'Twas the ShitShow before Christmas - WWYD - trainee child therapist wannabe stepmum

[worriedrn]

I have a DS (13) and have been separated from his dad for over 12 years.

Ex introduced a girlfriend to DS in October and announced they will be getting wed next July. She is a widow with 3 children, 2 older, in their 20s, 1 DS (let's call him Sam) who is doing his GCSEs this year. Sam's dad died when he was 11 just before lockdown.

The first time our DS met her she gave him a t-shirt on with 'I'm the favourite child". She is a trainee child counsellor. She was very OTT ingratiating with DS which gave him bad vibes and my advice to him was she is probably anxious to make a good impression and she will chill out in time.

Ex was due to see DS for a full week before Christmas but reduced it to 48 hours the day before which I was puzzled at.

Xmas Eve my DS pours his heart out after coming home from his visit to his dad's.

The new Stepmum to be had disinvited him from her family christmas party over a row she had with his dad hence the shorter visit.

It transpired that on a visit to her house our DS (13) and her DS - Sam- (16) had a conversation where my DS felt hers was being anti-black in the way he was talking about knife crime. My DS asked Sam if he had a favourite race.

It was a very facetious question, based on the fact that my DS had bristled at the sense that this lad had an unfavourite race.

Sam had then reported to his mum that my DS is racist.

The stepmum to be then reported Sam's version of events to his dad as gospel expecting my DS to be disciplined.

My DS got hauled over the coals by his dad. My DS explained the older sister of the lad and her boyfriend who were both in the same conversation had laughed at his question and got that it was a bit of a sarcastic joke.

Stepmum spoke to her daughter and despite her backing my DS, stepmum fuelled the row further by saying our DS needs to understand he can't make jokes like that to her son because he is autistic. When my DS's dad defended him she said my DS was no longer invited to her christmas party because he was too immature. She then sent insulting texts and split up with DS's dad.

Now it is all back on because she apologised saying her meltdown was due to not having her ADHD medication and can't control her impulsive behaviour without it. Now I know this, it has started to dawn on me why my ex was getting married next year to someone he had known for 4 months.

My DS is now very wary of her. He didn't want to go to his dad's after Christmas because he was told the stepmum wanted to have a 121 with him about what had happened before christmas. I sent a text to his Dad to ask for no "X family drama for DS's birthday please". She was there for my DS's birthday but he avoided being alone with her. My DS has said she likes to talk to people as if she's a psychiatrist to try and diagnose them.

So more WWYD than AIBU - I feel like autism and ADHD are being used as both a sword and a shield by this woman and I don't know how I approach this and keep my DS's relationship with his dad.

(Background context so this doesn't come out downthread: My ex is undiagnosed as autistic, a very clever and sometimes kind man, who struggles with understanding people.

Over the years since we split it sounds like he has come to embrace his autism but has never sought an actual diagnosis.

Our DS has autistic tendencies (stimming, obsessions, loud noises, certain fabrics) but to a much much lesser degree than his dad (socially our DS does well at school) and my approach to this has been to focus with him on understanding himself, calling it autistic tendencies or traits rather than one big label and not to go down a formal diagnosis route (we were told it would only result in giving him more time during exams and he finishes too quickly already). We also watched the secret life of 4-5 and 6-7 year olds a lot when he was little and talked about how people react to what they feel and you can't see feelings but you can work out what they are, yours and other people's and it's a secret language for everyone to a greater/lesser degree however intuitive or empathic you are). PLUS I am in remission from cancer that killed my mum and sister in past 3 years. I am starting to lose it at the thought that DS will be trapped with this woman as a replacement for me. She is moving in with ex soon but after the row she is leaving Sam to stay at her old house with the 2 grown up children and dogs to look after him - I feel pretty sorry for Sam in all this too)

Damn - I forgot to put the stepmum also says she is autistic but i think there is no formal diagnosis - I have a sense they met on a neurodivergent dating website online so this is a big part of them getting together

I'm autistic as well, to start with. It sounds like everyone on the story is as well!

Ignore the autism. Your DS made a sarcastic comment that was taken the wrong way, your ex and his partner fell out over whose precious baby was right/wrong, and partner seems a bit OTT in general. Just go along with the less crazy behaviour for now and wait for your ex to realise she is not behaving reasonably.

