About money

[mummabi]

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.

Have been arguing with my DH about something- which is unusual in itself. DH went and spent £200 on something completely unnecessary. Like most people, January is a long month as we have both been paid before Christmas.

We have enough money, but none spare. He lied to my face about spending the money, not once, but three times making something up which I knew was a lie.

He is now saying I'm controlling about money but I am not. We have been together nearly 20 years and I wouldn't usually care what he spent. However, I think it's selfish to go and spend that amount of money on yourself in January when I have already spent a small fortune on him for Christmas and we are watching the pennies.

More than anything I'm hurt about the fact he lied to my face about where the money had gone. He has now said I am acting the victim as I said he is deceitful where money is concerned (he has form for hiding money) and that I'm angry and upset he lied to me. I said I don't feel like I can trust him where money is concerned. We are supposed to be renewing our vows this year and I said to him I don't see the point when I can't trust him and he is shouting and swearing at me. I genuinely have not raised my voice at him and always try to support him.

I just feel so fed up and low.

Stop sharing finances.

I wouldn’t spend money on a vow renewal - it’s a waste of money and more than £200.

You need to stop arguing and start planning proper financial security.

Joint account for bills - equal to a % of pay and a % to savings the rest should be fun money.

YANBU.

our policy is do what you like if it doesn’t effect “the unit”

if it does it’s a joint decision.

the fact he lied to so fucking childish and means he knows he is doing wrong.

if it’s out of character is there something else going on / underlying this?

I’d be asking /insisting it’s returned either way.

and yes fuck the vow renewals…

I agree with ScarlettTulips, he has shown himself to be untrustworthy, I wouldn’t want joint finances with him.

Does he have any good points?! He sounds like a shouty idiot.

the fact he lied to so fucking childish and means he knows he is doing wrong

Or he knows OP won’t be happy.

He can be secretive where money is concerned. If we had plenty of money left over I wouldn't have cared if he took £200 and spent it on himself. This particular month we have paid out a lot and the children also need some things and we have had to replace our fridge freezer on top of Christmas.

But to be honest,all of that is annoying, the most hurtful thing is lying to me, not once, but three times and only admitting what he spent it on once he knew there was no way to get out of it. When I asked to see a receipt he accused me of interrogating him. I only asked as his story changed so many times I didn't know what the truth was anymore!! If only he had of said I would have said to him why doesn't he get it next month when we don't have so much on.

@Scarletttulips he would have known I would not have been happy. He knows a different month I would not have cared, but as things were tighter this month I would have asked if it could wait.

It is annoying and selfish after Christmas I agree.

However you should both have personal spends that has no questions asked. As I would hate someone watching all of my spending.

Go spend 200 yourself.. This was the only way my now exh saw how much he was frittering away. And actually contributed massively to the reason I threw him out...

You need to have a single bills, food and kids account, maybe a joint saving for emergencies account and keep the rest separate. That way what he spends is only his own to spend.

However the issue of lying is something needing dealt with and that will only eat away at you more as time goes on.

You sound like money isn’t really a huge problem so that ordinarily £200 would be nothing. I think the bigger problem is his ease of lying. Sorry no good advice on dealing with that.

The lying would be what upset me too,OP. How are you supposed to trust him when he lies to your face?

He obviously knows he's been a shit and is reacting defensively.