After many years with my ex I find myself single for the past 2-3 years and starting to date again.
There are plenty of guys who are pleasant enough to talk to but they're so different from my ex on paper, and I find myself being judgemental and making assumptions about how they're going to behave without even giving them a chance.
My ex had a very professional job, excellent manners, very respectful and rarely swore around me or made inappropriate jokes. He was gregarious, good company and at the same time not a big drinker. He wasn't particularly emotionally intelligent but he was very loving. I suppose in some ways he was a traditional breadwinner type and I appreciate that's not for everyone and some people might think he sounds a bit stuffy, so I'm not saying he was perfect by any means, I'm just saying he was what I was used to.
Most of the men I meet now are obviously different and I find myself instantly judging them in the most ridiculous and unfair ways. For example if they're a creative I presume they'll have no stable income. If they're flirtatious I assume they just want sex not a relationship. If they talk about their emotions I imagine they're going to be high-maintenance. If their stories involve partying and drinking I tell myself they're a raging alcoholic. If they want to go dutch on a date I tell myself they must not like me enough, simply because my ex used to insist on paying for most things.
Sometimes it feels like I want to make them graft to prove they have sincere intentions and something inside me refuses to relax or allow my fun side to come out until they've passed some kind of test (that even I don't know the criteria for!) I know how arrogant this is. At the end of the day they don't know me yet either, so why do I expect them to contort themselves into all sorts of shapes to impress me?
I know I'm disadvantaging myself from meeting anyone. The latest guy I've been talking to is an artist from London. He seems lovely. He's a bit cheekier and more playful than I'm used to but nothing outrageous. I want to relax and meet up with him with an open mind, but already I'm telling myself he just wants sex and wondering if there'll be tension over income/lifestyle discrepancies etc.
It's dangerous to have these judgemental ideas in my head isn't it? Did anyone here ever find themselves meeting the total opposite to their ex and it leading to a successful relationship? And how did you put aside your preconceptions? Or do I need to accept I now have a "type" and only date people who fit this narrow interpretation?