To still feel like an outsider after 9 years living here?

[Oddstockings]

I moved from the south east to north (Yorkshire to be precise) around 9 years ago. My DP grew up here and my son who is now 5, was born here.

However, I still feel like an outsider, different and like I don’t properly belong.

The past couple of jobs I’ve had (schools) I’ve been treated poorly and basically bullied because of my accent and the fact I’m an outsider to the area.
The place I’m living (without being too outing) is fairly small and lots of locals who have never left and have generations of families here. There are some that haven’t been outside of this town, ever.

The are some southerners and those from other areas too and I have noticed more lately.

In my son’s reception class a lot of the parents went to the local high school together or have family members who did.

My DP has been a teacher at the local comp and when we’ve previously walked through the village current pupils and those who have left will say “Hi Mr…” so you can imagine what a small and localised place this is.

I've only lived in my current town for 3 years, but very much feel like an outsider. It's just my 2 DC (early primary) and me. No family.

I do have friends - really nice people- but I've struggled a lot with poor physical and mental health (and I'm Autistic and have ADHD) and find friendships/socialising challenging to say the least.

I moved to North Somerset from the South East 10 years ago and have never found my 'fit'. I think it's a 'me' problem, though.

I'm sorry to hear you've experienced workplace bullying.

💚

I was born in Dagenham, lived a long time in Suffolk and now Cumbria on the Scottish border. Still have a very strong Dag accent! I've been in Cumbria for 4 years and have had some issues; but noticing more and more people moving up here from the South so it is getting more diverse. My partner is a Yorkshireman so we make quite an interesting combo!

It's normal, and not restricted to Yorkshire, I'm sure, though the bullying you have experienced is awful.

I've lived in various places. Never felt at home, apart from where I grew up, and bizarrely London where outsiders outnumber locals. I lived in a village in the south east, lovely place, lovely people, but you knew you belonged to the outsiders, rather than the locals who had lived there for generations. It is the same where I am now, in the south west. And yes, my RP accent gets laughed at as 'posh' by the locals.

I've lived here for 22 years, my kids have been through the local schools, I was a school governor and DH runs a youth group. We are STILL "blow-ins". Lots of the parents and grandparents went to the same schools, we're never going to catch up with that 😂

Happily I am quite misanthropic anyway and couldn't give a monkeys.

I experienced the same when I moved from the South West to North Yorkshire. We lived there for nearly 4 years and my son started Primary school there. I did have a few good friends but they were mainly people I met through work and lived in the nearest city while we lived in a small market town. I had a similar experience to you (although no bullying) and it never felt like home or like I belonged there. We moved to a more cosmopolitan area in the North East and it was totally different. I absolutely love the NE and was instantly made to feel involved in community and like I belonged. Made several great groups of friends who are like family now (mant of them born and brought up here) and this is now very much my 'home'. I moved around a lot in my 20's and 30's and didn't really feel like I 'belonged' anywhere until eventually settling in the NE.

I moved to North Wales when i was 15 and although I eventually settled and felt like I belonged my mum never did, her accent was a big problem to her as we sounded posh to others (from Sussex)

now when I go down to Sussex to visit family and friends I’m the one with the accent to them (weird hybrid of Welsh and Sussex and I feel like the outsider there.

i feel more Welsh than English these days but my mum still felt like an outside until the day she died.

Same here. The only really friendly people in this area are the Londoners who have been displaced from their roots. What most everyone doesn't realise though is that our family a few generations back built the town.

It's difficult to move somewhere new that's small and fit in, I imagine. I live in the same small town I grew up in, went to primary school here and secondary school. Everyone knows everyone. The people I am friends with are the people I've known all my life and am comfortable with. We have a long, deep shared history - almost like family. Their parents knew my parents, and grandparents - and I knew theirs.

I can't imagine having the same depth of relationship with someone I'd known a few years, as an adult. I'm friendly to other people, but it's much more casual than the friendship I have with my closest friends who I've known since we were 4. There's so much we've been through together and so many memories we can laugh about.

It's Yorkshire not you
I was SO unhappy when I lived there and I am from the North anyway

The people were so unashamedly unfriendly

Some other blow ins I knew had dog shit shoved their letter box because they weren't local
I would move if I were you

Yorkshire is a big county you’re tarring with a shit brush!!!

This is one of the reasons I could never imagine myself leaving London.

