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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at dp

25 replies

hatredbuiltup · 02/01/2024 12:14

No dc, live together but rocky relationship for 10 yrs or so.

Define rocky?
Me. - always wanting more from life, more from a friendship or a relationship, looking for something better to an extent. I have a secretive tendency as in I have social media and he doesn't know, all honest no raunchy pics no talking to random or flirting with people just to keep in partial contact with people from school or when I was younger.

Him - a battle with substances, never an addiction as far as I know it's been controlled and has been clean for many years now. Although he does take codeine a lot for his supposed toothache, I don't even question this. His having a pop at me for literally everything from looking at a man in a shop (I am allowed to notice people no) to not putting a cup in the sink ally putting his washing in the machine and him not being able to find it.

I am annoyed this morning as I needed to drop something off and he took me before he went work and dropped me back but the whole way decided to moan about my behaviour attitude and said I'm delusional.

Leaving is not an option as we have a good opportunity for living environment both have stable jobs and neither of us really have family.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 02/01/2024 12:20

Sorry, but if you choose to put a comfortable living environment over a peaceful, happy, fulfilling life that’s your decision and you can’t complain.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but what is there that
means you can’t move (possibly to somewhere more modest) within the area and keep the job?
Also, calling you delusional is gaslighting.

PussInBin20 · 02/01/2024 12:23

Well if you won’t leave then you’ll have to put up with it then? Not sure what your question is.

Sauvblanctime · 02/01/2024 12:25

Leaving IS an option

Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2024 12:27

Leaving is not an option as we have a good opportunity for living environment both have stable jobs and neither of us really have family

You have two options:

  1. Leave.
  2. Stay and suck it up.

You don’t want to leave therefore you’ll need to accept life with him for what it is. And what it is sounds pretty shit.

mottytotty · 02/01/2024 12:28

Leave him, life’s too short and he will get worse.

ManateeFair · 02/01/2024 12:30

If you insist that 'leaving is not an option' then I'm not really sure what advice you expect people to be able to give you. He's an abusive drug addict (nobody has a permanent toothache; he's got an opiate addiction) and he isn't going to change.

You have to make a choice between living without his abuse, but in a less comfortable living environment, or living with his abuse in your current home. It's up to you.

GalileoHumpkins · 02/01/2024 12:30

It sounds miserable, why on earth does having social media have to be a secret?
Is your living situation really that comfortable if you're living like this?

DeeCeeCherry · 02/01/2024 12:31

Leaving is not an option as we have a good opportunity for living environment both have stable jobs and neither of us really have family

Not even quite sure what this means. Maybe you expect someone here to give you a magical answer that will change his ways. Or maybe you're here to just vent. Can't tell really but you've made your priorities clear even though you don't sound as if they bring you a contented life so, best learn to live with your choices

ChihuahuasREvil · 02/01/2024 12:32

If you’d been looking for something better all these years you would have left this abusive controlling addict years ago. You certainly wouldn’t stay in a shitty toxic relationship because of the possibility of a comfortable living environment. FYI there’s no such thing as a comfortable living environment with a controlling abusive addict in it. FFS woman, stop kidding yourself. Crack on with this loser if you want, but at least be honest with yourself about it.

pikkumyy77 · 02/01/2024 12:34

You are flirting and sexting, I presume , because your home life is awful. You can leave. Better a list ten years than a lost 11.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 12:35

Leaving is always an option. You just don't want to because you either can't be bothered, or you are emotionally dependent on the dysfunction you live with.

NonPlayerCharacter · 02/01/2024 12:44

Leaving is not an option

Of course it is. It just has pros and cons, like the decision to stay. He might choose to leave and then you'd find how entirely possible it is.

After ten years, you know well what living with him is like. If that's worth the cons, that's your decision. He won't change, this is what it's like. You're not unreasonable to decide it's worth the aggro but you are unreasonable to tell yourself it's impossible to make a different choice. And without love to keep you together, I'd be prepared for the possibility that either one of you might take that choice.

There is almost always a choice. It being hard doesn't mean it isn't there.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/01/2024 12:45

Leaving is always an option OP.

sounds like you’re both miserable so you’re literally wasting your life right now!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2024 12:47

Two options. Leave. Don't leave.

If you want to put up with his behaviour in return for a nice living environment, that is entirely your choice. It's a bloody stupid one, but your choice nonetheless.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 12:48

You're willing to stay with an abusive man because you feel it's easier to stay with the devil you know rather than leave him and start over. You stay because you're scared of change.

Squirrelsbite · 02/01/2024 12:49

Leave
and he may be ‘clean’ from illegal substances but he’s taking codene which is addictive

Illpickthatup · 02/01/2024 12:50

People leave miserable relationships with much less than you probably have and 3 kids in tow. Leaving is always an option.

JurassicFantastic · 02/01/2024 13:32

we have a good opportunity for living environment

What part of your current arrangement is a good living environment?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/01/2024 13:37

You are there because you want to be there.
You are with him because you want to be with him.

Britpop123 · 02/01/2024 13:40

You have secret social media accounts and don’t tidy up after yourself. People have been advised to leave partners on here for this…

both seem to be waving flags here tbh

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2024 15:29

If you lived on your own you could leave as many dishes round the sink as you want without some twat of a man telling you what to do.

Coconutter24 · 02/01/2024 15:37

Leaving is an option your choosing not to for an ‘easy’ life. So I doubt you’ll get much sympathy when you could easily make changes to be happier

Britpop123 · 02/01/2024 15:45

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2024 15:29

If you lived on your own you could leave as many dishes round the sink as you want without some twat of a man telling you what to do.

Wow
so objecting to leaving pots out is being a twat? Love to see you say that one one of the threads where it’s the bloke leaving the mess…

Bananalanacake · 02/01/2024 16:03

I mean he's being a twat in general, as in having a pop at her when she looks at other people, people who live on their own can do whatever they want, it isn't being a twat to make your own mess. I've never understood why so many people are desperate to live together,

ThisBloodyWeather · 02/01/2024 16:08

You haven't got any children, but you're put up with this type of behaviour for years and want something better in life - yet leaving isn't an option because you've got a nice living environment (whatever that means)???

Either leave, or put up and shut up.

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