Mum burying head in the sand/Emotionally absent mother

[cassy10]

I have an strange relationship with my mum as she left my dad when I was 10 to start a new life with someone she was having an affair with. She went on to have thee kids with him. They have since broken up (they broke up around the oldest being 5).

So I was brought up by my Dad. I saw her once or twice a week. As the oldest sibling, I was also her 'right hand man' for helping her bring up my half siblings. She developed a drink problem which exists to this day.

In my teens, I started self harming. She knew about it but said nothing. I would bunk off school and drink etc but she never disciplined me. My dad was left to deal with all that.

I moved out with a bf at 18 and sorted my life out, went to uni and got a job, I'm now married and on the housing ladder. I'm late 30's.

Last month, I received a serious health diagnosis and told her and my half siblings about it. Half siblings have been very supportive. My mum, on the other hand, has not said a word and one of my half sibs has said that she 'would rather not know what it is' but is 'very worried'. She doesn't want to talk to anyone about it or learn about what it means. Any conversation the half siblings starts she just shuts down apparently. I feel very hurt.

AIBU to have a little bit of hope that she might have unburied her head from the sand and finally realised she needs to (wo)man up and that something serious is happening? Isn't that what being a mum is about?

Writing this all down has made me realise that AIBU as she has always been this way. I guess I always though that if something really bad was to happen, then she would be there for me.

I guess she is just emotionally absent. Like she has always been. It's so hard with EA parents, especially mums. I would love her to have offered me a lift to the hospital or even some words of support or encouragement. She just buries her head in the sand for anything awkward or bad.

If anyone has any ideas of resources or support for me, that would be good.

Unfortunately some people cannot deal with emotions and other people’s problems. Sadly you need to look to and lean on the people who can do this. Maybe try not to focus on her right now and look after yourself.

There will be support groups for people with unavailable parents but I’m wondering if that’s maybe something you’d do better to think about at a future date. You are the priority now.

Best wishes for your health.

It would be nice for her to be supportive, but if that's not who she is, then don't waste your energy worrying about it.

By the sound of it you do have supportive family, so lean on them when you need to, and leave your mum to her own devices.

Excellent advice.

Focus on your own issues, find the people around you who can offer you support.

Your mother is not a person who can take responsibility. She is not a person you can lean on for support. We have an inbuilt idea of what a good mother should be and most mothers do a good enough job at that but your mother falls well below that bar. She doesn’t have it in her and that likely won’t change. Start to see her as she is not how you would like her to be and behave accordingly.