Issues with hubby re family

[Michelle0722]

Hi,

Apologies for the overly long message, but I need some clarification if I am being unreasonable as I have to get this off my chest - it is killing me. I am new to mumsnet so apologies if I have posted it to the wrong place.

I would appreciate it if someone has a similar story and can tell me how you got over it?

My husband and I have been together for just over two years and we got married two months ago. I love him dearly and he is the best person. The issue that I have is his family. From our early dating scene his family was not the nicest or the most welcoming people towards me and to be more specific his brother and his brother's wife. Before I started dating my husband the three of them used to hang out every weekend and they used to go every summer in their parents summer holiday house, fly together to the place, come back etc. Which in my opinion is a bit much but neverminded.

When I met his brother and his wife it was very miserable. His brother only asked me one question and his wife acted like I did not exist. I tried to get past this and I tried really hard to be the bigger person and invite them for lunch, coffee in our house or outside etc. They live 5min drive away from us. I have also tried to ask her if she would like to have a coffee in a café or go to the mall together and I have been declined on every occasion. Just for a reference I am 31F and she is the same age as me. On rare occasions, she would accept to come to our home with my husband's brother only (which is fine) and have dinner with us. But again, I will have to constantly listen to her talking about herself, or her family. Basically in the last two years, the amount of questions that I have been asked are probably five.. It has always been one way street conversation, her talking and myself or my husband asking questions. She is incapable of having a conversation, I will either have to sit at the table and listen to her talking/brags about herself and her family. If there is a situation where myself or my husband have tried to change the topic and move onto something else, she jumps in right away and she will find a way to make it again about herself or her fam. Her husband is extremely quiet and he barely says anything. I told my husband that I am finding it impossible to be around them (to be more specific here)and I feel extremely uncomfortable in my own skin being around both of them. They are now expecting their first child and she said that at some point my husband will babysit their child. I was like HUH? Not sure if it was a joke or not, but I did not like it. My husband works long hours and he barely spends any time with me as his wife let alone to babysit their child. Considering the fact that both of us are not ready to have a child, why would we want to babysit a baby whose parents never made any effort with me? When we got engaged, they did not even say congratulations, His brother only sent a message to my husband and that was it.
Again, I tried to be the bigger person and say congrats on their baby etc.

Anyways, I realized that I no longer want to be around them or associate them with. I hate the feeling when I have to see them. I get anxious and I get this feeling with people that I am not comfortable with. I hate to be in my own skin when I have to be around them. Yesterday, my husband asked me to go with him to their house and I refused. I do not want to carry on like this, keep my mouth shut and listen to her all the bloody time. I am so sick of it. Because I refused, my husband made a really big fuss and told me I should do it for him. and how his bff wife does not like the husband fam but she keeps doing it for the sake of the husband. I just can't believe that he would rather me to feel uncomfortable in my own skin just so he can see his brother. I said he can go alone and I don't always have to accompany him. My husband expressed how worried he is when we have kids at some point in the future and that our kids should not see me like this?? I should be open and do it for him. I feel it is pointless having to explain how I feel because when I do he starts saying right away what about him. This is the biggest problem in our marriage. He wants to see his brother every week at least.

It feels like his brother and his wife are so much more important than his own wife's feelings. It makes me feel so sick that I just want to pack all of our suitcases and move us miles away from everything.

Few of my friends said she doesn't like me and hence why this behavior. My husband says they are nice people and they love me. I know what my husband is doing and I have dated a few other guys in the past before meeting my husband. I got the chance to meet their fam and siblings and it was nothing like this.

I don't know what to do.. If it was up to me I would rather not see them ever again. Maybe this is harsh, but I don't have any good feelings about them.

theres a lot to unpack.

YANBU about a lot of things but YABVU about this.

They are now expecting their first child and she said that at some point my husband will babysit their child.

this is totally normal / healthy and nice.

your presence has upset the status quo and your DH has been a wet lettuce about dealing with this.
you have also let it drift and married him without addressing it. So you are all “at fault” here.

Your DH is a large part of the issue as he let this go on and didn’t tell them in the early stages this wasn’t acceptable.
I would position it to your DH now as you want to have good relations but he needs to facilitate that. He must see how rude and surly his brother is… it’s not okay for him to be like that and your DH needs to tackle it.

i don’t think you should avoid them for ever but I do think he can see them without you sometimes.

separately, babies are often a “new chapter” or new start - this could be a nice at to try and reset the relationship.

ultimately it’s up to you - but if you go “hard” on this you will have A LOT of friction in your marriage

My ex's brother didn't like me and also had a girlfriend who would take over the conversation all the time. I do, however think you are overreacting a little and letting your emotions get the best of you.
I never kicked up a fuss about seeing them, they were polite but distant which was fine. I did roll my eyes in my head every time the girlfriend opened her mouth but it was harmless, albeit annoying. I just joined in with the conversation and never felt that I was obligated to sit there silently listening to her going on about her genius daughter and her rare horses.

Thank you for your comment.

Re the babysitting the baby, I completely agree that is normal and a healthy thing. But considering the fact how they have been towards me, why would I like to babysit their child? I would absolutely do it billion percent if the setting of the whole situation wasn't like this.

Before we got married, I did speak with my husband on so many occasions and he told me that he has raised it with this brother. And that over time they will change. My husband as well mentioned something along the lines just to keep up to learn to deal with her since she is the youngest child and very spoiled.
I always saw it as nobody has told her to keep her mouth shut and hence the reason of her behavior. she is the kind of person who seems to be entitled to say anything and everything. She is trashing her own husband in front of us, talking inappropriate silly things about my husband as well and nobody is saying anything to her. Its like that is the norm. I have baked so many times and I used to always take half of the cookies or cakes to them, until she started to trash that I bake constantly and we eat too much. This is when I stopped doing it.

Maybe possibly the fact that she never had a boyfriend before nor she dated anyone before marrying my DH brother? I don't know. I have tried to have an open mind for around two years, but now its coming too much.

Stick to your guns!

Some people are like this. There's nothing you can do to change it and it will be pointless. But you have been given a very huge insight into how your future will look like. Your dh is AlReady not sticking up for you. This is a VERY big problem. Now imagine kids in the mix. Them having a relationship with YOUR kids, being nasty and sly and excluding you while thinking they have rights to your kids. Your dh is NEVER going to stick up for you then because all he will see is them wanting a relationship with your kids, not the nastiness they throw in your direction. I would honestly rethink your whole relationship because your dh has already made it clear where he stands.

Sorry to say your real problem is your DH. He knows you are being disrespected, ignored, made unwelcome, but he expects you to put up with it so HIS life is made easier.

He doesn't have your back. Unless he does I can't see your marriage being mutually supportive or happy. Don't bring children of your own into this either, sounds likely he'd turn a blind eye to his brother and SIL being horrible to them too.