I apologise in advance as this is going to be long. Background - DP and I have been together just over 5 years. We moved in together 3 years ago, and our DS was born last summer (fourth grandchild on my side of the family, first on his).
My relationship with my partners family has always been amicable, but never super close. There have always been noticeable differences in the way our families work (boundaries/views on the world/parenting styles/reading the room/sense of humour - the list goes on).
Throughout our relationship (in particular since living together), I have struggled with the lack of boundaries with my partners family. They are used to dropping by our house unannounced, something I’ve had to get used to but always found annoying. His family (MIL,FIL,BIL) live 5 mins away so this happens a lot. Whether the baby is napping, we’re sat at the table eating dinner, doing housework, getting ready to leave the house, if they turn up on the doorstep they expect to be accommodated, just walking in without any self awareness to check if it’s a good time, even if it’s clearly not. I have previously asked my partner to communicate this to them to which he said ‘they would probably just say we’ll stop coming over all together then’ if they were asked to check before dropping by. I feel they are manipulative and my DP falls victim to their ways, agreeing to keep the peace.
When I fell pregnant MIL became even more overbearing, buying hoards of baby things (including special items I’d rather have bought myself) all under the guise of being ‘helpful and generous’ so I felt I couldn’t complain. As her behaviour ramped up I started to feel anxious about the whole visiting thing, I really didn’t want unannounced guests when the baby arrived, particularly not in those first few days/weeks after birth. I feel this is an unwritten rule and all of my family and friends understood this without us even having to mention it, and expressed their excitement at meeting the new baby whilst giving us space and waiting for their invitation.
My partner eventually let his family know that once the baby was born I/we would need 24 hours for some rest and getting to grips with having a newborn before we had any visitors. And also that any visits would need to be arranged as we would be working around baby nap/breastfeeding schedules. He was scared to have this conversation with them and he has since admitted he told them they were my wishes, not ours (likely to try and soften the blow). This didn’t go down well at all, we had constant texts whilst in hospital and their manipulation worked and both MIL and FIL visited within the hour when we got home with the baby. The visit was short and awkward and I was in absolute agony after an emergency c-section. Not once did they congratulate me/us, ask how I was doing or offer help, just expected to hold the new baby and take pictures. They left and gave us the silent treatment for 3 days following, ignored invitations to visit and bizarrely took a day trip 120 miles away.
This created a huge cloud of anxiety/worry for us both, on top of the sleep deprivation (and hormones on my part). We spent the first few days of our sons life wondering what the hell we had done to upset my partners family, we second guessed ourselves and thought ‘maybe they’re just giving us the space we asked for?’ Until eventually my partner confronted them and was met with a long list of things we had done wrong, ways we’d upset/hurt them, and how their expectations as grandparents weren’t being met. The list was full of petty things such as how long it took my partner to text them when DS was born and let them know the gender (2 hours after the birth we notified all family) and repetitively saying ‘it just really hurts how we’ve been treated’.
It’s probably the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life and the constant attacks whilst already feeling so vulnerable, hormonal, sleep deprived and physically in pain made me close to giving up. This ridiculousness went back and forth for days until my own (usually shy and retiring) mother had to get involved out of concern for my wellbeing and tell them point blank ‘this is supposed to be a special time, it isn’t about you - back off.’ I seriously mourned the ‘newborn bubble’ people speak of, it was probably the worst time of my life.
Fast forward 4 months and whilst the dust has somewhat settled it’s created a wedge between all families involved and just generally feels awkward. I’ve never had intentions of limiting their access to their grandson, although I know that’s what they think I’m doing by trying to create some healthy boundaries. The time has now come to start relying on babysitters occasionally and I just feel uncomfortable at the idea of his MIL & FIL looking after DS when they have been so disrespectful and dismissive towards me as his mum (and DP, although I feel he is more used to their behaviour).
My mum has babysat a handful of times and always happily accepts direction/our wishes when it comes to looking after DS and treats us as the experts of our baby whilst offering helpful advice if asked.
My partners family on the other hand have shown no interest in learning our ways/routines/respecting us as parents in general. The other day my FIL forced a crabstick into DS’s mouth whilst holding him and laughing (he’s still exclusively breastfed and not yet 5 months old). I asked him not to do that, explaining he could be allergic to shellfish (the only thing I could think of on the spot - a firm ‘no’ doesn’t seem to be enough with them) to which he replied - ‘there’s no real shellfish in these anyway they are just full of crap’ (even more reason not to feed it to a baby?) basically everything becomes a battle or argument of why their way is right and why we are wrong. They don’t care about interrupting DS naps when they come round/if he’s napping at their house. They just say things like ‘you can’t tiptoe around’ which we don’t, but if it’s taken a lot to get him down for his nap why take the risk. They have questioned me about breastfeeding and no doubt think I’m selfish for doing so, and made me feel generally uncomfortable about it on numerous occasions, suggesting we switch to formula to help him sleep through the night and encouraging introducing solids earlier than we want to.
Basically they have picked on us as parents from day 1, they think they know best when really their parenting style is seriously outdated (and sometimes unsafe). Instead of uplifting us and supporting us through this important time they just constantly undermine and disrespect us. All the while we are still being bought hoards of unnecessary gifts, when we have asked MIL not to. They are unable to have reasonable discussions, every small thing turns into raised voices and swearing.
I know the answer - but for my sanity AIBU to say no to them babysitting? I know it will disappoint DP and will probably cause WW3, but I feel I need to go with my gut. If it was up to me I would go full no contact as that’s how uncomfortable they make me feel, their energy is toxic and draining, but I have DP feelings to consider too.