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AIBU?

When you finally see things for what they are

8 replies

Ireallywantacat · 02/01/2024 14:24

It took me a while to realise my ex just wasn't ready for/didn't want commitment with me. The reasons are now irrelevant.
I'm sure he did love and care for me but maybe just not as much as I did for him. I know there are people who from the start say, I never want children, or, I don't believe in marriage/don't want to remarry etc. and that is absolutely fine too because you know where you stand from the beginning.
My ex works a minimum wage job, but will not consider a career in anything but music. His dream is to become an artist and I completely respect that and hope he achieves what he wants.
Realistically, I know it's not very easy to make a full time living as a successful artist unless you happen to be Picasso or equivalent, a lot of it is just pure luck and networking.
He lacks confidence regarding his work issues, because he has mainly worked in an industry which provides 0 hours work.
He doesn't earn tons but he has managed very well with savings and debt.
That said, I tried so hard to get him into something more stable. Sent him endless links, recruitment agencies, civil service, school support staff, factory work, anything.
They may not be art. But they will provide him with guaranteed hours, and stability, and he could do his art alongside.
He didn't apply/didn't seem interested, and I've realised now that's because he didn't want to.
I was naïve to think that 'If only he got a promotion, then he'd marry me and have kids.'

I even asked him hypothetically that would happen, because that's what he was insinuating. He couldn't give me an answer, and that's because he didn't want to.

We still speak sometimes and he's still hoping to do art. I realise moving on was the best thing I could have done, as much as it hurt to realise that he just did not want to commit to me or have children, despite years of living together. The guilt I felt every day is finally leaving and I'm starting to see the situation for what it was.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

11 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
27%
You are NOT being unreasonable
73%
Ireallywantacat · 02/01/2024 14:25

Sorry it was more of a vent I suppose..

OP posts:
Ireallywantacat · 02/01/2024 15:34

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 02/01/2024 15:36

You did the right thing.

Ireallywantacat · 02/01/2024 15:40

Thank you, I hope so

OP posts:
Tartantatooes · 02/01/2024 15:43

He wanted you to be the breadwinner while he did his art .

Ireallywantacat · 02/01/2024 16:26

He kept saying he doesn't earn enough, but turned down many jobs that would enable him more stability and put him in the right 'position' to marry me.. I finally realised he just didn't want to

OP posts:
MILTOBE · 02/01/2024 16:29

I think what he wanted was for someone (ie you) to financially support him while he did whatever he wanted.

My friend's husband was a photographer and she funded him throughout their marriage. It was really hard to see her doing a job she no longer liked while simultaneously doing all the housework and childcare, so that he could do a fulfilling job.

movintothecountry · 02/01/2024 16:49

If he wanted to - he would.

Words to live by...

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