To think dh could do better

[TeaToastIsAll]

I'll try to keep this short. My dad died two months ago. We were extremely close, and I felt like part of my heart had been ripped out, it was a complicated and traumatic death.
At first dh was open to listening and tried to comfort me, and I did talk ALOT. On acouple of occasions he made comparisons with a grandparent that passed away 16 years ago. They were close too and dh's only relative, as he is estranged from his parents. It seemed like he was making it about him when I wasn't ready to comfort him for something I already comforted him about years ago, if that makes sense. I needed him not to mention it as my mind couldn't take it all in. Maybe he was just trying to make me feel better in his own way, but right or wrong of me I found it unhelpful at that particular time.

Now it has been two months he seems irritated when ever I mention my dad. It feels like I should be happy and like it is business as usual, and that I should no longer be feeling sad. He will ask me what is wrong at times when i seem down as though he is honestly clueless, when IMO it is obvious.
DH has been incredibly moody around me and the dcs, so we have been bickering alot. I know he is stressed about his job because he doesn't like some of the people he works with. I have tried as best as I can to help him, talked at length etc but what ever I say is wrong. He feels I'm not supporting him, when imo i couldnt do/say anymore, when i mention times we have spoken at length he will say that he had forgotten. Since my Dad has died I don't have the headspace for it all atm if I am honest, and haven't been supporting him.
I have been buying myself some little keepsakes to attempt to provide comfort. I told dh when I have been in floods of tears and really struggling it would have been nice if he had have got me something small/cheap to try to cheer me up. Right or wrong small things like this I do appreciate. He didn't react well to this whatsoever and told me I was being materialistic, and all of the hours he spend taking to me about it meant nothing, other men wouldn't do that etc. I have thanked him for the talking/listening, but now it is two months this has stopped, and so as I know he is understandably sick of it, and sick of me. I sense him rolling his eyes of I start to talk about my dad now.
He has been off work for two weeks yet still he acts like he is really hard done to. Apparently he has to fly around the supermarket while entertainingly children so how could he pick anything up, he takes one of them with him, he is 4 and not a pick of bother. The 6 year old stays with me. I have cooked, baked & cleaned through all of it pretty much, apart from when i had strep and a fever. He is making me feel like I am just being a useless wife.

I don't know what to do, and feel so low, that when we bicker I cannot take it. I cannot deal with his moods. He tells me i stop him going cycling, to the gym etc but there have been plenty of opportunities. Take this morning, he has sat playing on video games for over an hour, I told him I was going to to upstairs to dye my hair (I have neglected myself since my Dad died and wanted to do it to try give myself some self care). He muttered something under is breath, when asked about it kist said nothing, didn't say anything etc. I finally got it out of him that he wanted to go cycling. I told him as soon as I say I want to do something suddenly he does too. I told him just to go, and I will wait. He is now refusing to go. Honestly I just cannot be bothered with the whole situation.

It is probably all my fault, I am sorry my post isn't short at all.

I'm sorry for your loss. It will be a difficult time for your whole family.

Can I ask, did you tell him that him speaking about his Grandfather's death was not helpful? Because if I had been offering support and comfort to my partner but was told I was doing it wrong I think I would be very resentful.

The problem with grief, is that it is different for everyone - it sounds like he was trying hard to help at the start, but less so now. But if you've been suggesting that his help is wrong, why should he continue?

Does sound frustrating that he waits for you to do something before announcing that he wanted to go out - but can only suggest that communicating on this could help. Understanding what each of you need each day in advance and making sure you both have the opportunity to look after your individual needs.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

Here’s my take on the situation: You need someone to talk to about your feelings, but your DH isn’t the right person. He isn’t able to provide the empathy that you need right now. It doesn’t mean that he’s a horrible person or that he doesn’t love you, he sounds like he’s a rational type who doesn’t quite understand that sometimes ppl need to talk and be supported, they’re not always looking for practical solutions, iyswim.

I experienced similar with my DH when my Mum died. He tried to listen, but he had no idea what to say/how to comfort me. I turned to friend from uni instead (who’d known my Mum) and she was a far better person to talk to.

As I said, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, he’s just not good at this and you have to forgive him for lacking in this area-we’re all bad at some things. Talk to a close friend or relative instead. 💐

Firstly I'm sorry about your dad.

When someone is grieving hard with no end in sight for the person supporting them it does take its toll. It's naturally all consuming for you and you're floundering around for something to cling on too while you go through the storm. For the supporter they just want to make it better, they'll try and draw on their own experiences to show they understand. They listen for hours and so on. But eventually it depletes the reserves and they find nothing is 'working' and no longer know what to say or do to remove this black cloud from the house. Then relationships suffer.

I don't know what will help though. Grief takes as long as it takes. Maybe bereavement counselling so there's someone else to listen to your feelings

It's so hard losing a parent and I'm so sorry for you.
My husband was similar when I lost my father. He listened to me talking but I don't feel like he was supportive at all.
Have you made time just the two of you to have a sit down and tell him how you feel and what you would like him to do to support you? Could you write it in a letter if not?
Maybe he genuinely doesn't know what to do to help. Or maybe he is the kind of person to just get on with stuff (like my husband) and doesn't really see the need for ongoing help or support?

Part of this sounds like a typical two weeks of stressful Christmas time with one person off work who isn't usually and everyone out of their usual routine causing friction.

Sadly you also have the added ingredient of bereavement. Plus dh's work problems.

All mixed up together in a house with kids and rain and goodness knows what else.

Hopefully things will get back to normal once routines click back in.

