How to handle 12 year old constant back chat and

[Nomorethistime]

Talking down to me all the time

much unfortunately I have realised is a massive trigger for me due to people who have been abusive. It seems to trigger me but I can’t keep on arguing and begging to be spoken to nicely!
do I ignore it?
when I say something it just keeps escalating to an argument which I don’t want
sometimes it just triggers me and I shout back which is ridiculous shouting back at someone for them shouting at you. It just makes me feel so shit

Have you tried very calmly saying 'I don't like the way you're speaking to me / I don't like the tone of voice you're using. Please could you try again'.

I eventually decided to put it down to hormones and not make a big deal out of it, and it really helped. It used to end up with ridiculous escalations and me getting really upset. I’ve still got a teen that snaps a little but much less frequently and I just say don’t talk to me like that, I don’t like it, and let it go.

I feel like I have hit it seems I don’t get listened to unless I shout or cry, both of which make her then feel bad which I don’t want I do know it’s this age. I will try and ask that she rephrase nicely though that’s a good idea as it will give a bit of time to give her a chance to do so

Yes I have been thinking of this
or a natural consequence of just me not doing what she wants

Exactly . I'd just very calmly say to him. I'm never going to respond to you when you speak like that to me.

Tell her that your NY's resolution is that you won't be responding to rudeness any more, so if she wants an answer/anything from you, she will need to use a civil tone. Then stick to it like glue. No need for punishment or upping the ante by getting upset and angry. She either gets the message and sorts herself out, or she gets...nothing.

This is a great response.

I hear you.
'When you change your tone come speak to me'
Then I walk away.

I must admit I lost it today and started answering back in the same tone my 12 yr old has been using with me - sneering, put down, nasty tone. Dc actually stepped back and looked at me in shock. Then I pretty much shouted that that's how you keep speaking to me and your siblings and walked away.
They did come find me and said sorry and have actually tried to modulate their tone. Doesn't help they have adhd and everything is negative that comes out of their mouth 99% of the time

This. Stay calm but make sure there are consequences- nasty tone? No lift or whatever. You basically train them to speak more nicely.

It does get better if you’re consistent. Give yourself a little cheer every time you stay calm.

“Sorry, didn’t realise you were speaking to me!
if you’d like a considered answer, try speaking to me nicely!”
then walk away, every time

I think it very much depends on what the arguments are about. Context is needed. I would suggest looking up de-escalation techniques and also remember that you need to model the behaviour you want them to learn. What are you actually arguing about?

I think a lot of parents feel they must always get the last word (this is literally the objection to "answering back") and end up escalating and having pointless back and forths and really acting exactly the child, with no more wisdom or maturity than the child has. You shouldn't tolerate abusive language, but you really don't always have to have the last word just because you're the grown up; in fact, that should be why you're above it. If the last thing they say is "Fine!" or "All right but I hate it!", you can honestly let that go.

Also, I'm sorry for your history of abuse, but that isn't your child's fault or problem. You'll need to find a way of coping with that that doesn't require them to somehow manage you. I'm not saying you're doing that, but it's a very common thing to happen, so look out for it.

I just told mine straight, don't you ever dare speak to me like that again.
They understood the assignment and kept their mouths well and truly closed.

Remember the phrase talk to the hand cos the face aint listening?????? Others have phrased it more respectfully than me but in my head this is what I always wanted to say!

I would wait till you are in neutral place doing something like supermarket shopping etc so not face to face in a seated position.

Say in a calm casual way along the lines of ' Ive been thinking we should both improve our way of communicating together. It makes me feel really upset the way you talk to me sometimes. I know ive shouted at you as well and I promise im going to try really hard not to do that again. Can we try doing this ? I know I feel much happier when we don't get into arguments and stay calm around each other'.

Yes that’s exactly why I’m asking for help because I know that’s not on her and I probably make it more personal than it is because of my own experiences. And I don’t to then cause her trauma in turn

It's much better to walk away than shout at your dc.

What exactly are the arguments about? What context are they happening in?