Was I being too harsh re privacy at home?

[Melindaverga]

I had a bit of an argument with my mother earlier, which I feel bad about as that hasn't happened in around 4 years, we usually get on very well.
I have also run out of my setraline medication and due to all the bank holidays haven't been able to order, I will tomorrow, but don't think it's helped.
Anyway I recently went through a break up and moved out of the home I shared with my ex and with my parents for a couple of weeks whilst I found somewhere else, fortunately I'm due to move in any day now, again Christmas has slowed everything down.
I am very grateful they've put me up and I am contributing to food, cleaning etc.
The reason we fell out is due to a lack of privacy. It's only a very small flat, but my Mum has a tendency to just burst in on people and it does my head in.
There are no locks on bedroom doors. She will knock and call my name but won't wait for an answer, she will come straight in. She did it again just earlier and I was just relaxing in bed in my underwear.
So I've been letting it go but earlier I told her that it was really frustrating me. She denied doing it and says she always knocks.
The difference with my father is that he knocks and waits for an answer.
It's not only that, I just feel like I don't get much peace sometimes. I told her I'm a woman in my mid 30s, I'm not a toddler who needs constant supervision.
Yesterday my Dad had cooked a meal and told me to go and help myself in the kitchen. I went to do it and my Mum started fussing around me, telling me I need to get a plate, telling me what to take, to get cutlery, not listening to my answers when I said thanks but I knew where xyz was. Wjen she didn't stop I said 'Please just let me do it my own way.' and then she walked off.
She also needs to constantly know where I am and what I'm doing. I do socialise with my parents but I also like my own space and might just want to watch a film or read, or just be alone for a bit. Because it's a small flat I'll frequently hear her say 'What's Melinda doing?' 'Where's Melinda?' 'Has she gone out?'.
I probably am sounding harsh and I am very grateful she cares. It's the bursting in on me I cannot stand though, but fortunately I am moving out any day now hopefully.
I feel bad, I have enjoyed staying with them and I shouldn't have got wound up earlier, she seemed a bit upset. Normally when she bursts in I'll explain to her 'I was just getting dressed', 'I was just having a nap' and so on. What to do?

Download the nhs app, you can order your repeat prescriptions that way

Oh I didn't know, thanks so much!

Apologise for being snappy, explain you are you used to having time and space to yourself, thank her for making Christmas enjoyable despite your break up and for putting you up even though they don’t have much space. And go back to work tomorrow glad to have somewhere else to be!

Get a wedge for your door.

Sympathies - I know exactly what you mean and it feels like you're being smothered. I had the same when l lived with an older family member for a bit to the extent that she would "see me out" anytime I left the house. Literally just stand by the front door whilst I rushed around looking for keys etc. It was difficult as I found people often felt I was being harsh as on their own they sound like minor things from a well meaning family member but when it's everyday and constant it's just awful.

Things like - it's raining have you got an umbrella, why are you cutting your strawberries like that, where are you going etc etc etc.

I left soon after as I just couldn't bare it any longer.

You're right, I have thanked them, and the flat is small but we aren't cramped, the constant interruptions are just difficult, it's hard to watch a film or anything because she constantly shouts things from outside to me or as I say keeps coming in. I haven't lived at home in over a decade and I guess it's just taking some adjusting, it doesn't mean I'm ungrateful but it is hard when you're used to independence and privacy.

Your parents have been very kind to put you up at short notice, plus your new accommodation will be ready soon.
I would thank them and smooth things over with your mum, as you wouldn’t want her upset over the argument & it appears that she meant no harm.
It is often difficult to live with (or holiday with) family once you have matured as the dynamics in the relationships have changed since you were all younger. Your mum is probably still “mothering” you in her eyes.

Yes of course they have been kind, however she just needs to respect my privacy and personal space a bit more. Yes of course I am still her child and I know she is just trying to look after me. I am more introverted than she is too, she will happily sit and chat all day to whoever whereas I find that tiring and need a bit of space to recharge/do my own thing.
I just hate people walking in when you're getting dressed or whatever else, there's no need.
Anwyay I know being off work hasn't helped but I am back in tomorrow and moving soon so things will be back to normal hopefully.

Just keep reminding yourself you won't be there much longer and maybe try to make a contingency plan for the future so you can avoid moving back in again at any point.

I had a similar experience with the DM when I was living at home in my 20s and it was suffocating, and in her case it was a lot more complex than just ‘mothering.’ You are about to move out so as a pp said try and smooth things over and remind yourself not long now.

My DM would burst into my bedroom without knocking, would always find a reason to come into the bathroom when I was in the bath/shower and peek around the shower curtain etc and make a comment both my body, ‘you with the big tits’ being common. I found the latter massively invasive and slightly perverted. Once I left home I realised my DM has absolutely no boundaries and a few other things which I won’t go into.

