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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not repeatedly give more chances to change?

13 replies

AprMayJune · 30/12/2023 22:05

Someone in my close family has treated me like crap, worse, for a very long time. They are manipulative and calculated.

They have a pattern of being extremely unpleasant and then running back to me, saying they love me and ‘let’s both put the past in the past’. They likely have MH/personality disorder which I used to try and make allowances for but enough became enough as it’s not licence to treat someone badly. I’m not the only one on the receiving end.

I can hold my hands up and admit fault to a lot in life but this person has constantly picked on and bullied me for longer than I should have let it happen - I am confident I am not jointly responsible for the ‘bad feeling’ between us.

They used to blow hot and cold in the way they treated me, it was never predictable. Every so often they come out the woodwork wanting to meet.

I did a lot of work on building my self esteem back up but I still struggle to say no to them, out of fear other family members will think I am unreasonable as person enjoys being the victim and will tell people they are very upset I want nothing to do with them.

I am an anxious person and GP has said before to try and minimise / avoid stressful situations as they don’t do my health any good

I need to keep the peace but just don’t feel up to seeing them, especially on my own. I have suggested we meet with a few other family members but this relative is refusing that and saying they don’t feel comfortable with that.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AprMayJune · 30/12/2023 22:17

Bump

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 30/12/2023 22:26

No. The relationship harms you. Don’t keep asking for trouble.

If they’ve got a PD, run.

It really is ok to stop people doing bad things to you.

Original poster
AprMayJune · 30/12/2023 22:30

Supersimkin2 · 30/12/2023 22:26

No. The relationship harms you. Don’t keep asking for trouble.

If they’ve got a PD, run.

It really is ok to stop people doing bad things to you.

Thank you. I just feel so deeply conflicted when there is pressure from other people to meet them. I am a people pleaser at heart

OP posts:
Original poster
AprMayJune · 30/12/2023 22:42

I know I need to just prioritise me but it feels like I am being resistant and they are the peace keeper, that’s what I struggle with

OP posts:
Original poster
AprMayJune · 30/12/2023 22:59

Has anyone else been in a similar situation before?

OP posts:
Original poster
AprMayJune · 31/12/2023 15:46

Just giving a bump for more advice

OP posts:
Justblockthebitch · 31/12/2023 16:03

It sounds like they know what they're doing.
Have they done this to anyone else and been told off/cut off for this behaviour?

If they had physically assaulted you the first two times you met up, would you have met up with them a third time? Just because it's not physical doesn't mean you have to put up with it xx

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 16:08

My mum was like this… telling you to put the past in the past is not apologizing or being accountable for their behaviour or the affect it has had on you. I would write a list of excuses and have it handy on my phone for the next time they ring trying to get you involved. Make them sufficiently mundane like Dental checkup/clean, Dr appointment, school pickup, anything that won’t be interesting to them so they want to come along. Then you’re not put on the spot. Just keep giving them the swerve.

Leeds2 · 31/12/2023 16:08

I would refuse to meet up. If relative tries to play the victim, let them. Your other family members will well know what they are like, and why you have done so.

Lurkingandlearning · 31/12/2023 16:17

I’ve been in a similar situation and had to cut contact. It wasn’t a relative so easier to do so. The thing with people who have MH issues is, yes we should be kind and tolerant up to a point
When their health issues cause hurt to us and we cannot prevent that we must step back. At that point only mental health professionals will know how to handle interacting with them safely. “Hurt” doesn’t only mean physical. A physical attack might possibly be resolved quicker than emotional abuse that can go on for years. It sounds like they have been emotionally abusing you. Perhaps unintentionally because of their mental ill health but you aren’t qualified to deal/ cope with it.

please don’t agree to see them one to one. It isn’t necessary

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 31/12/2023 17:36

You can say to the other people who keep pressuring you that you are not going to meet this person but they are free to do so if they wish - and that going into detail about the individual’s behaviour towards you might put them in a position where they feel they have to take sides. To avoid that, they need to accept that you have perfectly valid reasons and this is your decision to make, not anyone else’s, and it needs to be respected.

Just remember that you are an adult, with your own free will, doing what is right for you on your doctor’s advice. You don’t owe an apologetic explanation to people who aren’t listening to you. Why aren’t those people hearing both sides of it instead of you being sure that they only see this nasty person as a peacemaker? Do they know the details?

CrazyCatLady13 · 31/12/2023 17:39

I've blocked my sister after years of her going hot & cold, attacking me then wanting to be best friends. Like you, I suspect she has a personality disorder. I don't feel bad, it's my responsibility to protect myself.

PurpleBugz · 31/12/2023 21:15

Unless this is your child then you are it unreasonable. If it's your child then put some firm boundaries in olace and stick to them but don't cut them out

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