To think relationships are a waste of time

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I know I'm being a cynic and lots of people have happy and loving relationships/marriages. But I just don't think it's for me. My friends keep telling me to get back out there because I'm only 28, but I just don't see the point in opening up to potentially/probably get hurt again.

I'm 28. I committed 3 years of my life to my first relationship where he turned mentally and physically abusive. We broke up in 2011 and I still feel the effects of his bullying to this day.

I eventually dusted myself off and met my partner who I got engaged to, bought a house with and we had two daughters who are 2 & 3. I thought we were building a family and a life together but again he turned mentally abusive over the last couple of years and has left me broken. I am in an exhausting battle with him over our house and he is trying his best to force me and the children out.

I know eventually things will be ok for me and the girls, and I will do it on my own two feet. But that makes me even more reluctant to ever even entertain another person into my life. What is the point of building another future for all to come tumbling down again and be back at square one. I honestly feel like it's a waste of time and frankly I can't be bothered with the clean up. It's never worth it in my experience.

Is there anyone out there who has been long term single and happy this way? My friends tell me I'm too young to shut down on love and I'm sure I have years to come of family asking if I've met anyone yet etc etc!

Sincerely
forever alone 😂

I’m not long term single but I didn’t want to read your post and run!
I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had such an awful time, there’s no rush to go and meet someone until you feel ready.
Like you, I have 2 children and it’s much harder to date when there’s children involved you don’t want to be rushing into anything too soon.
Spend some time focusing on building your life for you and your children and healing, there’s nothing wrong with being single!
I think it takes a lot more strength to be single, happy and getting your life together than just jumping straight into another relationship that isn’t right for you!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single and happy. I’m 34 and have been single 6 years now. I also have two children. I wouldn’t say never again, but I’m so happy and settled that looking for a romantic relationship is not on my agenda. Stuff what other people think and keep doing what’s right for you. A happy, fulfilling life does not have to include a partner. If someone comes along who adds to your life, fab. But it’s better to be single and happy, than settle for a life with someone who brings stress or sadness x

Only if you want one! And it makes total sense that you wouldn't after what you went through with the last two.

I’ve been single since I was 28 I’m now 35. I haven’t dated at all in that time as I am a lone parent and don’t get “days off” but I was fine with it for the first 5 or so years but sorry to say I miss sex and I’ve been celibate for 7 years and I really don’t want to get to 40 with no sex since my 20s 😂 fine if you are not bothered though!

Oh goodness you've had a terrible time of it. No wonder you're feeling this way! I think you're absolutely right to just think about yourself and your girls just now, you've got enough trauma on your plate! Never say never, you're so young, but I don't believe people need a relationship to be happy, so don't feel like you've failed or are 'wrong' somehow for not wanting one!

You are ever so young to have settled down so quickly, you have two young children and you are just coming out of a bad relationship; having a few years single would undoubtedly be very good for your mental health. You can work out later what you DO want from any future relationships, and if you then meet someone great then excellent, if not you'll have built a life that works without anyone else. Good luck.

I’m the same, yep.

Crap men and crap relationships (I could provide horrific details but I don’t want to give myself nightmares before bed drudging everything back up!), I know it well, believe me.

I’m early 30’s, single Mumma to a 9 year old DD and couldn’t be happier in all honesty. My friend says the same ‘you’ve closed yourself off because of what so and so did to you’ etc etc

But in truth, no, I haven’t. I’ve just realised that I’ve got enough of my own stuff going on without dealing with anyone else’s rubbish on top quite frankly, and you know what, there’s nothing wrong with that!

I’m sure someone will come along at some point who will make life easier in some way for me, and for you - but until then, who even cares! Don’t settle and don’t put up with a pleb just because it’s ’someone’.

The good ones apparently turn up when you’re not looking, so I’ve been told..!

I’m right in that forever single boat with you my love, great company! X

I don’t think you should base your staying single forever on a relationship that started when you were 13. And again, you settled down and had kids very quickly. There’s no reason to rush into another relationship, you’ve already had kids and are still young. Leave it 5-10years and then think about it again focus on yourself and your kids for now. But it’s pointless closing yourself off forever because of boys you met as a teen and early 20s

But you are 28 with two very small children why even think about dating again? You don’t have to swear off dating forever but equally it would probably be good to take some years out anyway? Mine are much older now. 28 with a 2&3 year old probably should spend some years on just raising their kids anyway

Well you've all made me feel much less of a depressing man hating cynic so thank you for all being so kind❤️

I forgot to mention that I was with my ex fiancé and father of girls since I was 18, so just over a decade. I think that's why I'm even more put off ever settling back down with anybody else. I don't regret the time spent and it certainly wasn't wasted when i have my beautiful girls out of it, but overall I hate the idea of putting us all through potential heart break when I don't think there's anyone out there who can add something to my life. I keep getting comments that I'm too young to be this closed off and 'you never know what's around the corner!' Yes... I do! A happy and stress free life for me and my children.

Single girls club and happy to be in it

@AmazingDayz I'm not thinking about dating, that's kind of the point - I don't want to but feel like there's such a stigma to being alone and I constantly get comments about it

So you’ve been single for less than 2 years, since the age of 13. Yep deff time to take a break! Doesn’t have to be forever if you don’t want it to be, just tell other people to mind their own business. Nothing wrong with being single!