Theres lots to love about the life away from the rat race, calmer pace etc but I would loathe the idea that I would have to lived somewhere five years before anyone will talk to me and 20 before I could get invited to something social because I didn’t go to primary school with everyone in the village.

I lived up north for a while & I was always an outsider. Its bollocks that the north is friendlier than the south, though part of it is probably just small town mentality. The south is more diverse & more mobile on the whole.

I'm sorry you've had this experience. It's really not acceptable to bully someone in this manner.

I moved into a small village, much the same as you describe with generations of families. The bullying in the local pub was unbelievable, they'd make all sorts of comments. I felt really sorry for a couple (white woman & black man) who were from America. As soon as they walked in, the pub would go silent. They were the most lovely couple I have met. They decided to move on after 6 months. I will be moving soon too.

I think it's really sad that people can treat others this way. I will be moving back to the city. I had neighbours of many different cultures, and I miss it so much. Maybe you should consider doing the same.

I live in Yorkshire. If I were you, I'd maybe move to a bigger town or edge of a city (closer to nature but in the suburbs), so many southerners buying up here. I've never known anyone to care or think twice about it and I'm shocked to hear about bullying because of it. You'd fit right in where I live, in fact I'm married to a southerner and he's never had any issues.

Also definitely speak to someone at work about it, bullying is not on!

What's wrong with being an outsider though?

I moved to a very rural community for ten years and was obviously an outsider, partly because of my accent, also because the majority of people had family there going back generations. Everyone was still friendly and I made lots of good friends. You just have to accept your outsider status, because it's a fact.

A couple of years ago I moved to a small town in Yorkshire, again I'm an outsider but it's not a problem. People are curious about why I've moved here, some like to tell me about the history of the place, lots of moaning about tourists and incomers increasing property values. I just don't take it personally. They've got a point, it doesn't stop me getting involved in local stuff and developing good relationships.

Just relax, don't be touchy, and accept the fact that when we move somewhere new we really are outsiders.

Strange how you view things. I moved all of 5 miles but from North of the river avon to the south. 30 years ago. To a town with a lot of people who moved in during the 70s, 80s and naughties and teens as it grew in different phases, aand as companies moved to the area from all over the country.
The local working class people accepted me almost immediately. Apart from the local rivalry between North and South of the river.

But the people who had moved in only 10 or 20 years before me had their own established groups, clubs and the twee country pub and were very very unfriendly.

However, as I was/am involved with local organisations, have business interests in the town and have a local accent, the latest tranche of incommers have no problem accepting me. I also told a number of the rude people exactly what I thought of them and pointed out when they made snide comments that my family had lived within 20 miles of the town for over 300 years, which didn't go down well but with others feeling the same meant there was a shift in the dynamic of the hobby group. As of the twee pub, it still is, I stopped drinking there and have a much nicer, modern pub where everyone really does know out names.

Same. Diversity in London means you meet people from all walks of life and all nationalities, so you learn talk to anyone, and don’t need to rely on people you went to school with for your friendship group.

To be fair it's not just a northern thing or a rural thing either. It's a big city vs small town thing. I grew up in a fairly large, affluent southern town with a big university and lots of immigrants and incomers: as far as you can imagine from being a rural backwater. And even there most of my friends who have stayed there still hang out with their friendship group from secondary school.

I have no problem whatsoever with people keeping up old friendships: I think it's lovely.

But the idea that you can't really trust or relate to anyone unless you've known them since they were a kid is so limiting.

People moan on about how Londoners are rude and wouldn't check on their neighbours etc but I've never found that to be the case. People are friendly and involved when they need to be but they don't stick their noses into one another's private lives, don't overinvest and don't judge each other based on things that happened when they were 17.

There's an awful lot of space between "living in London" and "living in a rural village in N Yorkshire". I moved from a town in the SE to a similar sized town in Yorkshire, and it's much friendlier up here. OK, the odd die-hard local has commented "she's not a local woman" (and I mean about 3 in 30+ years) but there's a big mix of people here, and probably less than half are local. Within a few months of moving in, I was having someone say "hello" pretty well every time I went into the town centre.

I wouldn't go and live in a small rural village (anything too small to have at least a shop), because they are dominated by the farming families who have lived there for generations. and everyone knows everything about you.

i'd love to know the more cosmopolitan area you've ended up in!! currently looking at a move north east!

@Pineconepicture I'll PM you