DM making what I feel are inappropriate comments about 2 year old daughter

[Butterflysize]

Is this weird or am I BU?

My parents live several hours away and come to visit every few months for a couple of days. Every time they come to stay DM makes some kind of comment about my toddler DD in front of/to her such as ‘she will have all the boys lining up on the drive when she’s older’ and making comments to her brother that all his friends will come round just because they will want to look at his sister.

Obviously I think she is beautiful - but this makes me feel a bit creeped out and uncomfortable. It’s so frequent too and it feels like it’s placing a positive value on being seen as attractive to men that I don’t particularly like. I’m starting to understand how I ended up as a teen and young woman to be constantly chasing approval from the opposite sex, have low self esteem and getting into some bad situations! I am careful to praise her for trying hard, being kind, being strong etc and not only being adorable to look at.

Am I being touchy or is this odd? If so, how can I address without causing offence?

Tell her to stop?

YANBU at all, completely innapropriate comments about a child!!!

YANBU. This is the only thing I have ever challenged my DM on, I let nearly everything go to be honest. But the constant pressure she put on me and my sister to look a certain way drove me nuts as a child and still now as an adult. I don't want DD thinking that her looks are what make her beautiful if you know what I mean. So I do tell her she's beautiful and looks lovely and all the rest of it but not to the exclusion of other traits and I told my DM not to comment on her body shape or prettiness, at all.

Gawd, I hated adults saying this sort of thing to me as a child. One bloke I remember would always ask me, ‘have you got a boyfriend yet?’ - if only I’d have had the courage to respond with ‘no, because I’m 6, you horrible, creepy old perv’.

YANBU

@BigMandsTattooPortfolio My grandma used to do this constantly too! From a very young age. She would also very weirdly tell me that I would give up my sport (which I still do) as soon as I ‘discovered boys’. What a very positive, life affirming message to give to a young girl. I hated it.

If you think your mum is reasonable, tell her calmly that you would like her to praise your daughter more for her behaviour and less for her looks. Also comments about boys are inappropriate until she is of an age when she knows whether she is into them at all.

“mum that sounds creepy!”
“Why do you keep going on about her looks, as though you think that’s the most important thing she can be?!”
”mum people will think you’re a bit odd going on about a toddler having boyfriends/what a toddler looks like”
Mum that’s really inappropriate

I know someone who commented on his tiny daughter snogging him with tongues. Needless to say she was in care, he was well inappropriate.

It’s seriously icky and I’d be telling her to stop in no uncertain terms.
My parents used to do the same thing, but more in regards to weight rather than looks. I became fixated and developed an eating disorder for years based on their obsession with my size.

You just tell her that you don't want over sexualised and an emphasis on appearance to be given to your DD. If she takes offence then leave her to it.

This is old fashioned and not very nice now .Just say "look Mum ,I know you mean well,but these comments are a bit passe now .maybe focus on her intelligence and kindness instead? Said nicely she shouldnt take offence surely

Cut your grandma some retrospective slack. In their day, mums dressed girls in “pink to make the boys wink” and saw the gender roles in black and white. She wouldn’t have even heard the phrase, life affirming message!

People have made similar comments about my sons, l think it's just a stupid thing people tend to come out with.

YANBU, it's very disturbing.

Each and every time, tell her to stop speculating about whether boys are going to find your two year old attractive in the future, and inject a note of shock into your voice. Make it clear to her that you are offended.

i have this before with my son. ‘Oh he’ll break all the girl’s hearts’. I’ve started to say, ‘or the boys’. For some reason the type of person who says this thinks making gay references is distasteful and overly sexual - gets them to put it into context with what they are doing!

It used to be a very typical way of complimenting kids but it’s fallen out of favour (for good reason IMO), so I think you just need to say to her something like “Mum! That’s really not a great way to talk about her. I know you think she’s beautiful, and so do I, but could you not focus comments on her being sexually attractive when she’s older.”

Its not ideal and it is irritating. But in all honesty, I very much doubt the odd comment from her grandmother is going to be the game changer when it comes to her self esteem and the value she places on male approval. The influence of a relative from two generations away will be minimal when compared to that of her peers, social and other media and societal culture. Your mum's comments are part of the problem in the same way as a rain drop is part of the problem in a flood. So if you can say something without causing upset, fine. But if not, truly, I'd not worry too much in the scheme of things.

Yep a bit odd, and especially as she's TWO. Good grief. My uncles (and aunts) used to say stuff like 'she'll be a heartbreaker when she's grown' about young female children, but I have never said it. It's a bit weird isn't it? I am sure she means no harm but it may be a good idea to ask her if she would stop it now.

When my old neighbour had a baby boy (when she was 27,) her nan's husband - so her step-grandad (late 70s at the time,) used to try and shush the 'noisy kid' - as he called him - when he was a chatty 3 year old. He told him if he didn't be quiet he would cut his tongue out, and he waved the scissors around. His mother was horrified and told him to stop. The little boy was like

Damn near traumatised the poor lad. He said it again even after being told not to, and his mother (my old neighbour,) stopped taking her son to her nan and step-grandad's house, and when her nan was upset, she told her she can come see them at their house, but her husband is not welcome. Neighbour moved away a few months later so I'm not sure how it went after......

Just tell her to drop. She may not realise the underlying messages she is giving out

YANBU.

I wouldn’t want anyone let alone my own mother making these type of comments to a daughter of mine. I was discussing with a friend about something similar the other day who had to ask a family member to stop commenting on her 4 year old daughter’s looks. Instead she asked that comments made to her daughter be about things she has accomplished or the effort she’s putting in to things rather than how pretty or beautiful she is.

Tell her loudly in a jokey way that she's 'obsessed with that talk about boys' and 'you keep saying it Mum do you not think it's a bit weird' keep pointing that out each time.

Comments like this are reinforcing stereotypes and there's no need for them to be a part of your daughter's upbringing.

The change has to start somewhere.

Tell her it's creepy and please stop. I had to tell my mum when she was saying that my 2 year old was flirting with my dad. Ick! To be fair she hasn't said anything like that since but she's very open to criticism and not afraid to change. My fil is equally gross but will never change so we rarely see him now.

It is very odd. But judging what you say about your nan, this was instilled in your mum from a young age too.

Please explain to her and tell her to stop.

This is not an 'age' thing before anyone jumps on that bandwagon.

You need to pull her up on it every single time as it's ridiculous.

My great mil said my two year old had better get rid of her pimple or none of the boys would want her.

We saw less of her after that.

Someone (a professional person) told me that parents are the barrier between grandparents and kids and that the things a grandparent does or doesn't do, or the things they say or don't say - doesn't have nearly the impact the parent thinks it might.

The parent looks at it through the lens of themselves, they see their parents actions towards their children as an act against them. But that's not how the child sees it. Their primary relationship is with their own parent.

So you saying 'oh stop being so silly mother' is enough to take the weight out of her comments because your child will hear a grandparent view but by default will look to the parent to see if it's valid or not.

Basically it's very hard for a grandparent to undermine a parent, but very easy for a parent to undermine a grandparent because to the child - the parent is the authority.

Hope this helps you navigate. It helped me because I was facing something sort of similar when I received this advice.

Not quite the same but I have a friend who has a 4 year old granddaughter and she can be a little madam and they all just laugh at her "oh what is she like" what she's like is a rude little diva and they are doing her no favours by not pulling her up on her attitude. She's called a "princess" all the time by the whole family. Even her teachers say she is a character, don't think they've grasped what the teacher means. There is constant references to how beautiful she is. They're really not doing her any favours.