Shouting at 2 year old DD

[pinksheetss]

Looking for some advice really

My DD turns two tomorrow, and is definetely entering a stage of testing boundaries and requiring some discipline but nothing too over the top. For example tonight it's just been throwing things around the room, chasing the dogs with her toys and later not eating her dinner - typical two year old stuff
Of course I try get her to eat her dinner, and I do tell her to stop when throwing things and upsetting the dogs

However tonight my partner ended up shouting at her, he done it various times and raises his voice to get her to stop what she's doing. She ends up crying and coming to me for comfort. When she wouldn't eat her supper he got up, took hold of her by the arm and directed her back to her seat to eat. It made me extremely uncomfortable and I told him not too, he then turned round and shouted at me, said I have to let him parent her and I chose to have a kid with him so should accept how he does it.

I'm not comfortable with this at all and don't believe that shouting at her will teach her and instead will just make her scared of him. She already won't go to him for most things and prefers me, not a phase thing either as it's been this way for ages

I think he doesn't know how to parent, doesn't really look into it and won't accept me explaining to him

Am I being unreasonable? Should he be okay to shout at her and this is acceptable form of parenting?

If not, are there any resources I can give him/explain to him how to parent?

I have a 2 year old and they can be very testing, but regardless I don't believe that shouting is ever an effective approach to parenting them, no. There are other ways of teaching right from wrong. If his approach is making you feel uncomfortable as an adult woman, it's probably utterly terrifying for a 2 year old.

Is this partner your child’s father?

You can google for yourself the effects of shouting on toddlers - there's some research that points to harmful effects. Show him that.

Sometimes you just have to raise your voice - and yes even take them by the arm to direct them where they need to go

I think you are trying to make out your partner is abusive and get validation from MN to that affect perhaps?

I have x2 2 year olds and I often have to shout to be heard

If my children's dad gave me some parenting resources I'd be pretty pissed off and feel totally undermined. You should be parenting as a united front

chasing the dogs with her toys and you allow this? Nip this in the bud right away or separate your child from the animals.

'but nothing too over the top. For example tonight it's just been throwing things around the room, chasing the dogs with her toys and later not eating her dinner - typical two year old stuff'

Chasing dogs is completely unacceptable and bad parenting.

My best parenting resources are this article, https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/handling-anger, the book How to Talk so little kids will listen and The Book You Wish Your Parents had read. I hope you can get him to engage with them. I've shouted at my kids but it's something I would always like to avoid and I always apologise afterwards. It sounds like he was angry and I hope he is able to be more reasonable when he calms down. His expectations of a two year old are unreasonable and he is probably being triggered by how he was parented. But as the resources above show it is very important to try not to shout, and to repair when you do.

Partner is child's father - yes

Absolutely not trying to make out he's abusive. I'm asking if shouting is a way to discipline a two year old. If I ever thought he was abusive I would instantly leave

She's separated from the dogs and told instantly it's wrong

How did you stop her throwing things around the room?

It is really hard to know without seeing what's going on. One way in which DH and I work best, is when we are sharing tips about what worked or didn't work with DS. Generally we prefer to be calm, we do accept either of us might get wound up and not do our best work... and absolutely no way would we have allowed throwing, chasing dogs, nor roaming off from dinner. Did he lead her back gently yet firmly, or drag her by the arm in temper? Be honest with yourself, the answer really fucking matters.

I'd never shout at a 2 year old. I can admit to growing as a parent. I shouted at my eldest when he was younger (not 2, but from maybe 5) Whereas I've never so much as raised my voice or told off my now 12 year old in anyway and she's been a dream child.
Shouting never works. Especially to a toddler. It's quite cruel really. I wouldnt like the arm grabbing either. I wouldn't undermine the other parent in front of the child (unless they took it too far and smacked etc) but I'd be having serious words later on.

I'm asking if shouting is a way to discipline a two year old

Then yes. So long as it's not all the time for absolute everything/anything they do and is proportionate to the situation. My 2 year olds get the mum look, then a warning, then if it continues then yes I raise my voice.

