To file for divorce now when DS16 will be doing GCSEs this summer?

19Bears · 2023-12-31T10:30:51+00:00

There's never a good time for this, but am I choosing the worst possible time filing now? The atmosphere at home is awful anyway, and I don't know whether it's worse to prolong the agony til exams are over, or if going for it now is worse? Go for it, or wait? Wwyd? 😔

Yesididntdothat · 31/12/2023 10:32

Bad atmosphere, or dangerous/abusive? As if the latter, I don't think you can wait. But would a divorce right now affect the exams? I would imagine it will, yes.

Deathbyfluffy · 31/12/2023 10:32

It depends why I guess - if you’re just doing it because the marriage is dead, I’d wait.
If you’re in danger from abuse etc then do it now.

At the end of the day if you’re not in danger then waiting a few more months isn’t the end of the world IMO

WhatALotOfAFussAboutNothing · 31/12/2023 10:32

Go for it. If there’s tension at home anyway that will affect him and his exams just as much (if not more).

Yesididntdothat · 31/12/2023 10:33

I really don't believe tension at home between parents is very high on a teen's agenda compared to a parent leaving/split weekends etc.

Glockwein · 31/12/2023 11:09

How your child is academically makes a difference. If they are scraping to get the grades to do what they want at sixth form then GCSE grades are critical. However for high fliers who are a shoo-in for A Level courses, A Level grades are much more important for uni than whether they get mainly 7s, 8s or 9s at GCSE. Putting off the inevitable until they are in 6th form might not do any favours in the long run.

We found things didn't ease off much after GCSEs. Moving to college, pressure to make new friends, regretting A level choices etc have been really intense, and as soon as that settles I think we'll be into uni visits, driving lessons, uni application & extra exams for that, EPQ. There's been a lot of change, a lot of social and emotional demands. For us it's kept being intense long past GCSE exams. I am sure others are not so overwhelmed by it though, especially where students can stay at their school for A Levels.

Dotcheck · 31/12/2023 11:13

Yes you are being unreasonable.
What would the arrangements be? Would she have to move?

LlynTegid · 31/12/2023 11:15

It does depend on what has led to this, and also whether moving house will happen.

LuluBlakey1 · 31/12/2023 11:20

I've taught teenagers whose parents split up in Y11 who were devastated and their grades were significantly affected. I've taught a number who have been upset but got on with it, and a few who have seemed relieved by it.

Depends on how it is handled by family as a whole and particularly by both parents, how much DC's lives change, how secure they feel, how they see their parents coping, how emotionally resilient they are, how much if a shock it is, how much their daily lives will change. The pressure of GCSEs is significant- don't underestimate it. Boys often don't show it as obviously but do feel it and internalise the panic/fear they are having.

If you are jogging along at home with none if the upset really evident to or upsetting DS, I'd say wait until the summer. If he's living with screaming daily rows and nasty behaviour that he sees, I'd say split.

Beezknees · 31/12/2023 11:23

Sorry to hear this. Honestly I'd wait if it's at all possible. I have a DS in GCSE year and it's a stressful enough time.

Avacardo2023 · 31/12/2023 11:33

I'd wait until the summer if possible. You would never forgive yourself if he did badly in his exams because of the upset. Doesn't he also have mocks in January? It's a busy six months for them.

PicaK · 31/12/2023 11:39

It took my kids 18 months to get back to the same equilibrium they had before we divorced.
I would put them first for next 6 months and not do this now.

Cocoadaisy · 31/12/2023 12:09

@19Bears Thanks for starting this thread, I've found the replies very useful!

I'm in the same dilemma, with my ds currently in year 11 and gcses in the summer. I have been pushing for a separation/divorce for a couple of months but DH keeps dragging his feet as he doesn't want to, but has reluctantly said he will be prepared to move out after ds's exams. The atmosphere at home is ok, a bit tense sometimes but no arguments. However I basically feel very anxious and stressed around my DH, and like I can't move on psychologically or practically.

I am planning to book some divorce mediation sessions in January, where I'm hoping DH will have to agree to a timescale, and I think we will aim for separating after ds's exams. I feel so desperate for DH to move out asap and have been dreaming of him moving out in January, but I think for the sake of my ds I need to somehow get through the next few months and manage my anxiety about us still living together.

