Abusive ex and contact with son

[fortyg]

Hello,

There's a huge back story here which I won't go into but looking for advice -

Exh has only seen ds (5) twice since October. I called the police because he told me he was going to go kill himself and I would be to blame. I have not seen him since this incident .

Since then, ex has threatened to take me to court over some money he thinks I owe him (I don't), called me nasty names, told me people hate me amongst other things. He was also verbally abusive to me during a FaceTime. I have 2 emails from him stating that he 'won't bother with ds anymore' claiming that I'm making things difficult.

Social services have been good and we are getting 'early help' soon. In the meantime, they've advised we use a 3rd party in terms of handovers for ds. It's only happened twice and both times we have used my mum.

The first handover seemed to go ok. He hadn't seen ds for 6 weeks at the point. No major issues.

The second time was awful. I dropped ds off at my mums in plenty of time for ex to come and collect him. I then left and got a email from him saying he had left his car at the pub and he had no transport to collect ds. He asked if I would drop him off. I said no. He then asked if my mum would do it and she did. My mum dropped ds off and said he was very hungover. During this visit, he also introduced ds to his new girlfriend of 4 weeks. He then dropped ds off with my mum early as ds has some sensory issues - he basically needed a pop and ds refused to go for exh so exh needed to bring him home early - that part is fine and understandable.

Safe to say I was absolutely livid about the hangover and the introduction to the new girlfriend though.

I emailed him to say I was made aware of the introduction to his new girlfriend - very simple, not aggressive - just one sentence saying I knew and have not spoken to ex since expect for 'yes' or 'no' answers. I was going grey rock with him anyway but even more so now.

He FaceTime ds twice on Xmas eve and Xmas day however both times I left the room and have ds my phone to speak to him. My sister was in the room on the Xmas day FaceTime and she said it did not go well, ds wasn't that interested in speaking to him.

So now this Saturday coming is the next time he should see ds for the day. I am not pushing for contact in the slightest. He's put us through hell and life would be better without him.

My gut feeling tells me that ex isn't going to bother and I won't hear anything from him.

My question is do I email ex and remind him that it is his Saturday or do I just wait and see if he contacts me?

I doubt this would ever go to court (he has another son that he doesn't see anymore) but if it did then I don't want it to look like I'm stopping contact as I know that wouldn't work in my favour.

Thoughts please?

Hes also paid no maintenance since the start of December - cms are chasing him about this too.

I'd leave it and let him contact you, as you say yous would be better off without him. The onus is on him anyway, he shouldn't have to reminded about contact with his son. He sounds like a wanker and you sound like a great mum 🥰

You need to separate your feeling with him, that the focus of the relationship between you both is for the benefit of you ds, grey rock is fine just don’t indulge is any other small talk.

The onus is on him to have a relationship with his son, when his son is with him he can choose to introduce him to anyone he likes and unfortunately you don’t get to dictate that.

Yes thank you. I've got it in a text that he wants ds every other weekend. We never actually got as far as how it was going to work but the last 2 Saturdays have been 9.30 - 4.30 so I'm sure he knows.

I just don't want it rubbed in my face that I've stopped contact as I haven't. It is limited but it's for exh to prove that he can be a responsible father first if he wants to see ds more...but that doesn't seem to be happening

I understand that. The issue was that he got ds to lie to me about it. Hes 5 years old. Social services are very concerned about the potential of emotional abusive he may put on ds so it won't go down well with them the next time I speak to them.

I understand I can't stop it but considering he had only seen ds once in 8 weeks prior to that visit, it doesn't look like he's putting the needs of ds first at all. Only himself

Personally I'd message saying you will have dodgy signal/be unavailable after ..... time and therefore you will need fir him to confirm his arrangements for .... weekend by that time.

Do not reply to anything after that time.

Saves him controlling you by leaving it right to the last minute to arrange. Also that you aren't at his beck and call.

Speaking as someone who had to deal with an abusive ex and a family court that found him charming

I'd also put a stop to loose arrangements tbh.

In these type of adversarial situations you cannot co parent effectively. As long as there isn’t abuse you might have to just accept he is going to do things his way. That doesn’t make it right but you are better off accepting it and not try to control for the outcome you’d prefer and accept that isn’t going to happen with your ex. I’m sorry for you and your son, he sounds like an absolute dick but if don’t let his behaviour get to you anymore he has lost complete control over you which is a positive outcome. Just allow yourself to be neutral about whatever he does.

My question is do I email ex and remind him that it is his Saturday

No.

Agree

He's put us through hell and life would be better without him.

There you go, then.

Is it better for DS to have no father in his life, or a shit, abusive one? I'd argue for no father.

I remember your previous posts, one thing I'm not clear on - who are you worried about it "looking bad" to, if you don't try hard for him to have contact? You mention court but then also mention it being rubbed in your face which more sounds like a fear of him/his family?

I will never show him any emotion or anything again. I haven't had a proper conversation with him since November. He absolutely hates it.

Social services can see he is more interested in hurting me than he is ds. He's just using ds to get at me.

I'll allow contact - every other Saturday but no more than that right now.

I won't ever force him to see ds.

I think if he misses this weekend then that just says it all in my eyes. I'll stop contact full time after that. Ds isn't just an object that he can pick up and put down depending on what mood he is in.

My priority is my son. Ex just hates it that I refuse to see him. That's all this is - he has lost control over me.

@RookieBamboo his family won't try see ds. Unless you put the effort in, they won't bother with you. The don't actually really 'love' anyone but themselves.

