become less due to dcs ages and them wanting to see friends etc at weekends. Ex is happy to drop weekends every so often as his new life is not adaptable to children. One thing I will say is that at the time it was the right move, but I seriously hate that journey, 3 hrs everyother Fri and Sun is a killer. I will always do it because it is for my dc but the day I never have to do that trip cannot come soon enough.

similarminimer · 03/01/2024 08:49

What about your eldest child's school? Leaving father, hime school and friends seems a big ask

Beezknees · 03/01/2024 08:50

You will be entitled to help with UC if you don't earn very high, you might be surprised by how much you get. I work full time and my rent is only £500pm and I still get over £500 a month in UC, I only have one child too and no childcare costs.

MadAboutThat · 03/01/2024 08:54

I could never do this to my kids, if he's planning to move in the future, I would wait until he's ready.

I could never, ever forgive myself if I was the reason that my children didn't see their dad more, whether he supported the move or not.

My kid's dad sees him half and half though, and we're flexible with changes and picking up from school etc.
If you don't think the relationship will be affected then you need to do what you think is best, especially as you have support from the father.

Overthebow · 03/01/2024 08:55

What will contact look like? It’s not really fair on the kids for them to do 400 miles every other weekend. They will miss out on weekend activities, parties and friends too.

NerrSnerr · 03/01/2024 08:56

My children have friends who are 9 and 7 whose dad lives a similar distance away. They struggle as they miss at least 50% of parties/ events (visit every other weekend and 50% of holidays). Their mum drives them about half way after school on a Friday, it takes hours because of Friday rush hour. They're exhausted on the Monday after his weekend. They also can't do any regular weekend activities or activities that have weekend matches/ competitions. It's hard for the kids.

saraclara · 03/01/2024 09:01

You're going to get the same responses as you did last time, so I'm not sure why you're asking again.

It's too far. Your poor kids will struggle to see their dad (and step siblings?) It's a really long journey and they'll miss out on a lot.

You say their dad is planning to move when his eldest is older. Move to where? Very near to where you want to be?

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