Siding with family during divorce

5 replies

jessie78 · 30/12/2023 22:22

My BIL and SIL are going through a messy divorce and I feel conflicted on supporting BIL just because he is family.

I had a really good relationship with SIL and I don't want to lose the friendship but because BIL is family (brother to my husband) its feeling impossible for me to maintain it.

For background, BIL is pushing for the divorce, SIL is obviously hurting and neither are now playing fair regarding money and the house etc.

I said all along to SIL that our relationship wouldn't change and I would still be a friend but husbands family are really against anyone having any contact so I feel like I am in the wrong for doing so. So much so we had plans to meet just before Christmas but I had to cancel at my MIL request and was told I was "going behind their backs by arranging to meet"

It doesn't feel fair to me that I have to lose a friendship but I also don't want to cause rifts in the family for me or my husband.

Any advise or just to know someone has been through similar would help.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2023 22:24

How did your MIL even know ?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/12/2023 22:25

You have to pick a side. Or you’ll end up with neither. Families who choose the person outside never end up still being families I’m afraid.

Thementalloadisreal · 30/12/2023 22:27

You don’t have to choose if they - and the rest of the family - can be grown up and amicable about it.

JurassicFantastic · 30/12/2023 23:06

Stop letting your MIL decide who you are allowed to be friends with.

Confusedmeanderings · 30/12/2023 23:24

We had a similar situation between my DHs sister and her ex DH. We wanted to remain friends with both sides, even though their divorce was so poisonous. We had to be very clear that we intended to stay friends with both of them, that we weren't divorcing anyone and that we were refusing to take sides. We had to keep repeating it and refuse to engage when they complained about each other. I remember sitting down with my SIL and saying that I knew she was having a difficult time and I would help her any way I could, but I was not going to get drawn in myself in their fights. Me and my DH felt that it was really important to do this because they had 2 sons caught in the crossfire. It took a long time, but eventually it was accepted. Just be very clear about your intentions, don't get caught up in the drama and keep repeating that you are not taking sides

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