Ouch! I agree with giving it time and distance- I understand that’s not necessarily where you’ve been headed though because of your health.

Could you have a heart to heart with the ex and say you are worried about his fiancé‘s volatility given your DS’s vulnerability? That Sam and your son still both need to be the focus of their parents’ lives rather than new partners being involved?

You know him, and how receptive he’d be to waiting a bit longer before jumping in with both feet. Perhaps point out that with ND on all sides it’s even more important to take time to work things out, that impulsivity is a symptom that may need reining in?

Is the step the trainee therapist? Sounds like its going to her head a bit..bit of an im always right, i got a qualification to prove it.

Your DH is going to need to wise up and not be played. Get him to brush up a bit on terminology to hold his own, starting to look like your DS will be the scapegoat, so no adult will have to look at their own shortcomings.

If he doesnt want to go, i cant blame him. Hopefully you can get your DH to understand how is he feeling and come to a solution together. But if in 4 months they have already broken up and arguing i dont particularly see it lasting, shes full on so early on.

Fantastic advice from pickled and puzzled. You sound like a brilliant parent who will be able to help your son make sense of things while his father is going through the issues of a volatile and new relationship

I think if everyone has autistic traits/ADHD you can only help your son find some strategies. I think encourage him to just repeat. “I am sorry there has been a misunderstanding”. And some other stock phrases.

Good luck with your recovery.

Support your son. Listen. Don’t really think about the others. You aren’t there to know exactly what is going on. Imo.

Your son needs to be able to manage the dynamic in a non confrontational way so that things can be as calm as possible. Really he did the best he could. He got someone else who was there and had understood to explain. If the fiancee didn’t listen there is not much that can be done. He is avoiding her so he has understood he needs to be cautious.

Ex won't speak to me - I have to do all the communicating and try and keep DS out of it when I can. I asked if I could meet with her before all this happened - because EX had stipulated that if I ever met someone he would need to be introduced to new man before DS met him and I thought if they were getting married he and she must have been together a while already. I had no idea they only jus tknew each other really. I don't know if it is EX's autism or not but one of the things that led me to fall out of love with him was his insistence on 'fairness' which always benefited him. When I had just given birth EX was a nightmare. His approach now is to successively tell me with 1 hour's notice he is bringing the woman to my house to meet me when he drops DS off. I've been out (it's been christmas ffs) so far but I do want to meet her. Now I've heard all this though I just don't know how /what I will manage to say to her and I would have to ask DS and EX to leave us to speak for me to be honest and frank with her.

I think ExH needs to have some time with DS on their own . He will be his parent if - heaven forbid - anything happens to you . You maybe need to share that concern with exH after the devastating losses you have had . Maybe he hasn't picked up on that since he has autistic traits himself ? Then Maybe the two boys can gradually spend some time together ? I would definitely keep her well on the backburner . It is Ex H who will have to step up .

My EX has been dreadful about the cancer. Is why I put he is sometimeskind. Referring to the fairness above - you know, pick ups and drop offs while undergoing chemo - I still have to pull my "weight" while ill for it to be "fair". He has even used words to DS look it will be good to have a spare mum in case anything happens to the first one he he he. I feel like I am being battered by people who are using labels to excuse all their own behaviour. EX calls anyone who isn't neurodivergent a normie and seems to revel in having this kind of sword/shield to hide behind.

Any sort of diagnosis aside isn't she just a bitch? And ex a bloody sap likely being ruled by his penis.. Your ds needs to fill his life with positive things in 2024.. Less time to be around those arseholes...

This.

It absolutely does not matter what anyone in this scenario has or hasn’t been diagnosed with. That is just muddying the waters. The fact is that your ex’s fiancée behaves like a twat and messes with your son’s head. Your son has done nothing wrong. The fact that this woman has ADHD is neither here nor there.

Sounds bloody awful!! I'm so sorry for your DS in all this but his father is not able to keep him emotionally protected at the moment and I really wouldn't want my DS staying there anymore at all. Why not change the plan to father picking son up for a movie or dinner but not taking him to his house or her house. If your ex has to curtail his parenting at the expense of his relationship with DS he may consider WTAF he's doing with this person. Don't enable her to cause further upset to DS.

