AIBU - Letting ex spoil Christmas / anxiety?

[roofusdoofus]

I ended my relationship in October (>12 months together) and felt relieved. I didn’t cry, I wasn’t upset, I genuinely felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. The relationship was awful from start to finish, but I was very vulnerable and going through my own suffering (miscarriage and heartbreak) that instead of allowing myself to heal, I jumped into a relationship with someone worse off (an addict and lowlife). I can honestly say that I never loved him and most of what should be good memories of this year are terribly bad because of him.

I finally found confidence and seen sense. I asked for space and we went completely no contact for over several weeks, I felt like myself again and I felt free. I decided to go out with friends and bumped into his cousins. They very rudely and abruptly interrupted me at the bar while I was talking to a male colleague asking very bluntly were we together (no hello or how are you). I felt embarrassed in front of my male colleague. I decided to message him and mention what had happened, it felt odd and I didn’t want it to happen again, and he said he might not have mentioned anything about us to them (being over) so their reaction did make sense.

Something I hope to leave behind in 2023 is being a people pleaser. I maintained civil conversation with him, he wished me a Happy Christmas, mentioned he bought me a gift (that I told him to return), and I decided to stop replying (he kept telling me he loved me), he followed up by asking was I alive and then wished me a Happy New Year. I feel suffocated and the idea of ever seeing this man again makes me physically sick but I also feel unreasonable in the sense that I brought this on myself by messaging him after encountering his cousins.

I stayed in most of Christmas and went out only once in rural a village because the idea of bumping into his cousins again really had me on edge. My ex is too tight to pay for a night out so I know the chances of ever seeing him is slim but I’m just worried he might try come to my work or house one day for “an answer” as to why I’ve stopped replying. I don’t know what to do, I feel at a complete loss, but I really never ever want to speak to him again. The idea of replying makes me feel anxious.

Don't reply and leave any further messages from him unread. Things always seem worse in the early hours - when you wake up it'll be the first day of a whole new year so ignore/ block and move on. He'll get the message.

But have you actually broken up? You say you asked for "space" and went no contact, then you messaged him after the cousin incident. I get you don't want to talk to him again, but perhaps a firm but polite message saying something in the realm of "This time of no contact has made me realise this relationship isn't what I want. I wish you the best, but I think it's best if we go our separate ways. I would appreciate no further contact from you, no need to reply to this message." Then if you wish to, block his number and on any SM. But at least you've given him clarity, if you never actually did the "breaking up" other than in your head and then contacted him again it's not unreasonable for him to expect some answer or think you might still go back once you've had enough of "space". It's far better to rip the bandage off and send the break up message (short and sweet) rather then spend weeks of anxiety thinking if he will find a way to contact/confront you (again chances are he'll get the message with you blocking him even without the message, but it will stil occupy space in your mind and if at least you've done the breaking up text he has no excuse of "misunderstanding" if he keeps pestering/pursuing you)