Relationships are not necessarily a waste of time. Some are worthwhile and life-enhancing. But a surprisingly large amount are not and generally speaking you are usually better off single. I'm a lot older than you (51) and I'm not single, technically, but I can say hand on heart that the happiest times of my life have been when I've been single. Being single is hugely underrated.

The problem is as women we are relentlessly pushed into believing that we need a relationship with a man for validation so we prioritise this over all other factors and feel like a failure if we are not with a man. So it can be very difficult to view a relationship objectively and see it for what it really is.

You are still very young and have two bad relationships behind you (through no fault of your own). I think in your position, and with young children who need to be your priority, you should certainly focus on being on your own, getting to know what you really like and don't like and making your children the priority. Particularly if two of your significant relationships have involved mental abuse. You may need to do some work on yourself to learn better boundaries etc.

If, down the road, when you are happy with yourself and when your self-esteem is good, you find a man who is worthy of you then great. But you should never ever make having a man a sole objective in life. That's a fast road to compromise and disappointment.

You are very young abd have been through a lot.

Take some time to be you, work out how to live by yourself and like yourself.

Relationships are a nice to have, not an essential.

Your view makes sense because your two major relationships have ended horribly with abuse.

I don’t think you need to think in absolutes. Your kids are young, and so are you, you don’t need to rush into but equally you don’t need to decide now if you’ll stop dating forever. Just enjoy being with your DC and your friends/family, you don’t need to commit to being single forever. You don’t really have to think about it now or make that choice. A lot of people are happy as lifelong singles. The main thing is a good relationship should enrich your life, but it shouldn’t define it.

You will have no idea how you’ll feel in 5, 10, even 15 years when your kids are older. Just live for now and don’t make any major life decisions about hypotheticals.

Really? I get the opposite and people seem horrified I want to date! And expect me to stay single till my kids have grown up 😂

I'm 28. I committed 3 years of my life to my first relationship where he turned mentally and physically abusive. We broke up in 2011

I don't think you can count a 'relationship' that started when you were 13 as a way to judge life.
In truth, even someone you start a relationship with at 18 is still very young.

YABVU to think all relationships are a waste of time.
But YWNBU to take some time to focus on you and your dc for a while now, and not get involved with anyone else for a good while.

Me, I'm almost 40 and have been single for a long time. Had three serious involvements all of which left me broken hearted and traumatised. Had a few other shorter relationships too with nice enough guys but who just weren't right for me. At the beginning of last year I signed up to online dating as a sort of last stab, it was awful. Just full of absolute dickheads.

Then something inside me snapped and I realised every single relationship I've ever had has (one way or another) done nothing but make my life harder. All the yearning for a partner and wondering why I couldn't find love literally vanished overnight. Something inside me just went away.

Now I'll never, ever get involved with anyone else again. I'm never going through it again. But I understand that wouldn't be for everyone. I don't have a sex drive anymore, I never wanted children and I love my own company so all those things go in my favour. Facing the future without a life partner does have its concerns of course but ever since I stopped wanting it I've felt so much more at peace.

You still have every chance of a happy ending - but there is definitely at least one woman here who has completely quit relationships!

Good luck x

I've been single for 10 years. I'm older than you but still have a young child. My husband left me for OW after a long marriage. Initially I felt that I wanted to find somebody but as time has gone on, I'm actually quite happy being single. I see my friends in shitty marriages putting up with all sorts of nonsense because they don't want to be alone. I would never live with somebody again or share finances. You are still very young but it won't do you any harm to spend some time alone, perhaps do the Freedom Programme. I found that very helpful for realising why I made terrible choices with men. Good luck!

I'm about your age, OP, and I've never been in a relationship. I think it might be nice sometimes, but I like a lot of time spent by myself and I'm a lesbian, so the odds of finding someone you like who also likes you are a lot lower anyway.

I don't know about deciding to never get into a relationship, but what need to think in absolutes? I think in your situation, it's certainly better to decide not to pursue/get into any romantic relationship for the time being - give yourself time to heal emotionally.

YANBU. I haven't been in a relationship since I split with my abusive ex when I was 19. We were young and silly and I got pregnant at 17, he was very controlling and I ended up having to leave to live in a hostel (I was living with him in his mum's house).

I just dedicated my life to raising DS. I'm 34 now. I've had friends with benefits type situations and casual dating, but I just can't ever picture myself committing or having a man living in my home. The thought of it makes me feel claustrophobic.

I'm sure there are some lovely men out there but all I see around me is ones verging from a bit useless to downright awful and I can't be doing with it.

@UsingChangeofName that's my mistake, we got together in 2011 when I was 15/16 and then broke up in 2013 when I was just about to turn 18. It was an awful time and I know i was young but I was old enough to be mentally scared by him

Ladies you are all so bloody lovely and fully deserve to focus all of your time and energy on yourselves, I definitely don't need anybody to do it for me and as lovely as all the romance movies are, 32 year old John off tinder doesn't quite have The Notebook vibe😅

I've been married twice and had a couple of LTR, I've also lived in my own for 10 years. Those 10 years were probably my most peaceful and calm. Tbh if my marriage were to breakdown I'd not bother again. I think if you're financially stable, have a good social circle and a few hobbies living alone is bliss