to be jealous of my SIL?

[kritur]

I knwo the answer to this btw........ It just helps to get it off my chest a bit.

My SIL has just announced she is pregnant, accident but not unwanted. My H and I were going to start trying at the end of the year as we're waiting for genetic counselling appointment to see if I'm a carrier of a genetic disease that's in my family . So I am irrationally upset and jealous of my SIL. I think it might be the shock of it, she hadn't even got kids on her horizon and we had but had to put it off. I also have a funny relationship with her. She likes to show off her wealth and always has to do better than we do materially. We are always being told by ILs that they're going on a fabulous holiday, getting a new car, new TV etc. She lives close to the ILs whereas we live about 2 hrs away. I am dreading all the future comparisons between us when H and I have a child of our own. I have also been pretty irrational thinking what if we can't have kids? wouldn't it be horrible dealing with that when SILs baby is around? When I found out on friday it was very raw and I actually cried (it had been an emotional day, I visited a friend of mine who had tried to commit suicide) and although I am feeling more rational now I know the next few months will be difficult.

So I know I'm being unreasonable and should just get over myself but thought I'd let it out to help the healing process.

You let it out love
YANBU just a bit sensitive and emotional.
Just think of 9months time when her lovely house is all messed up with baby things and how her fantastic holidays will now have to be child friendly, fingerprints on her new tv and banana mashed into her posh car seats
You of course when its your turn will take it all in your stride and relish the chaos that dp and I currently live in!

My friend who has a baby said I should just have a brilliant year this year and make the most of it. Take the tests in my stride and see what happens then. We are planning a great holiday to Morocco and visiting friends in the US that we haven't seen for a few years. Thanks for being nice!

Ah, I understand how you must feel if you have been trying and worrying about potential genetic disorders etc ...
But try to be pleased and excited for your SIL and for the pending birth of your nephew/niece ... being an auntie is lovely you know ... (although being a mum is what you want and what you WILL be, don't let the pleasure of being an auntie be lost IYSWIM?)
FWIW, to see the other side of the coin, I was terribly hurt by a friend when I announced my pregnancy with DS. She had been trying for a while (but I didn't know) and she was very pissed off with me for getting pregnant 'by accident' - she made her displeasure very obvious and it was really awful ... it really spoilt things between us for a while until she got pregnant a few months later.
With twins I might add

Hi Kritur.
I just wanted to show a bit of support. I remember when I had no dc's. It took me 14 years to get my first. I had a mc with the first pg, that took 12 years to acheive, then all I saw was pg ladies everywhere and it hurt me so badly. My best friend is younger than me and was already a grandmother before I got my 2nd dc, so you can imagine that I saw all my friends and family have babies and watch them grow up before I had a baby. I tried to make the best of it by enjoying their dc's when I could. I babysat and spoiled them for Christmas and Birthdays too.
Try not to dwell on SIL being pg and you aren't, I know it'll be really hard and painful, but try to make friends with her? and make a good relationship with her baby, after all, your future dc's will be cousins to it, even if you are a distance away in terms of a map book.
I hope things turn out well for you, I'm sure they will. Be kind to yourself

Message withdrawn

It is completely normal to feel like this. It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable or not, you need to get it out of your system.
Unless you're phoning your SIL and telling her exactly what you think of her () then you're doing nothing wrong.

It is so normal. I remember when TTC, friends getting pregnant would have me (privately) in tears, even if I was happy for them. Once I was in Space NK and a pregnant woman was hogging the assistant's attention talking about products she could use while pg. God I was so upset with her, I started crying and had to leave! I wasn't her fault and I had hardly any reason at all to be upset - some people suffer much worse with mcs or infertility - but it just can get to you and there it is. Let it all out here and to understanding friends so that you can be all smiles when necessary!

YA SO NBU.

I remember finding out that my sis was PG with her first - unplanned. She was upset about it too as she wasn't ready. My mum told me on the phone and I got so hysterical I couldn't speak. I later threw up from crying so much.

yanbu - I had a miscarriage and then suddenly all my friends, sister, ex's dp etc etc were all getting up the duff and I have to admit with some of them I burst into tears as soon as they told me - was feeling v emotional. They understood though - it's not like you deliberately feel miserable.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel all sorts of emotions including jealousy - it's natural. Same thing has happened to me and although I am happy for my brother and his wife, when it's you who wants a baby it can hurt. You have to remember though that they wouldn't have done it intentionally and it has nothing to do with your dislike of your SIL or her dislike of you.

I think you are getting all mixed up and upset, which is natural but that you need to watch that you don't start making assumptions about how they planned it.

I had genetic conselling as my partner has a chromosome problem which in balanced translocation. We have lost three babies. The last at 22 weeks, thats when we found out about problem took partners blood. The day after I lost the baby my SIL came around she wasn`t asked and then talked about kids being brats and been generally not nice. She always makes me feel crap and when I go out for meals with family etc makes me feel the odd one out.

I think you are feeling shock which is natural, be kind to yourself I have good days and bad days play it by ear. Don`t try and think about it just concentrate on you. You may be lucky with your problem I talk to alot of people from ARC they are full of stories of babies against the odds. email me if you want more help regarding gentic issue.

Don't worry cutie, it'll be your turn so soon. xxx

You poor thing, YANBU at all.

My SIL get pregnant with my nephew also accidentally just as DH and I were going to start trying through IVF because of his genetic problems... It was incredibly hard at first and although I am close to SIL I couldn't speak to her for a bit. FWIW I found her pregnancy very difficult to deal with but once DN was born, it was much easier and I spoiled him like mad. She also made me a godmother so I had a special reason to be very close to him.

Good luck, you will get there in the end and it will be lovely for your babies to have cousins of a similar age to play with

Thanks for all your messages of support. I know she didn't plan it to make me upset and there's no way I would let her know. I will try to follow all your advice. Thanks

no you're not being at all unreasonable. If you told her that would be unreasonable but you're not, just human. I went through this a few times (though thankfully no-one too close) when I was TTC and in the early stages of adoption. It can be very hard.

The advice to try to have a lvoely year and make the most of having no reponsibilies is a very good one. Your new niece/nephew will be lovely when they arrive and if your're like me you won;t feel so bad when confronted with a real little person with an existance of their own. Its the ruminating about it before hand that sucks.

YANBU

I have been ttcing for a long time now and when I hear that friends are pg I still feel emotional. It is really hard when you are told and have to fight the tears and be suitably enthusiastic, even when they just won't talking about every twinge and sensation.

I find it really hard to explain. I am genuinely delighted for my friends but hearing the news is upsetting. Babies are much easier and as they get older it gets better and better. Being an auntie is fab, you get to share all the fun things and see your DN's face light up when you enter the room.

Kritur, I wouldn't worry about feeling like that, and I wouldn't worry about telling her (as long as you say it nicely rather than accusing her of something!). I am currently pregnant and a really good friend of mine was pregnant as well, but she had a horrible mmc a month or so back and couldn't talk to me without it making her ill. I didn't ever try and speak with her about pregnancy, I'm not that heartless, but I hadn't realised she was finding it difficult just communicating. She told me in the end and I wish she had said it sooner, it didn't make me like her any less but it's good to know these things rather than being blanked and wondering why.

Thanks for all the supportive messages. You are all so nice and it's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this even if I am slightly irrational. I had my first appointment today but bloods not been taken yet so things are moving for us - it'll still likely be the end of the year before we try though.