Aibu to be disappointed with dh over new years

[happynewyearal]

So I was toasting new year and talking about all the amazing experiences we had had in 2023. So happy and grateful for our experiences. I asked dh if he had enjoyed anything. He said no it's been stressful that's it.
I listed many things that I'm grateful for involving the dc, my career, our family etc dh replied that I had said lots of swear words during my speech. I was a bit taken aback that I had shared such positive thoughts and that's all he took from it. I had shared very personal experiences including the adoption of one of our dc being finalised and me getting my dream job and it's hurt me that all he can say is it's been stressful and I swore when saying my speech.
It just feels like a kick in the teeth and cemented me that I am the one who keeps the family together and positive and that he has nothing good to say about our year together. He is just a dark cloud in the corner of our lives. He's a true mayter. He claims he does everything in his life for us yet I feel like I'm always compensating for his bad mood with our dc. I'm the one who organises all social and enjoyable events and I'm the one who plays with the dc. He just sills around doing chores but never actually contributes anything. I still do 99 percent of house stuff and life with the dc and I love it.
It feels like he is here out of duty only. I have given him opportunity to leave but he claims to want to stay yet appears to hate family life. He does everything begrudgingly.
He can't even think of anything positive from the whole of 2023 and only replied to bring me down for swearing.
I spent the evening messaging friends without realising because I get more feedback from Mr sour in the corner.
I was joking about earlier and looked at him and saw him frowning and so stopped. He's always like this.
I said I was hungry earlier and first thing he says was well you were tucking in to the god earlier. I'm a size 6 ffs. It's like every interaction is negative and I can't live a simple life without having this dark cloud over us.

Show him your post

Or

Make plans to leave, it won't get better.... can you imagine him in his twilight years!?

Doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you or tbh even likes you. sorry OP
Stop giving him choices why don’t you just decide for him . That you don’t want him there?

Honestly I can't imagine 2024 still living with mr doom and gloom.
It's strange to me that I have literally sat him down and said that if he is so unhappy with family life he can leave Scot free and yet he stays ! Why !! He's been depressed since our youngest came along.
I'm naturally positive but I do have down days like everyone. His down days seem to take up 99% of his life. He's only happy when he's free and unburdened so why does he stay?
It's hurt me so much that he cannot share a positive thing to toast new years. Not one.
If it wasn't for me he'd have no friends, no social interaction, no life other than work and being depressed. It's draining

So what's the plan?

I have told him to please leave me alone tonight so I can enjoy my evening and can have time to think.

I have asked for divorce over this twice but he begs for me back and says I'm his life and he panics about me leaving. It's so confusing. If he's so unhappy why does he beg to stay

@happynewyearal how many children do you have? how many are adopted? was he having problems before the last adoption?

My guess is because he can’t be arsed with all the upheaval. It would involve some effort on his part.

Without being too outing we have finalised adoption of one dc. We have a younger dc. We also have another dc who is staying with us from time to time but may eventually be here permanently.

@2jacqi I don't feel anything was forced on him in terms of adoption or anything such as looking after dc. He went in eyes open. He knew this was what he was taking on. Current looked after dc is family to adopted dc. He loves all our dc and worries about them. But I can manage on my own and he knows I'm independent and happy. I was severely neglected as a dc myself and I'm still picking up the pieces of family dysfunction, hence ending up as the old last who lived in a shoe.
I'm happy and giving is my joy.
He claims we are his life and soul yet appears so miserable.

@PussInBin20 you're probably right. He would be happy stagnant in life. Everything that has moved us forward is on the back of me. I can't think of a single decision he has made about our life. Anything that takes effort is too much for him. He would probably sleepwalk into a 50 year anniversary

OP you said a couple of times that he's "depressed". If he is depressed (and it's true depression) than he cannot help the doom and gloom, he probably honestly cannot see something positive, he's not doing it do hurt you. Have you seen the strip "Living with a black dog?". It perfectly describes what living with depression is like.

