To feel annoyed that I’m not really factored into the plan?

[Getmeoutofheere]

We near the sea where there are New Year’s Day dips where lots of people run in the sea )- like 100s of people at a time.. Sometimes people donate to charity sometimes not. For years we’ve been saying we should / would do it then for one reason (excuse) or another it hasn’t happened.

A week or so ago husband and friend (we have a little group chat the four of us- we were all at work so separate - husband his friend and his partner) are discussing doing the New Year’s Day dip. And the four of us agreed to do it- children and all.

Roll on to yesterday turns out this idea has come from a sports team but many of them can’t do New Year’s Day and so it turns out the new plan is to do it New Year’s Eve, 12 or so men, most of whom me and friends partner don’t know. Husband doesn’t know if others are bringing partners/ family etc.

i think this is a different ball game. I don’t want to tag along to 12 men doing a dip and no one else- but think it’s a bit different if the 12 men are part of the big thing on New Year’s Day. I’m just a bit disappointed that husband hasn’t really factored me and kids into this. It’s turned into an out of proportion argument (blame the wine, the being with each other for the last week, this not being the first time something like this has happened, me bein g a bit loopy). He uses lines like “I’m not entertaining this” “I’m not even talking about this” but effectively he’s ditched me.

Anyway am I being silly or would this upset you too? Btw I know this is an absolute nothing problem And we have come to a resolution but it’s a shame it has to be an argument to get to that point .

so aibu thanks

Am I right in thinking your partner agreed to an event with 12 other men on a day that is different to the main event you were planning to take part in? So how should he have "factored you in" besides asking you whether you want to join them?
You can say, no thank you and sit it out. You can do it with the big crowd on the NYD. I fail to see a problem that warrants a big argument.

Honestly there is nothing stopping you and the kids doing it with all the other people on New Year's Day. Seems a bit drama lama if you to be honest .

O ok thanks. Well in the first instance I thought it was the four of us as friends, going to a big dip with hundreds of people. Rather than a dip involving 12 men only. I see that as a slightly different plan.

Failing to see the issue here - your husband can go on NYE with these men and you can all go as a family on NYD?
There is no quota limitation on having a dip in the sea. He can go both times.
Although I would suggest you think very carefully about taking children in the cold sea and I say this as someone who is also swimming outside on New Years Day.
www.outdoorswimmingsociety.com/risks-cold-water/

This. The only really annoying thing for me would be the expectation that I would plunge into an icy cold sea.

O ok thanks. Next time he can do his thing and I’ll do my thing. Good to know it’s me being unreasonable :)

You and the kids do it with the big crowd?

So he does it one day and you, the kids and friend’s partner do it another day? How does she feel about it?

I can’t see the issue personally- means there is someone staying dry to hold the towels and take the photos.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! You made a nice plan all together now it's changed unilaterally into something less nice, I wouldn't want to manage two kids on my own in an icy sea plunge.

No idea why you're expected to just be unbothered about DH swanning off for a better offer and leaving you out.

He can do his thing on NYE. And you can all still do the event on NYD together (assuming you still want him there).
It's not like these two events conflict with each other - they are on separate days.

Make sure you have clothes to get into after that are warm and easy to put in - no buttons or fiddly zips for cold hands. Get changed ASAP when you get out - your body temperature continues to drop for around 20min after you exit the water and it's really vital to get dry and layers on rapidly as you cool down even faster when wet. Thermal underwear, jogging bottoms, etc. take a thermos of something hot and a hot water bottle especially if you take kids and need to warm them

I can see why you are annoyed. You all four agreed to a day time family friendly activity that you all thought sounded fun.
Then without considering you, your DH changed it to an evening lads group activity that is less family friendly and doesn’t usually involve partners ‘but you can tag along so that’s fine!’ that sounds far less fun for you but the same amount or more fun for DH. He knows that you wouldn’t have been keen on it had that option been the initial suggestion and is annoyed at being pulled up on it.

God they sound so arrogant and full of themselves. I know it's not the point but imagine not being able to make the charity event and so instead of "dipping out" they decide to all run into the sea just the 12 of them the day before. Utter pricks 🤣

I'm embarrassed for them.

I hope they're all used to it as well because if it's the new years dip in my town I'll be absolutely fucked off if DH gets called out to them struggling tonight (RNLI). There's a very good reason they put the lifeboats in every year before this event.

I mean in the end we’re doing it tomorrow with some of the football people, the original friend group. But I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t have made a fuss he would’ve just disappeared off with not a second thought.

And in the midst he said stuff like “and this is why I don’t think our relationship is meant to last” and “you’re blowing this out of proportion” and “ I don’t need to listen to you/ this”.

But yeah it’s me that blown it out of proportion.

To be fair, if he said all this then you have bigger problems than a dip in the sea.

Is the issue that today was supposed to be a family day and he's made other plans without speaking to you about them, assuming you're inbuilt childcare just willing to sit at home whilst he does whatever he likes?

If you had said that you were off out today with a group of your girlfriends and he was allowed to tag along and bring the kids (& look after them) as well, would he have been ok with that?

It sounds like you're all doing the family thing tomorrow anyway, but it also sounds like your relationship isn't going very well on the communication front.

Yeah this isn’t just about the dip in the sea is it? 😜

Without seeing and hearing the exact conversation it is going to be difficult to see who is being unreasonable here. Could easily be crossed wires and an overreaction on your part as much as him just going off and ignoring what you want.

Sounds like you both need to massively improve your communication or I fear your husband's predictions will prove correct.

In fairness, he was correct when he said you were blowing it out of proportion. Perhaps you do that a lot and he's fed up?

Whoever is wrong this marriage has developed some enormous cracks. Try to get some help. The contempt you are both showing each other over a trivial matter is a major sign of marital breakdown. Either decide to work on the marriage or dump him and move on.