To wonder what to do about child who hates holidays

[Tinseltrees]

We have 2 children. One pre teen, other mid teen.

The mid teen has never really enjoyed holidays or even days out. We have been leaving them behind for majority of days out since they turned 13 but they are nowhere near sensible enough to be left alone overnight or longer yet. We don’t really have an option of leaving them with anyone else either.

Our other child is very adventurous-loves being out and seeing new places.
We are lucky enough to be able to afford good holidays but if we ask the older one where they’d like to go they will always say nowhere.

when we have been away before they tend to enjoy elements of any holiday once they are they but still say they would have preferred not to come.

DH and I feel sad that younger one is missing out on opportunities because their sibling is so reluctant. We have considered holidaying separately and just taking younger one but that seems a shame too.

to avoid drip feeding-older one is under Camhs for anxiety in general including school avoidance. Their attendance is actually good but it is an effort every day to get into school so I feel they are using up all their ‘leaving the house’ energy on school and can see why they don’t have much left for holidays.

What would/do others do in a similar situation?

All you need is to find one place older DC likes and base yourself there and take younger DC on day trips. We luckily found a family owned holiday park by the sea when DD was 4 and have been there about 12 times now! (As well as other places, but that one's a banker).

Can the mid-teen stay with anyone like a grandparent or aunt/uncle whilst you all go away? Or would that upset them?

Cottage holiday and set it up to allow the non holiday dc to stay in. ASD ds 15 is happy agreeing to join in some things if he can stay back some time also.

I’d take them anyway. I don’t see why they are dictating the rest of the families experiences. Why are they in charge? my oldest Dd is similar , anxiety and camhs. ASD, ADHD and never wants to go anywhere. She always comes and sometimes every enjoys herself, it really isn’t her role to be the deciding factor in everything, we manage her and give her extra support but there is no way everyone else is missing out.

Have you considered sending younger DC to some kind of youth holiday eg PGL so he/she gets some excitement without upsetting the older one?

Would any of the European centre Parcs work, I've looked at them in the past and the Paris one for example looks fantastic.

Very close to public transport and airports so no massive travel to get to it, short flight or Euro to get there, then there's stuff to do close to the park or just staying in it. Your oldest would be able to hang out in the self catering accommodation if they didn't fancy an activity you had chosen.

https://www.centerparcs.eu/in-en/france/fpVNN_holiday-park-villages-nature-paris

That looks good. I’d have to time the suggestion right!
PGL is a great idea for younger one-they’d love that.

Sounds like my autistic kids. It’s tough. We’ve never been abroad with them and the eldest is 12.

Pretty sure PGL falls under childcare as well so you can use childcare vouchers/taxfree childcare account if your youngest is under 12.

Yep it is Ofsted registered so can use childcare payment schemes www.pgl.co.uk/en-gb/adventure-holidays/further-information/booking-with-pgl/childcare-vouchers

Would it work for the older child if you took them but ensured there was something they are really interested in?

For example if money is no problem and they love animals, you’ve booked a holiday and a zoo experience meet and greet the animals?

Or they’re really into Pokemon or gaming, you take them to Tokyo and book a day of doing relatable things before announcing holidays?

Or they’re into science you have a family holiday to Florida, you book them a day at Kennedy space centre and the younger one can pick a park they wish to go to?

Obviously these are all very big ideas but even on a smaller scale could work really well.

My autistic dd always hated holidays with us.
I think you need to take them with for now as you have no choice about leaving them but make it as autism friendly as possible: allow them to stay in their room for hours on end even if it seems it’s not in the spirit of the holiday. Make sure they’re able to eat food they prefer. We used to go down for breakfast and leave DD in the room sleeping. When she got up, she’d eat some sort of pre wrapped cake bar or cereal bar for breakfast. We mixed up days out with sitting around days and only took her with us if she wanted to go.
Literally just take them on holiday with their device and headphones and let them do whatever they want in the room/apartment while the rest of you do the holiday you want. Maybe make it nice for them by paying for some things they can use on their device - games and apps and so on. Let them sleep whenever they want.
You never know, maybe getting to chill a their own pace will mean they’ll join in with some of what you do. DD liked boat trips, zoos (definitely go somewhere where there’s a zoo or wildlife park), dolphin shows etc.

Or take them to Japan, Korea or China - in my experience they’re a real draw for autistic young people.

I’d take the adventurous child. But my dh is pretty boring when it comes to holidays and would be fine with staying at home with the other kid.

I'd tell the older one they need to come, but can stay in the hotel/apartment once you get there and don't need to join in days out.

We have a similar dilemma with eldest autistic daughter not wanting to go on holiday and younger one keen to go abroad. It is difficult. We have compromised by a week away in a cottage UK based so it can all be low key - youngest fed up that its too boring, oldest resentful that we go at all! But overall it seems to work as good as we can get it.
Luckily this year as well as this, I've been able to book to take youngest DD away for a long week to Barcelona so she gets to experience more variety. Meanwhile oldest is looking forward to chilling out at home. I think this should work well and will aim to do it again if we can afford it.

I suggest you encourage your youngest to join the Scouts, so they can some adventurous trips without their sibling. And as pps have suggested, a parent can take the youngest one away for a few days at a time, while the other stays home with oldest.

Re family holidays, if it's grim for everyone, then you don't need to go away as a family to have quality family time. You can have staycations, where you all stay at home but do fun things as a family every day for week - local trips, lunches out, movie nights etc.

It's just a few years till your eldest will be old enough to stay home, so I don't think you should put him, and you all, through the stress of a holiday he doesn't want to go on.

Despite my career being in autism, I still read this thread and feel desperately sorry for the siblings.

It's so tough for siblings of neurodiverse (or potentially so) kids. They miss out on so much, and have so many 'looked forward to' activities and holidays ruined by everything revolving around the ND sibling. Not only is their day to day life affected, but they don't get a fun holiday or day out.

I think that it's worth considering every possibility that doesn't restrict the NT sibling. Whether it's the ND child staying with grandparents or aunts/uncles, the NT child going on PGL type holidays, or one parent talking them away for a few days while the other stays home with the sibling.

Be honest with yourself how much do you consider your eldest’s wants and needs before booking a holiday? If they have anxiety you need to involve them in the booking process and prepare them in advance & ideally tailor it a bit to what they enjoy. It might also be a good idea to invite one of his friends along to so he has company.

Change in routine is hard. How often to go away? Maybe should be once a year? Maybe go to the same place?

Since he is getting services maybe the professionals can offer advice?

I think I'd just have one parent take the teen who wants to go. Take two holidays per year, each parent goes once.

Its not a law that you have to have a family holiday. Better to have fun independently than misery all together.

If change is routine is part of the issue leaving him home would be a change in routine. He can be happy or unhappy whether he is at home or if he is away. Do the family thing until he is old enough to be on his own. He does not have to be happy all the time. Other people have needs as well. The first time you leave him home at whatever age he might be feeling left out and have a hard time articulating.

I wasn't given a choice as a teenager and had to go on holidays I never wanted to go on but often enjoyed once there.

My kid teen autistic son hates leaving the house . For holidays I have to book a room for him that he stays in while I take the others out . It has to be self catering facilities as he won’t go out for food - would just starve instead .
Leaving the house to go to the airport is the worst bit - he gets aggressive and violent and it takes hours to get him out - so we always stay at the airport hotel the night before to allow for this extra time and stress .
it’s a nightmare and I wish he had someone else to stay with but he hasn’t . I hope one day he will be safe enough to be left at home .