DH birthday present

[user1469095927]

DH b.day is near to Christmas. For context I find him difficult to buy for; quite particular about certain colours, shops, styles of clothes and if I buy anything too expensive such as a new mobile phone he feels really guilty for spending that much money on him. As an example a few years back he wanted a new winter coat so I said he could choose and I would buy although we couldnt find anything he liked an as a result I didnt buy him anything. A couple of years lager he threw this back in my face saying I didnt value him etc.

Fast forward to this year I bought him some items from his list [we give ideas for presents] but needed something else so ended up going to the shops on Xmas Eve. Needed some last minute gifts for kids too so not just him. He said he needed new winter boots so I asked for ideas as I genuinely wouldnt know where to start for these, they could couldnt be delivered until after his birthday which he knew but so he had something to open I bought him something from his Xmas list. Today he said the item which I bought didnt fit properly. I knew there was something wrong all day however it was not until 11pm that he starts saying that he is an after thought, I dont put any thought into his presents and he always puts a lot of thought into mine (he does) and I should put more into his, this is not the first time this has happened etc.

For context we have a lot going on externally; work, poorly parents etc.

So AIBU - is he an after thought? happy to be told that I am!!

He's not an after thought, he's a self obsessed childish idiot.

Agree with you wholeheartedly!

If you are shopping for his present on Christmas Eve, does he not have a point?

id rather someone took the gift back & got a different size/colour than just kept it but didn't wear it/like it.

I am TERRIBLE at buying gifts. I have issues with my memory, so genuinely cannot remember the cut/colour/designs of things people like. The types of wine/books/treats they like. I hate clutter so I try not to buy clutter type stuff. (Ornaments, coffee table books, or silly stuff) I was going to ask one of my closet friends how she does it, but given the utterly weird presents she has given me, I think her strategy is just to buy something & not stress whether it's appropriate or not. I think I worry too much.

im not sure how your DH (& others) are so good at it?!?! Better memories, pay more attention to what people wear/eat/drink??

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

@user1469095927 but I do agree he's not helping the situation & is being rude & unfair!

He is being awkward. Making it difficult and bet it’s not the only thing he makes more difficult than it should be. I’ve been there in the past - him not saying what he wants til Xmas eve leaving me fannying about in the shops at last minute. And everything clothes-wise goes back. Also awkwardness over spending levels. PITA.

Next year have a gift, sized and ready, two weeks before his birthday - as a challenge.

If forgetting his birthday happens regularly then he is right.
(Forgetting is not having a gift, ready and fitted, on the day)

He might be an annoying swat for complaining but he seems right.

Op faults on both sides.
Why is he asking you to buy him boots at the last minute they are his feet?
Is he helping with the kids Christmas presents?

It's hard to come up with ideas for Christmas & Birthdays, shouldn't be allowed to have birthdays in December.

I can't say anything about the last minute shopping- i was shopping the day before for DH birthday.

I think next year you set a budget. Birthday we spent x, Christmas y.

Take it all back and give the ungrateful bastard nothing.

In future ask him to send you a link to exactly what he wants 2 weeks before birthday/Xmas.

But this isn't putting any thought into his present?

@user1469095927

His birthday is so close to Christmas that he's probably felt a bit like an afterthought for the majority of people in his life.

My birthday is also close to Christmas, I've had it all my life. Joint Christmas/Birthday presents, crappy 3 for 2 Christmas presents wrapped up as birthday presents and sometimes nothing at all because "it's just so close to Christmas."

His birthday is the same day each year, it doesn't matter that it's close to Christmas, you should be able to budget and plan for it. It sounds to me like he literally just wants you to show him you know and care about him.

That means not going out on Christmas eve and picking up his present last minute, not buying something that doesn't really fit properly and not putting any thought at all into his gift.

Picking off a list is fine, but can't you buy a few other bits that he hasn't asked for that shows him that you have actually planned and thought about him carefully? Money isn't the issue, it's the sentiment.

@user1469095927 To be clear, I'm not saying that you've done anything wrong - Just trying to offer perspective from someone that has had this exact conversation with my own partner, who used to go out the day before my birthday and pick up whatever was left in Boots/Superdrug and the like.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. @JingleSnowmanTree fair point, however I am sure he has bought presents on Christmas Eve in the past. I like to think that I am pretty good at choosing gifts for people, however he is so pernickety about things that it sometimes makes it difficult which is why when he said he wanted new shoes I asked him to show what he wanted to make sure it was the right ones.

@user1492757084 but I hadnt forgotten, and he did have something to open. Good idea though, I will buy him something super early next year 😀which is actually what I did last year.

@MadAboutThat I do sympathise with you having a birthday close to Christmas as two of our DC have birthdays in December before Xmas so it is a complete nightmare having all three in December. It makes everything seem rushed.

@Sugarfree23 he does help with the kids presents - he did a lot of the buying although none of the wrapping which I ended up doing on the Saturday and Sunday before Xmas.

I think the consensus is to buy his present in October and keep it hidden 😂

@user1469095927
two of our DC have birthdays in December before Xmas so it is a complete nightmare having all three in December. It makes everything seem rushed

You have my sympathy. I have half my family in the last two weeks of December Inc one on 24th. As I was running around picking up DHs birthday at the last minute, I was thinking similar it would be so much more enjoyable for them to be spread out a bit.

@Sugarfree23 totally agree - it would be much nicer for them to be spread out with birthdays in the middle of the year. It seemed easier when they were younger but now they are older with more specific ideas of what they want. It makes Christmas buying more difficult.

@MadAboutThat, no it's caring enough about him to get him exactly what he wants and for his birthday not late. I also treat him for a nice meal at his favourite restaurant. Pointless getting him something you think he might like only to find he doesn't like it as much as he'd have liked something else or he has to pretend he likes it so as to not hurt your feelings.

Maybe that's what you think is caring, but he has literally said he doesn't think she puts enough thought into his gift.

Picking from a list is not putting thought into anything, it's nice and generous and yes he should be grateful, but it's not putting thought into a gift.

Personally, I'm at the stage where I'm not bothered anymore about gifts at all, my family does pick from a list. But every year, a few of them tries to pick little other things to open that shows me that they have thought about me for my birthday. Not expensive things, just small bits that mean something. These mean so much more than the presents from the list, because it shows me that they've actually thought about me.

That's what I think OPs husband is looking for from his wife.