But you both seem to need an agreement about what is ok with regard to your need for support in your grief. IMO it is easy to see both sides; your dh feels he has done a lot with his listening and supporting and let's be honest, this is tough for people when it goes on a long time. You are now telling him he hasn't shown his support in a different way ie buying stuff so it is easy to see how he can feel unappreciated.

Do you have other friends/family you can offload to? Would you consider a bereavement group or something similar? I think it's hard to offload all your feelings onto one person.

If your dh is stressed about his work then this is another can of worms and surely he either needs to sort it out or deal with it because this is yet another cause of upset within your relationship.

@gamerchick Yes, it sounds as if her DH is trying to find a “solution” to the OP’s grief and there isn’t one, only time can heal. My DH was similar. As I said, I found talking to a close friend was better.

I'm so sorry OP.

Grieving is so so hard, and everyone is different. Both DH and I lost our dads in the last 5 years. We both tried to support the other, but I think both of us felt that the other wasn't always giving us what we needed. We both needed different types of support that the other struggled with.

If DH is NC with his own parents this probably brought up some things for him that he found hard to process too.

It's not always possible with a bereavement to be what someone else needs.

I'd recommend finding yourself a bereavement counsellor to help you to continue to process it.

I know that I have really really struggled to be there for a close relative during a bereavement we both suffered, as we both deal with things so differently and I couldn't bear to keep talking about it. They wanted to talk about it constantly and I just couldn't. It was a combination of compassion fatigue and trying to deal with my own grief at the same time.

Not everyone is good at this kind of thing.

Thank you for your comments, they make a lot of sense. I do think I am resentful at DH, because I have never felt like he has been supportive eg through child birth etc. He listens really well which I really appreciate, but isnt there with the talking side of things, and seems to bring everything back to himself. I must admit I did express to him that he kept mentioning his grandad which wasn't helpful, as the death/situations were completely different. For example I was talking about being upset about hearing the death rattle for 9 hours straight. Dh said he understood because he saw his grandad look unwell a couple of days before his death. His grandad was talking at that time and it seemed a completely different scenario. I really needed him to say it is unimaginable & provide support, not try to compare when he hadn't actually been through that. He is like that alot, what ever happens to you, it has happened to him etc.
I feel I supported him so much and for years with everything he has gone through with his parents, losing his grandparent etc, and that I was expecting that same level of support back. He has always seemed to be alittle selfish when it comes to his emotional needs and mine, even his grandparent noticed this when he was alive, and told dh to basically acknowledge my feelings too as he was so stuck on his own.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I lost my Dad 2 years ago and I was extremely close to him, especially as I had also lost my mum when I was in my teens.

The best advice I can offer you is to accept that it will never stop hurting, you will never stop missing him and you will never stop feeling sad that he is gone. Accept that Xmas will be particularly painful, as will other milestones in your life.

You cannot change this. Counselling might help and it's definitely worth giving it a try.

As for your DH, will it really be helpful if he bought you things? I doubt it will make you less sad and it certainly won't change the fact that your Dad is gone.

So what else could he do to help? My DH was great by just being there and also talking about my Dad with me and sharing memories. But no one can change what happened and only you can come out of this acute period of grief.

Don't play grief top trumps with him either. If some dared tell me that my dad's death was less upsetting than their dad or grandad or whoever, I'd put them firmly in their place. You don't get to say how another person experiences pain.

You say you have children, so you need to accept this and move on because otherwise it will debilitate you. Your kids don't deserve to lose you too. I hope counselling helps. All the best.

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

it sounds like you both deal with things differently, neither are wrong, it’s just your own ways.

You are seeking something from your DH which he’s not providing because it’s not something he sought.

It does sound like he’s trying to be empathetic in that he’s comparing his loss to yours to show you that he knows how you feel, but you throw it back at him, which causes resentment. It’s his way of showing empathy.

Well I think yanbu. It's been 2 months, ONLY 2 months. Its pathetic that he can't even support you without being competitive about it. If you can't speak to him, then who can you speak to. Quite frankly him bringing up his grandad's death from 16y ago isn't comparable. If he expected you to move on now after 2 months, then he shouldn't even bring his loss up because it's 16 years. I think he's being absolutely horrible about this. Whining like a spoilt child that he cant go running.
My dad passed away 20 years ago very tragically and traumatically, well before I met dh. Every year around this time it's very hard for me, and every year my dh will buy a little cake and we place it next to my dads photo with a candle because that's what my dad liked. Every single year my dh does this without fail, allows me just to be however I feel like being, and just makes me feel so comforted about it without any pressure. I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like he's tried to help you any way he knows how and you've shut him down minimising his loss, which is really hurtful. That was like a Dad to him so he will have felt the loss as big as yours. And he's trying to help you through it, making a comparison rightly or wrongly. He's not the right person to support you as you obviously both grieve differently. He's also just lost a father in law.

Your husband has tried to help you. He's failed because it's not something he's good at.

I'd suggest ou start grief counselling with someone who IS good at listening. Someone who is trained to help you

It's not competition, it's trying to relate. It's his way of showing OP he can empathise with how she's feeling.

With all due respect, who are you to say it's not comparable? Your dad passed 20 years ago, which arguably is not comparable to someone passing 2 months ago, yet you have brought it up as a way to empathise with op. As is a natural thing to do for many. Its a little ironic that you shot down her husband for doing the exact same thing.

I'm glad your husband found a way to comfort you through your grief. I don't think that means OPs husband is in the wrong just because only 2 months down the line he hasnt managed to succeed in this (especially when OP herself can not find comfort in anything and has no idea what will make her feel better).

Sorry for your loss but after that second post, YABU.

He's offering support, just not in the specific way you want it and you've turned it round to being a failure in his personality when it isn't.

As per a PP, perhaps seek more professional help that can judge and address your perfectly valid needs better.