The votes seem to suggest I'm being unreasonable so maybe I am? It's not that I'm ungrateful, it's just tough when you can't fully relax sometimes.
I know they've helped me out, it doesn't mean that I can't find any part of it difficult that said.
Thanks for understanding, sorry to hear the experience you had with your DM that does sound very difficult and intrusive :(

I think some people have this belief that if you are living with your parents you should be prepared to put up with anything from them however outrageous. The sympathetic part of me thinks maybe your mother is a bit of an anxious type but I can completely see why her behaviour is irritating.

Yes my mother is certainly an anxious type unfortunately. Thanks for understanding.
I wonder if I'd said I was staying with my MIL and she kept walking in on me that the replies would be different?

I think that sounds difficult for you. I would find that trying too.

I am grateful as I know many people have a parent who couldn't care less or the total opposite really. I'm only looking at a couple more days now so I will try to be patient, it's not likely I'll be back in this situation anytime soon fortunately.
I had the option to move out after a week,but they insisted I stay a bit longer, maybe I should've gone then.
Anyway I'll try to just be more patient and tolerant for these last few days.

No you are not being harsh. Be kind. It's boredom and mental illness. I'm in a trap of doing this with my DD. No idea how I got here. My mum does it to me too.

I get it. It was like this when I lived with my in laws - lasted three months before we moved out!

MIL would constantly come into the bedroom and start asking us stuff and sometimes I was literally there in my underwear in bed! One time she barged in when I was changing my jeans and I just had to sit there awkwardly in my nickers trying to cover myself up with my jeans. She had no boundaries.

I never said anything to her though and just kinda put up with it because it was her house. But I felt like I had no privacy. She used to even comment on my gym kit being sweaty after it was washed and how she was getting special detergent etc. for it… it was a bit sweaty but only if you properly smelt the under arms and inhaled! But it was gym kit… it didn’t really need to be perfectly clean! I tried to do my washing as much as I could but she’s always get involved and want it done her way. But I hated the constant comments.

Its good you’re moving out though, it’s so hard living with family when they’re doing you a favour by letting you live there but actually it’s a really difficult way to live.

No one should ever walk into someone else’s bedroom when the door is closed without knocking and waiting for an answer. I have two DC at home and would never not wait for an answer, it’s basic privacy.

I bet there is a product out there that allows you to apply a temporary removable lock to a door. Maybe get one?

Or a wedge as a PP says! Plus wear noise cancelling headphones so you can’t hear her so well when she’s not in the room.

Not being harsh at all.

sertraline withdrawal can make you incredibly tetchy. At least it does me. Won’t help but independently of that, the barging in would also drive me bonkers.

noisydachshundd* *- you are right…
Setraline withdrawal does make you tetchy and irritable (I also cry at nothing) so that won’t help, but OP, your DM is just over-mothering you a bit, I think.

My DS is nearly 40 and I still reach for his hand to cross the road and remind him to wrap up warm, mind what he’s doing and not to drink too much!!
I cringe at myself, but cant seem to help it…
Grit your teeth, you’ll soon be in your own space again.

Door wedge, absolutely! Headphones for the tv and ignore her yelling, even if you can hear her. It's a personality trait and there is nothing you can do to change it.

I've moved into the granny flat at my DM's. It has been hugely beneficial for the both of us, I get to save money for a home deposit and I prepare extra food for her so she gets nicer food. BUT, the only reason I have been able to do this so that I know that my DM is physically unable to enter the granny flat.

When I used to visit her (when living overseas) she would steal my clothes to wash them for me, constantly interrupt me when I was in a phone call, interrogate me every time I was going out, and the very worst part, would constantly criticise my parenting. If she would do it differently to me, that meant that my way was wrong, no matter what.

We had huge arguments because I wouldn't tolerate it, I locked my clothes up in my suitcase, would give her a 3 strikes and you're out warning and then would pack up the DC and head out without a further word.

She knows that I mean it when I tell her to butt out, my DC are teenagers now, so easier for all of us to just ignore her when she gets funny (although in fairness she is much better with her DGC).

But I would never live in the actual same house as her because I just could not tolerate her intrusiveness and bad temper.

Sometimes it's just not possible to share the same space with a parent.

Solidarity. My mum is similar in so many ways. When I lived with her, she used to just wander into my bedroom whenever. Same with my brother. She helped me out last year with childcare and quite frankly, I need my space and alone time so I would nap to get a break in the middle of the day. When she decided in my own house that I should be done napping she opened my door and spoke to me rather than knock. My 40yo, perfectly capable brother lives on my street and we often have dinner together and she asks me what days he's working and stuff and he has a phone just the same as I do?? I refuse to answer much beyond what I would say if we weren't related. I let her know he's alive but I don't pry into his business. Just so massively overbearing and makes me want to fucking scream at times.

They are helping you out, so some toeing the line is necessary but...You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do. It's almost done at least 🙂