Now I completely appreciate and understand that living with somebody who suffers from depression/anxiety is far from easy, especially if they are unwilling to do something about it (as someone who suffers from both I know I've at times put my partner through hell in my worst days/weeks). It's draining and difficult and at some point no matter how much you love someone you will lose patience with them. Have you had a discussion about this, not in a "if you are unhappy just leave" type of way but in a "I genuinely think you might be suffering from anxiety/depression whatever and I worry about you as I don't think you are enjoying life and haven't been for some time. Do you agree with this and if you do would you be willing to talk to the GP or find a therapist that might help you through it?". Only you can decide if you have reached your end point, but if you love your husband and you never tried therapy/medication as an avenue it might be something to explore (I fully appreciate he has to be agree to this). If you feel he wouldn't agree to personal therapy how about you suggest you want to go to couples/family therapy (make it a condition for staying and working at your relationship, it sounds like he really doesn't want a divorce or lose you, so that might be your trump card). Perhaps starting to talk in a group/couple setting first and getting a therapist view he might be more open to consider private therapy/seeking treatment afterwards/alongside your mutual one.

Edited to add the videos re black dog:

Thank you @zusje I have had the conversation before about depression and anxiety. Many times. He has refused to see a gp as as far as he's concerned everything is fine.
He's happily asleep now while I'm sat up annoyed which is another blow

I'm guessing that he wants someone to feed him and do his laundry.

That is really hard OP, I completely get how horrible it can be (I've tried multiple times to stop my meds in past as felt I was better and could do without them...I've now come to accept that like a diabetic will need insulin for the rest of their life so will I need antidepressants and there's no shame in that, but it has been a process). I also once left a very new relationship because he was depressed and wanted to go back to "just being friends" as he couldn't cope with a relationship, but refused to seek help claiming he had tried everything in past and didn't work. I appreciated how hard it was for him but it started affecting my mental health badly and so I had to choose for me. I think if you're truly contemplating leaving him (and he really doesn't want that) I'd try and say he either goes to couples therapy (or family therapy if kids are old enough and affected) or you will be leaving. Like I said it might just be the start of him realising what's at stake truly and also hopefully will benefit him in the long run. If he doesn't agree to that and it's affecting you so much (and more importantly affecting the kids) then sometimes you have to choose yourself, as difficult as it is. Sending you lots of love and a hug!

I don't mean to be unfeeling but how on Earth did he get cleared for adoption in the first place? Echo PPs - he's an energy / fun sucker and you would really be better without him. Best of luck for the future x

My thoughts exactly. It's too much effort for him to leave, too easy to stay

OP your background has given you a resilience that is special , and was earnt through tough experiences. You sound as though you can see light in the darkest of days and truly appreciate simple wins for the significance that they hold. Your DH may not have same level of resilience and ability to recognise the small but significant wins..
Marriage is both a joy and a slog. Your DH is depressed but likely won’t always be. Do you want to /can you ride the waves of his depression or would you rather be without him, would the children be happier/better off if you were apart. Would he stick by you if you entered the black hole of depression, do you want to stick by him, will he pull you down too? YANBU to be seriously considering your options.

He won't decide to leave because he's too lazy to make the effort that that entails. The only way out of this is to end it, stay firm and don't fall for the begging, then get him out.

Why are you allowing him and his reasons to be more important than your reasons for a divorce?

You too sound unhappy in your marriage and worn out by an energy vampire. Allow 2024 to be the year you and your DC to be free and happy by you making a sticking to the decision to split

I would have asked if he had forgotten to take his fucking Prozac. However, I went through a time when I was him. Everything hit me all at once. Moved from overseas, death of parents, legal battle, moved again due to sudden unemployment - to a city with very bad memories. I couldn’t move. Was basically a zombie. Turned out it was also menopause. (Chicken and egg situation…) I have become a closer version to myself since HRT and antidepressants. Perhaps he needs his hormones checked.

Thank you all.
Serious conversations will be taking place today

Fingers crossed 🤞 for serious conversations. I can't believe PPs asking you to enable his shite behaviour. Best of luck for 2024.