Now that I've read this I think your ex sounds an utter knob. Unacceptable, feck them. Keep DS away what a bunch of shits.

She sounds like a total nutter, sorry. This is all way too intense.

As for the update about your ex and the cancer, he sounds like an insufferable prick.

Focus on staying healthy and supporting your son. It sounds like this all might fall apart soon anyway.

He's horrible!!

Jesus, whatever about diagnosed or undiagnosed conditions, this woman sounds like a bitch and to be honest, her son doesn't sound great either.

I have a DS the same age, if my ex's brand new partner disinvited my son to Xmas, and his dad didn't stand up for him, I would absolutely not be doing anything to facilitate the relationship anymore. I would be telling my DS that he doesn't have to visit then if he doesn't want to. He's old enough to make those decisions now.

And I'd be having a frank discussion with ex to tell him as much and point out that this flash in the pan relationship is already damaging his relationship with his child and will continue to do so if he doesn't buck up and protect his DS.

I wouldn't even bother meeting this woman, she's been around for 4 months, she could be gone just as quickly. And she doesn't sound like someone I would want to engage with, or encourage my DS to engage with either.

Your ex sounds like a useless, unkind sap and his partner sounds a horrid wretch.

Couldn’t the twat skip the party and honour his commitment to his child? Forget diagnosis- he’s just like any other shit, led by his dick. He should be doing his best to reassure his son he has another fully committed parent, especially given your illness.

As for the partner, he should be protecting his son from her. What a mess!

I pity the poor sods who come under her care in the future. Sounds like she needs some pretty intense therapy herself.

I don't have any specific advice but I'd make it clear to her that you will be the one to 'discipline' your son so her 121 is not necessary. The cheeky cow.

look it will be good to have a spare mum in case anything happens to the first one he he he

This is unforgivably fucking cruel. He's a child FFS.

I don't envy you, OP. I think you are correct that these people are absolutely using their ND as an excuse for their shit personalities. We are an ND family and none of the behaviour these people are exhibiting is relatable to me. My kids aren't racist. Their dad doesn't think with his dick and make jokes about traumatic situations. I manage not to fall out with children and have tantrums where I ban them from family events and tell everyone what an expert I am in everything. They are just appalling humans. ND is nothing to do with it.

I can understand that your position is different to most and that you feel it's especially important to preserve a relationship between your son and his father. Unfortunately you're not likely to change his dad's personality. But perhaps a sharp shock is in order. Would he meet you for a coffee? Or could you literally just knock on his door when he's alone and forcefully invite yourself in? He needs to hear some very clear truths about what his son needs from him and just how vulnerable that boy is, in many ways. Do you think he'd respond to that at all?

Do you have other family members who you could encourage closer bonds with? So that all your son's eggs aren't in this particular basket with his dad and he has other safe adults who can provide stability and nurturing?

All I can say is thank God your son has you and I'd be keeping him away from your shitshow ex and his clusterfuck of a set up.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I'd stop trying so hard to boost your ds relationship with his dad. Instead do 2 things:

First, help your ds become resilient to his dad's behaviour. Naming the problem is a non bitter way (& I don't mean the autism) so your ds is aware of his behaviour rather than feeling let down by it. Discuss ways in which he thinks he can deal with dad and crazy girlfriend. Allow him to be resourceful.

2nd you need to think who you have in yours and ds life that could become family in event of the worst happening.

It might not come to it but whichever way you look at it you dying is devastating for him. You can only dwell on that so much. Having a shit dad is not actually the end of the world. Having a good dad wouldn't mitigate the upset caused by your death. All you can do is to continue being the lovely mum you are now and letting him know how much he is loved. I assume you've already thought of the kind of keepsake boxes people leave behind, birthday cards and letters. It might not be needed but something physical to remember you by would be a way you can encourage him and comfort him after your death.

I am sorry. I hope you recover fully. 🙏

It's entirely possible to be 'autistic AND <insert horrible adjectives here>'. Unfortunately these people sound like they fit the bill. Neurodivergence doesn't automatically turn you into a dickhead.