To think this is OTT (dating related)?

[DatingMum6838]

I’ve been speaking to this woman (I’m a lesbian so same sex) for the last couple of weeks, we haven’t met yet because we live long distance and it’s been the school holidays.

I think I know this is OTT but I think I need some back up of other people’s opinions to not feel guilty about binning her off.

She constantly needs reassurance - like if I don’t flirt with her (I’m not like that personality wise) or call her ‘babe’ or something like that she’ll keep asking if I like her (like how the fuck do I know when I haven’t even met the girl yet?!) and she’s already asked me if I’m speaking to other people because she’s ‘investing her all’ into this situation… like it’s batshit crazy right?

How do I get out of this nicely? Obviously I don’t want to be a dick about it and hurt someone’s feelings

Just say because of distance you don't think it will work and wish her the best.

Tough one. I think you have 2 options:

1 - be up front with her about how she is making you feel. You don’t have to be mean about it but honestly you’d probably be doing her a favour by letting her know she’s giving off all these insecure/needy/harassing vibes. Tell her you like her but it’s too much for you as you aren’t an emotionally ‘touchy-feely’ person, especially so early in.

2 - do a slow fade. Probably the less blunt of the two options but the one that would probably cause you more grief initially as she would ramp up the neediness.

Id go for option 1, you are after all a person in this too and your feelings and wants are just as valid as hers.

Yeah she’s just a bit too much and I’ve dated someone before that was insecure like that and it’s draining - like I’ve got the pressures of my own life without having to look after another adult’s emotional needs too. It’s so bad that she’ll put her hair up in a photo and be like oh have I put you off now because of my hair? Like no, that’s just too much

That is way too much, and would be an instant turn off for me. She’s given me the ick and I’ve never even spoken to her.

How much personal info does she know about you? Does she have your address?

Honestly if it's just over computer there's a handy button called "off".

Don’t do a slow fade. That’s childish. She clearly has anxious attachment or is just too intense, you’ve not even met her. Just tell her straight it’s too much for you and has put you off

@SparklyOwls she’s added me on some social media but doesn’t know anything like my address etc

@beanontoast yeah I don’t have the time or energy for a slow fade, I think being upfront is going to be the best and kindest thing for sure

The slow fade would almost certainly just intensify the anxiety anyway, someone that hyper aware of every interaction would sense it immediately and pull harder. More grief than it’s worth

Long distance is crazy at the best of times, so therein lies your excuse.

She sounds like an absolute nightmare and, to be honest, I suspect she’ll massively overreact whatever you say/do to end it, and the kindest thing (for both of you) is to get it over with rather than trying to fade her out by going cold on her.

I would just say that you’re sorry but you don’t think it’s going to work and it doesn’t feel right for you. She will almost certainly want to pick over every detail of why it doesn’t feel right, and if she does keep on at you, do not get into a discussion with her. Just say that you’re not comfortable with continuing the conversation. If she continues to go on at you, then block her.

Argh I think id be quite frank about this. You've not met so you don't owe her anything but you'd be doing her a favour being straight up.

Maybe something like 'it's been great getting to know you Pat, you're clearly a lovely person but The more we chat it gets clearer we have different communication styles. With the distance, I think it's best to leave it here. For instance, if I'm honest, I'm just not into having to reassure someone I haven't met that I like them as I want to be sincere and decide that in person, in good time. I know you'll meet someone who's a great match and wish you all the best'.

Any shit, block. You can't say it nicer or clearer than that.

She was still awake so I spoke to her about it - PP was correct it was a huge reaction so I’ve blocked her on everything - that just shows a lot of red flags for me and I for sure dodged a bullet!

You’ve dodged a bullet for sure, I couldn’t be doing with someone like that either. It sounds exhausting. Dating is supposed to be fun!

Yeah exactly and whenever I encouraged her to be more relaxed and go with the flow she would make out like I was ‘mugging her off’ apparently and even when I explained to her that I didn’t want to continue she tried blaming it on me saying I was in the wrong for not putting up with it and trying to justify needing constant reassurance… draining and good luck to the next one!