It is a horrible situation though, I totally empathise!

Original poster

19Bears · 31/12/2023 15:01

In terms of what is going on in the house, DH has gone mad about me and the kids going on a trip away for a few days, not that we're going, but that when he asked me why I hadn't invited him, I was honest with him and said I didn't want him to be there. He knows he did something (well more than a few things) that I felt unforgivable several months ago and that we are done as a couple, yet he seems to think I still want to participate in the happy family parade. So he called me names, said I was mean and selfish etc, and that I should be grateful he doesn't react physically to my meanness. Later that night when I went to bed, he came up and snatched the pillow from under my head and told me to sleep downstairs and get used to it as that's where I sleep from now on. Does this count as abuse? Is it time to tell him to get out? Or rumble along as we have done for years and then do it after exams. God knows. But that's a short summary of how things are now. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 31/12/2023 15:05

19Bears · 31/12/2023 15:01

In terms of what is going on in the house, DH has gone mad about me and the kids going on a trip away for a few days, not that we're going, but that when he asked me why I hadn't invited him, I was honest with him and said I didn't want him to be there. He knows he did something (well more than a few things) that I felt unforgivable several months ago and that we are done as a couple, yet he seems to think I still want to participate in the happy family parade. So he called me names, said I was mean and selfish etc, and that I should be grateful he doesn't react physically to my meanness. Later that night when I went to bed, he came up and snatched the pillow from under my head and told me to sleep downstairs and get used to it as that's where I sleep from now on. Does this count as abuse? Is it time to tell him to get out? Or rumble along as we have done for years and then do it after exams. God knows. But that's a short summary of how things are now. Thanks everyone.

Based on what you've just said, I think you need to put clear distance between you so yes, I think you'd be justified in splitting as soon as possible.

GabriellaMontez · 31/12/2023 15:19

Yanbu.

See a lawyer. Make a plan. Don't wait. Not letting you sleep in the bed is abuse. It's not just a bit of an atmosphere.

LuluBlakey1 · 31/12/2023 17:31

19Bears · 31/12/2023 15:01

In terms of what is going on in the house, DH has gone mad about me and the kids going on a trip away for a few days, not that we're going, but that when he asked me why I hadn't invited him, I was honest with him and said I didn't want him to be there. He knows he did something (well more than a few things) that I felt unforgivable several months ago and that we are done as a couple, yet he seems to think I still want to participate in the happy family parade. So he called me names, said I was mean and selfish etc, and that I should be grateful he doesn't react physically to my meanness. Later that night when I went to bed, he came up and snatched the pillow from under my head and told me to sleep downstairs and get used to it as that's where I sleep from now on. Does this count as abuse? Is it time to tell him to get out? Or rumble along as we have done for years and then do it after exams. God knows. But that's a short summary of how things are now. Thanks everyone.

But that is all about you and your DH when you are both upset. You need to think about what it's like for your DS: Does he see the bust-ups or do you keep them away from the DC? Are you civil and kind to each other infront of them? How close is he to his dad? How upset would DS be? Is he expecting it? Would he have to move house? What would that mean for him in terms of distance and travel from school and friends? Where would his dad be? How easily would he see him? What would change between DC and DH? How would money be different? Do the DC already know things are bad and you are separating? Can you both prepare them gradually?

Perhaps you and DH could agree some behaviours routines to keep in place until the end of DS's exams to maintain some normality- so you both know what is going to happen and how you'll both behave at home eg no bad mouthing each other to the children, huffing at each other, rowing while they are there, still going on normal family outcomes but not holidays, still eating as a family and watching tv together, sharing house stuff. Not sleeping in the same bed. No dates to be brought home, mentioned or obvious. You both agree to mediation. Just so you both know what you each expect in this difficult time. It sounds a hard way to live.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 31/12/2023 17:54

I think his behaviour is abusive, and living with abuse in the home can be just as difficult for teens- I think they pick up on it, even when the parents think they aren't.

The thing is, as well, there's not going to be a good time educationally for at least a few years. OP, it's really admirable you want to protect your son from the fallout, but I think you also need to protect yourself!

tothelefttotheleft · 31/12/2023 18:09

Divorces take ages especially because of the Covid backlog. Not a lot will happen in 6 months. I'd put the wheels in motion.