If it's something dangerous then they'll get the raised voice first

Shouting does no good* unless you want your child to fear you, I've no idea how you get that through to him though as it doesn't sound like he wants to hear it and he shouts at you too as soon as you say something he doesn't like. If he thinks that it's an acceptable way to treat you...

Taking her arm and taking her back to eat could be done in a gentle and encouraging way. I'm not confident that it was though.

*Edit: unless it is rare enough that the shock of it will quickly stop them doing something dangerous!

I also dont mean I've never done it at other times, but I catch myself, take a breath and apologise for it. I definitely wouldn't say its "my way" like it's a strategy I have chosen!

I was actually in the kitchen cooking dinner during this time
However anytime she has done it and I'm there I explain to her not to throw, put the toys away and distract her with something else

Probably not a perfect way either, absolutely won't suggest I'm perfect at all in parenting. I'm also learning. I don't want to be a shouter though, I don't want my daughter to fear me.

Creating fear around food is pretty harmful OP. If she doesn't want to eat then don't make her, it's her choice. Pressure will make everything worse. Your partner sounds incredibly immature.

I do occasionally shout but only as a last resort and only for major infringement... physical violence or destroying things. My shouting will be "stop it" or similar. I use a Janet Lansbury style of discipline - stay calm and in control, explain clearly what you want and always calmly and gently help the child to do it, model the behaviour you want and teach them how to behave. It really works and is simple to follow.

My husband shouts very aggressively as a first resort for really minor things and often uses derogatory language such as idiot or swears.

I have to say the children are much more respectful and obedient towards me, they have their moments of course but they are generally great to be with. They will speak politely to me and each other and share toys, with the odd reminder. With my husband they quickly become defiant, ignore him, physically retaliate.

Basically they are learning nothing when he shouts except that he is unpredictable and shouty. It doesn't help them learn the correct way to behave as when they are being shouted at they are not thinking about what they were doing. Unfortunately my husband won't learn any parenting skills, he just expects a higher standard from them than he can manage himself. Sounds like yours is similar. I don't know the answer.

I agree you have to parent as a team. If your DH is firm with your DD and you undermine his discipline I can see he will get pissed off with you.

What does he hope to achieve by yelling at her to eat? Does he decide that he must have been mistaken about being full because someone yells in his face? I think most people have snapped and yelled at a toddler before, they know how to push buttons, but have a conversation when he is calm to see what the driver is. Parents job is to provide the food, her job is to decide how much.

The dog thing is actively dangerous though, there should never be a time where she is left alone with them to try and wind them up. Stepping in after she has done something they don't like is far too late.

I suspect what actually happens is you are the wet parent and he has to overcompensate for this. Your entire post is very telling.

Shouting won't work as it will just make her fear him.

I found it helpful to research what a two years old brain is actually developmentally capable of doing as you get frustrated with them not doing something or not listening instantly when they're brain doesn't actually process things that way yet. Some parts of the brain aren't even fully developed until 25 years old.

I agree nip the dog chasing in the bud as someone is going to get hurt.

Throwing things is actually a very normal developmental stage for kids you just need to say we don't throw xyz if you want to throw a toy heres a ball etc.

Same with eating - I adjusted my mindset on this as I was getting v frustrated but would i like if someone was telling me I had to eat and I didn't want to. It's your job to provide her with food but her job to listen to her body of when it's hungry and decide if she wants to eat it.

Shouting at a child at that age really isn't okay...maybe starting to use a firmer voice but not full on shouting! How scary for your poor little girl :( She has no control over her actions at that age.
I dread to think what he will be like with her when she is older if he is that harsh already....and I'm quite a shouty parent at times,but would never have done so at that age, she's still a baby!
Please protect her and don't let him keep doing this.You say he shouts at you too...does he have form for being verbally abusive/aggressive?

Completely agree there is no need to shout at a 2 year old - one piece of advice i was given was that an upset toddler will stop to listen to a whisper but not stop when they are shouted at. I've tried it and it really works so now if I need my son to listen to me I whisper. Maybe try that and show your partner that works.