I just mean if it goes to court, if I haven't sent an email saying 'Saturday is your day to have ds' then ex might use that to say 'well I didn't hear anything so I assumed I wasn't allowed him' sort of thing.

That's what he would do. He won't ever try make anything easy. He will do everything he can to make himself look like a victim.

That's because that's what he'd say to you. He'd miss the time but then need to make it your fault so the reason would be you didn't remind him.

That's not how any objective person is going to see it. One could ask - why isn't he emailing you, to remind you it's his day to have DS on Saturday? Why wouldn't you expect that of him? (Obviously he's a twat so we know why he'd never do that.)

You've got the timing agreed, in writing, so if he doesn't show up, that's on him. Document it, screenshot it. I would stay quiet now about contact unless he's proactive and asking.

Are you getting any support with this? Women's Aid or similar?

You make him available Saturday, so take him to your mums for when dad should be collecting. Courts are all about the RP making the child available to the NRP regardless of whether the NRP bothers to turn up or not. You've then done your bit and can confirm you did all you can from your side.

So you are you saying I should drop ds off and see if he turns up?

Or do I email exh saying ds will be available at my mums first?

Obviously I don't ever tell ds he is going to see his dad - try to protect him as much as possible

Don't tell DS just incase, don't email the ex. You have in text that you agreed the date previously so as long as you make the child available, that's all you have to do. If he doesn't turn up that's on him.

Take DS to your mum's and do NOT contact ex.

Stop thinking you have to sort both sides of this. You don't.

If ex says 'Oh, she never texted so I assumed I couldn't see my son' SS and any court will see right through him. Especially as you response is "I took him to my mum's as agreed. He was there, ready and waiting".

You are still trying to appease him by doing everything for him. You don't have to do that now. You do your part and leave his behaviour to him.

You also need to tell your mum not to be such a doormat.

So if she cannot babysit and ex doesn't turn up to hers within 30 minutes of the agreed time, she needs to call you to pick up your son.

If he does call but comes up with some BS story why she has to take the boy to him, she needs to say unfortunately she can't do that and she will give him 30 minutes to turn up otherwise she is going out and handing your DS back to you.

As your mum is a third party she is only obliged to hand your son over as previously agreed to his father. She is not expected to go out of her way in doing so.

Oh and the Courts and SS don't care.

They expect him to turn up as agreed and you to make the your DS available.

If you use a third party to facilitate it fine, but neither of you are to take the piss out of the third party with your behaviour.

I think part of the issue OP has is that contact hasn't really been agreed to the letter of how it's going to happen, if I understand correctly?
It's only happened twice and both times we have used my mum.
We never actually got as far as how it was going to work but the last 2 Saturdays have been 9.30 - 4.30 so I'm sure he knows.

So ex may or may not be expecting OP to make DS available at her mum's.

But - as per PP advice - he should be getting in touch take arrangements, OP isn't his PA.

I would either do as others say and take him to your mum’s but do nothing else to prompt contact. Or I would say that he needs to let you/your mum know by the Wednesday before that contact is going ahead by sending a message to confirm, otherwise you’ll assume it isn’t. That way you don’t have to waste time taking him to your mum’s if he isn’t going to show. My DSS’ mum is always trying to blame me and my husband for her lack of contact with him, but it is blatantly clear it’s her who doesn’t bother 90% of the time and we always make him available. Initially they wanted us to initiate telephone contact but where DSS would then be aware it was due to go ahead and would be distressed when it didn’t, or that he felt he had to, we said no and she either calls or doesn’t, we just make sure he’s available.

So what he wanted was an over night stay originally.

The first time he saw ds, ds also needed a poo and was desperate when he got back. It was after this that I emailed ex to say an over nigh data wasn't going to work for that reason - which is the as the following visit he had to come home early as he was desperate to go again.

But no actual contact has been arranged. I've been waiting for him to talk about it but he hasn't.

Deep down I don't think he wants to see ds so this is why I'm not pushing to organise something. His actions show ds clearly isn't important as his own life.

I get that you don’t want to push for it when he’s clearly not bothered, but it also leaves things in limbo and gives him more of a leg to stand on if he does take it to court. I doubt it as he would only breach. So either leave it as is and hedge your bets, or say, let’s agree to alternate Saturdays 9-4 and you confirm with my mum by the Wednesday prior that you will be attending, or we will assume you won’t. The sooner he doesn’t stick to something the sooner you’ve got the clarity that he won’t bother.

@Haveyouanyjam please explain why you think OP not being proactive, while ex is silent/does nothing at all to arrange contact, is going to help ex in the unlikely event he bothers to take OP to court to organise an agreed contact schedule?

It sounds like they've got a very loose arrangement but with neither party making any effort for ex to see his son I don't see how that is going to look anything other than bad for the ex if he suddenly insists he wants an agreed contact schedule.

This is exactly my worry. I don't want him to have any leg to stand on. Though he's that much in debt, I doubt he would take me to court. But equally he wants to punish me and make my life hell so who knows!

It's so hard to know what to do. My gut feeling says he's done with ds. My mum feels the same.

I also do have email proof on September/October when I was asking ex if he wanted ds. He respond was he has too much on at work and he will start having him when he is able.

He then saw him maybe twice a couple of weeks later for 3 hours each time but then I called the police and it all stopped again for a further 6 weeks.

I just want to protect ds. And myself! Ds only has me, I need to protect myself in this on order to be able to give ds the best I can.