OP please read this
I have horrendous health OCD and anxiety. I’ve had therapy all year been on multiple medications and I’m currently pregnant and it’s great because everything that I feel I put down to a pregnancy symptom. I’m actually classed as in recovery by my therapist. I’m scared to have my baby incase it gets bad again.
So this time last year I couldn’t leave the house except for work (which I would also miss sometimes) because I couldn’t hear the word “stroke.” Someone would say the word stroke like “stroke the dog” and I would start having stroke symptoms. I would smell burning all the time and it would be set off by the toaster, people smoking near me or outside my window and it would send me into a terrified spiral I would be cowered in a ball unable to do anything and begging someone to call an ambulance.
Prior to this I had the same issues with my heart. This went on since I was 16 until 28. I had so many ECGs in a&e or by the dr. I had an ultrasound of my heart. They told me I had mild PVCs which terrified me, I KNEW they were missing something. I could be triggered by anything even things I didn’t notice (watching something intense on TV - heart rate raises.) you could see my heart pounding through my chest.
I’ve had a plethora of other issues from MS to really rare diseases and what I see now, wasted a lot of NHS time and resources (CT scans, MRI, blood test, consultant appointments).
But I have reasons as to why it got so bad. I was medically dismissed with women’s health issues and drs found nothing until a routine smear (I’d asked for a smear for years but wasn’t allowed until 25) I had CIN 3 which had to be removed under GA they they found a polyp I needed removing and I had lots of cysts on my ovaries. (I’m so lucky to be pregnant now!) I also had a medical scare which was legit and put me in hospital abroad which scared the crap out of me. I also love my mum but I feel her input sometimes can be unhelpful as she is also worried because of my symptoms which have previously ended up being serious problems.
2 things helped me.
- Medication/therapy. I was on sertraline for years and also tried other medications but if you want my honest opinion only one thing helped during those panic induced “I need to go to a&e” moments and that was diazepam (2mg so a tiny amount.) I was given this in a&e by a dr who finally listened to me and could see I was so scared after going in for heart problems. It’s not right for everyone but I only take it WHEN I NEED IT. It’s super addictive and can become less potent the more you take it. She recommended it twice a day for a few weeks but I was far too scared to take that much incase it harmed me . After 45 mins I don’t give a crap if I have a heart problem lol I just want to chill and have a good evening.
- Sitting with uncertainty. I was feeding the beast by going into a&e. It’s what my compulsive behaviours were egging me to do. Starving the beast was the only thing which helped the compulsions naturally stop. Calling people I knew would feed the beast also didn’t help. Have someone (maybe husband) who is reasonable and will stay with you and tell you that they will look after you and if you need immediate attention they will know and be there to call an ambulance, I can promise they will never feel worried enough to do so.
My symptoms during these periods were much more believable and prominent than actual issues I had and I was never panicked by actual health issues. I never thought I could have a baby, mainly because my previous issues but also because I didn’t think I would cope, especially with the appointments and all the medical chat, but here I am!
Sorry how long this is, I hope this helps. Try and sit with your uncertainties and see how you feel tomorrow x