DM: Why can’t I cope with normal ‘life with small children’?

[Llamasally]

I’ve been really sick the past few days with some kind of D&V bug. I’m last to get it and obviously it’s lasted longer and been worse. Two DC are now better, after each being ill overnight on separate occasions. So already tired before I caught it! They are bouncing off the walls and I want to crawl into a hole. The house is a total disaster zone after everyone not being able to leave while the bug went through everyone. All plans have had to be cancelled and the kids are bored and fed up and playing up something chronic. I can’t get anything done and I want to cry.

Anyway, I had a bit of a moan to DM as feeling sorry for myself and I got promptly told that this is life with small children and everyone else copes. I now feel 100% worse and pointed out that I’m doing my best to keep going. AIBU?

your mum probably has a short memory she maybe didnt get any help/sympathy if she was ill so she is passing her misery on, I hope you are better soon and go to bed when you can.

Well you are coping, aren’t you? Coping doesn’t mean you don’t feel crap. Ask your dear mother ‘Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful with a comment like that?’ It usually shuts people up.

oh Yanbu you are "allowed" to be ill and moan about it.

It's never unreasonable to have a bit of a moan, especially with sickness and kids in the mix! It's true that you need a shit ton of resilience as a parent, but your mum should have just let you rant and made sympathetic noises tbh 🤣

She's missing the point anyway. You ARE coping. You just want to moan at the same time! Hope you feel better soon OP.

Being ill with ill kids is the hardest bit of parenting so far

Yes, that is life with small children, and not everyone copes. "Coping" when there's illness in the house comes down to keeping the children alive, warm, and not sending them to bed hungry. You are doing that, so well done! Don't be hard on yourself, and let your standards slip until you have fully recovered and got your energy back.

YANBU to find this week tough. Parenting is tough and add in a vomiting bug and things get very tough indeed.

Your is NBU when she says that this is what life is like with small children- it is- but the coping point is a bit strange because you are coping (you don't have to love something to be coping with it). Were you asking her for help and do you do this often? Do you moan to her a lot? It's strange that she wasn't more sympathetic.

Well that is life with small children but you absolutely are allowed to moan because it's still shite when you're in the middle of it, your mother sounds unnecessarily harsh, ignore her.

Remember so long as everyone is alive at the end of the day you have managed just fine.

Dear Lord, I've been there,albeit about fifty years ago! Once small children recover from this they really bounce back, hope you feel much better soon OP.

I suffer with depression and the house being a mess, not being able to keep my meds down and the kids being ‘well’ has just made me so low, I feel like I want to run away. But yes if coping is them being fed (to a fashion) warm and clean then yes I’m coping. By any standard I can live with I am not :(

DH is at work and no one will come to help in fear of catching it. A sympathetic ear wouldn’t be too much to ask surely :(

Aw, you poor sod. Don't worry about the house, messy is absolutely fine as long as your kitchen and bathroom are sanitary. As for the DC, remember the old adage 'All fed, nobody dead'!
How old are the DC? Perhaps someone could suggest something age-appropriate for them to do without your input? There is always the rectangular babysitter (TV!) too.

What an unkind response. Kids are ruthless when sick - they get better 4 times faster than us and it’s relentless.

You sound like you’re coping brilliantly.

As an aside though, if this is a typical interaction with your mother you need to think about your relationship and how to change things so she doesn’t squash you all the time.

OP this is the shit end of life with small children that the older generation always seem to forget! It absolutely stinks. The 4 of us got noro late last year and it was hell on earth. I have young kids and all I wanted was to crawl into a hole and die. I didn’t feel far off it. Your DM is right that this is life with small children however when you’re in the thick of it a bit of sympathy goes a long way. I really hope you’re starting to feel a bit better!

You are coping.

It's still shit.

You're allowed to say it's shit.

Oh, and as for DM, next time she has a gripe, tell her that it's just part of getting older and everyone else manages it! Is her reaction typical for her?

Yes if she ever complains of a bad hip just say “well this is part of getting older what do you expect!”

Life IS like that with small children, she's right. But most parents feel like they're not coping when someone is ill and the normal routine has to go out the window. It's crap, yes, and she shouldn't be saying "everyone else copes" when you are just having a moan, she should be offering empathy and agreeing that it's rubbish but pointing out that you ARE coping because the children are fed, still alive etc etc.

Sounds a bit like she thinks you're dropping the hint that you'd like her to come round and offer to help, and that she doesn't want to as she thinks that's just what all parents have to go through, or something.

No, you weren't asking for much, your mother was being unkind, try not to think about it.
Just rest and make a list of what you want to start with first when you feel a but better, it will get done eventually.

I remember having a total paddy when one by one we got a bug years ago when my two were little. DH didn't get it as he worked long hours, often away. I was nearly always on my own with them. One night, same as you, the kids were getting better, I was starting to feel shit, DS2 was still obviously feeling a bit delicate as did a bit of a cough and started gagging. He'd just had spaghetti bolognese (not ideal when you're recovering from a vomiting bug, I know, but he was a fussy eater and it was one of the few things he'd eat when not feeling 100%).

Next thing I know he was vomiting again, this time straight onto a pale-coloured rug, undigested vomity spag bol all over it. I just couldn't face cleaning up any more vomit, the way I was feeling. I remember bursting into tears, saying "I can't cope with this!" and picking the rug up, vomit and all and putting it in the bin outside. 😂

We got through. But it's hell, yes. You've got my sympathy.

Give yourself a break, you absolutely are coping and your dm doesn't understand the meaning of coping with small children if that's her reaction

At least you know now when you need a moan about anything child related, she's not the one to speak to

Get better soon and sort your house when you feel up to it. Seriously, it can wait.
Remember to make yourself drink water, and eat some toast - set an alarm if you have to
I find I forget to take care of myself when I'm not well AFTER the rest of the house has been taken care of by me when they're ill
I think it's a mum thing?

When I was in the same position the gp (nurse) prescribed me something to stop the vomiting. It meant I could keep both water and meds down. Worth a phone call to 111, or gp tomorrow?

That was a mean thing for your mum to say. Is that typical.of her?

If you have been subjected to such coldness growing up it's no bloody wonder you are dealing with depression.

You are 💯 allowed to feel exhausted, low and resentful!!! In fact, you have license to all your feelings.just don't call your mum when you need support, call someone who will be kind.

It may be life with small children but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to feel fed up and want a moan and a bit of sympathy.

I remember those years as being pretty relentless and tough going even when we were not all ill!

I'm guessing your mum isn't the best at listening and empathy?