Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this relationship abusive?

19 replies

Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 00:18

Thoughts on this please.

He was my first love and we were together for 12 years.

We were very young when we got together and lived together for 3 years before splitting.
He was insanely jealous, would hate me talking to any man, even through work.
His cousin gave me a lift once and he accused me for ages of having an affair with him.
He would sometimes check my knickers.
Had a very high sex drive and would badger me for sex, going on and on until I "gave in".
Would have hands all over me in bed and wouldn't give up until I agreed to have sex. Or would just say "Oh give me a BJ then".
I would sometimes cry when having sex and he would say " I would be much quicker if you stopped crying".

Im not sure if this is abusive or not? When we split up it did leave me with a lot of issues and I felt that the only way to get love from a man was to sleep with them.

I would really appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 03/01/2024 00:22

I'm sorry you were treated this way. Yes, this was an abusive relationship. He sounds awful. He treated you cruelly. I'm glad you're away from him now and hope you have the support you need to heal from how you were treated.

YDBear · 03/01/2024 01:48

Yes, without a doubt.

Fionaville · 03/01/2024 01:58

The comment about you crying and it being over quicker if you stopped, is the worst one for me. He was an abusive, sexual predator just for that. With everything else too, yes he was very abusive.

Mmhmmn · 03/01/2024 01:59

That’s horrific and most definitely abusive. I hope you’re either man free or with a better person now but safe in any case. Your ex was a piece of shit.

OlympicProcrastinator · 03/01/2024 02:51

He’s a rapist and a controlling arsehole. Absolutely abusive yes. I hope you’re ok now OP.

Dartmoorcheffy · 03/01/2024 03:09

Extremely abusive

TheShellBeach · 03/01/2024 03:38

How horrible for you, OP.

That sounds extremely abusive.

Original poster
Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 07:51

Thank you for your replies, I just remembered something else.

When we had the interment of my grandmas ashes, I had to go back to work after as I had taken time off for the cremation.

He drove me back to work but got angry because I refused to go home for a "quickie".

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 10:51

I don't quite know what to do?

This has come up because he messaged me through SM asking how I was and wanting to catch up.

We had a quick text chat about our families and I told him that after our break up I hated him for a long time.
I told him why and he said that he never did that and why would I say it? It said it made him feel crap. He wants to have a telephone call. Half of me wants to as the old wounds have been opened and I would like some "closure"
But the other half thinks it's best left alone ?

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 03/01/2024 10:55

Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 10:51

I don't quite know what to do?

This has come up because he messaged me through SM asking how I was and wanting to catch up.

We had a quick text chat about our families and I told him that after our break up I hated him for a long time.
I told him why and he said that he never did that and why would I say it? It said it made him feel crap. He wants to have a telephone call. Half of me wants to as the old wounds have been opened and I would like some "closure"
But the other half thinks it's best left alone ?

This man abused, controlled, degraded and sexually assaulted you for 12 years. He is a predator. Do NOT have any kind of conversation with him. Block him NOW. He is an absolute danger.

I think you'd benefit from therapy.

Sparklfairy · 03/01/2024 10:57

Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 10:51

I don't quite know what to do?

This has come up because he messaged me through SM asking how I was and wanting to catch up.

We had a quick text chat about our families and I told him that after our break up I hated him for a long time.
I told him why and he said that he never did that and why would I say it? It said it made him feel crap. He wants to have a telephone call. Half of me wants to as the old wounds have been opened and I would like some "closure"
But the other half thinks it's best left alone ?

Jesus. He wants a call so he can bully and gaslight you into saying it never happened. You can't get 'closure' from an abuser.

I would just block him, but if you must, write back and say, 'A phone call is unnecessary. I have moved on. I appreciate you respecting my decision and I don't want to hear from you again.'

You might also want to throw in, 'You feeling 'crap' about your behaviour is your responsibility and not mine' Winkdon't do this

letmechange · 03/01/2024 10:58

It most certainly was abusive!

What an awful person he is!

letmechange · 03/01/2024 11:02

He wants to have a telephone call.

Let him want. He is not the boss of you. Time he realised that.
The question is what do YOU want? That's all that matters now.

Half of me wants to as the old wounds have been opened and I would like some "closure"

Understandable, but think about it. Do you really think this nasty bully cares about your feelings and giving you closure? Of course not! This call will be ALL about him and his wants, same as the whole relationship was.

But the other half thinks it's best left alone ?

That's the half to listen to. Block this man from your life in every way possible.

You say your relationships has left you with issues. Can you afford counselling?

Could you at least do the Freedom Programme?

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/#coursevid

TerrorAustralis · 03/01/2024 11:03

Yes, the relationship was 100% abusive. He’s still trying to gaslight you now.

Don’t let him back into your life. Block and move on.

I agree with the suggestion of therapy to unpack the past and heal from it, and to learn what a healthy relationship looks like.

NonPlayerCharacter · 03/01/2024 11:13

Im not sure if this is abusive or not?

Yes. Highly. I'm very sorry. It's not your fault.

Original poster
Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 11:23

Thank you all for your replies.

I am actually having therapy at the moment. We haven't really gone through this yet because so much has happened since that relationship.

I married a man who I thought was lovely
( mainly because he never badgered me for sex).

Turns out he is incredibly emotionally abusive which led me to a breakdown!

The guy before that was physically abusive, so I am a very damaged person.

OP posts:
readymealeater · 03/01/2024 11:29

Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 11:23

Thank you all for your replies.

I am actually having therapy at the moment. We haven't really gone through this yet because so much has happened since that relationship.

I married a man who I thought was lovely
( mainly because he never badgered me for sex).

Turns out he is incredibly emotionally abusive which led me to a breakdown!

The guy before that was physically abusive, so I am a very damaged person.

I've picked a bad one after a bad one after a bad one too.

You are doing the right thing having therapy to get to the bottom of this.

I would stay single until you've been through therapy and started to enjoy being single. No man should get into your life ever again unless he's adding something worthwhile to it.

Build up your interests, friends, work, life in general. Don't be empty and bored, that's when we start thinking just about any man is great and will fill us up.

You need to fill yourself up first.

Original poster
Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 11:41

@readymealeater
Thank you. Unfortunately, I'm still married and trying to figure out a way to escape.

The last few years have not been great, mentally and physically.

OP posts:
letmechange · 03/01/2024 11:49

Mamfa78 · 03/01/2024 11:41

@readymealeater
Thank you. Unfortunately, I'm still married and trying to figure out a way to escape.

The last few years have not been great, mentally and physically.

You'll do it.

You've already put yourself on the right track by having therapy and making this post.

This has come up because he messaged me through SM asking how I was and wanting to catch up.

He should be blocked.

We had a quick text chat about our families and I told him that after our break up I hated him for a long time.

I would tell him nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

I would mention all this to your therapist. You are trying to get out of a bad marriage and are back in contact with an abusive ex who pre dates this marriage.

Discuss with your therapist why you are doing this. You need to find out deep down what is going on and why.

You need to get all these abusers out of your life for good!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page