In law troubles

[GAZ0188]

Hi Girls, just looking for tips and coping mechanisms if others have been In this situation.

My baby is the 1st grandchild of my in-laws and I cannot deal with how overpowering and obsessed they have become.

It all started when he was newborn, I had a section, partner is self employed to had to go back to work pretty quickly and MIL was at our house every single day (9 till 4ish for about 2 weeks till i blew my top). I live hours away from any of my family and found this completely over bearing. My partner does not see this atall as he feels his Mum was trying to help, despite me saying multiple times that I didn't want her there whilst learning to breast feed/midwife visits etc. Sometimes you just needed to walk about with your boots out!

I have now distanced myself from them as best I can, avoiding them at any given time as I cannot deal with her obsessivness over my baby and I feel like this has all came from him being a newborn, not being allowed the space and them effectively bursting my baby bubble.

Whenever I hear they are visiting, or need to be involved with them, my initial reaction is to remove myself (and sometimes my baby) from the situation and disappear so I don't have to see them .

As you can imagine this can cause tension in my relationship as he feels i now hate his parents.

Does anyone have any tips on how to cope with this? Am I being unreasonable?

They have also mentioned many times about me having post natal depression/anxiety as I wouldn't leave him with them (I'm on mat leave for 9 months and have no reason to?!) I have no other feelings of sadness/anger towards anything or anyone else, it's only towards them since I resent her from effectively bursting my baby bubble.

I had similar issues when I had my first dc. My in-laws were obsessed and it seemingly didn't occur to them that I might want / need my own space. I used to lock my front door and hide in my own home, pretending not to be in! It's a shame really looking back, because they’d have probably got more of what they wanted (access to my baby!) had they just been a bit more respectful of boundaries and not so full on. The more they pushed, the more I wanted to pull away. They were also always asking for alone time with my baby. I didn't want to be apart from my baby (very normal!), plus it made me feel like an unwanted spare part!

My advice is to get your dh to manage them and lay down the boundaries you want.

Also, I did find it easier to cope with them (my inlaws) as my dc got older and were able to communicate their needs themselves. Toddlers aren't backwards in coming forwards when it comes to telling people what they like / dislike!

You're not being unreasonable.

Your partner isn't being a full partner to you. When you said that you didn't want his mother/father/whoever around, he should have passed that information back and they should have accepted that and left you to find your feet.
Your partner didn't do that and his family didn't leave you alone.

You need to have a heart to heart with your partner and say that you need to establish simple but effective boundaries and there is no time like the present. They need to be in place before you go back to work so that is why you want to start now.

I'm going to say that you are not depressed (unless your GP or PHN suggests you might be) and I'd recommend having a word with them to at the very least let them know the situation. Who are they to suggest that you might be depressed? If you are still having PHN visits for your child, then have a chat then during one of those visits and explain your situation. They may be able to have a conversation with your partner and get them to see what has happened.

Your partner's family has robbed you of the time that you get with a newborn when you get to be a mum and baby all by yourselves. A visit to pop in for a half an hour to check if everything was ok and then leave would have been more than enough. She didn't do that and also as she was HIS mother and not YOUR mother, you didn't feel as relaxed in her company. She was forcing her company on you. It's no wonder you want to run and hide when the mere mention of her stopping by happens.

For the immediate timeframe I would say that if she wants to visit, she is welcome to but due to her constant hovering when you were discharged from hospital, you no longer want to share in those visits for the time being. This may change in time but they shouldn't be getting their noses out of joint because they brought this on themselves.

Sorry for the long post.

You need to take back control and then you will feel better towards them, although it's hard to forgive damage done in the early days. Visits need to be at a frequency set by you. I suggest meeting at their house or on neutral territory, or if they overstay their welcome at yours take baby away for a nap and don't come back. Tell them firmly that "thanks but you don't want any help". You can say that you don't like too many visitors, that you love spending time with baby and don't want a break, that you have to meet your friends so don't have time, whatever is factual and clear. Your partner needs to support you. It gets easier as your child gets older and develops their own relationship and you can be less involved.

I told my husband no visits unless he was there himself. As he isn't that keen on his parents either, and certainly didn't want to give up his free time for them, that naturally limited the amount of visiting.

It’s really hard.

I felt similar but (luckily?) my mil lives further away. Mixed feeling on this as she comes to stay and randomly turns up earlier than agreed and / or won’t fucking leave 🤣🤣🤣

it’s difficult because its a really strong revulsion? almost… and you know while she’s a dickhead you know some of it… a tiny bit.. is you.

none of this may resonate but I am now in a slightly negative to neutral place re my mil vs when I gave birth and I could barely tolerate being I. The same room as her… like she would walk in and I’d walk out 😬

I focused on a couple of things.

1. you cannot have enough people love your child. My mil isn’t perfect but isn’t totally toxic so I endure her because she loves my child and I want my child to be loved.
2. I challenged some of my own thoughts and how reasonable some of them were and also whether her actions were intended poorly. My mil did some very annoying things but it came from a good place (eg giving moronically impractical gifts like a 5ft giraffe or buying things that meant she was essentially “stealing our firsts”. she meant well and was excited and is materialistic and doesn’t think about others vs trying to be an arsehole)
3. what is reasonable. It’s reasonable to see your GC once a week or 2-3 per fortnight if local. It’s “reasonable” for me to put up with one weekend every 2 months. It’s not reasonable for her to randomly come Thu-Tue if invited for the weekend (DH sent her home on Sunday)
4. having positive interactions. All my interactions were negative so I focused on trying to have a short positive interaction then making an excuse to leave the room so I didn’t have to tolerate her any longer 🫣 it does weirdly work and I can be in the same room without my skin feeling itchy.

Thank you all for making me feel like I am not going crazy and intact they are being unreasonable.

I go back to work soon and MIL is looking after him 2 days a week. To me this is more than enough time for them to see him without having to get me involved as dad will be doing drop off/pick ups etc. I'm hoping this stops the frequent unannounced visits - it's either that or they'll become worse as they are the kind of give an inch and they take a mile inlaws 🫠

😬😬😬
I would make it VERY clear from the outset of your MiL looking after your son that when an instruction relating to feeding/whatever is given, it's from BOTH of you and not something that is up for discussion or for her to ignore, no matter how well intentioned her ideas on such things might be. I'd also be very clear that if she is taking your son out and about that the right safety measures are taken (use the car seat/whatever) and any times she may feel she can ignore things, she really can't.

I would do it on a short term basis to begin with and don't feel in the slightest bit guilty if you need to find an alternative arrangement if she oversteps/overreaches.