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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel upset about sister's childhood diary entry?

23 replies

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:11

My sister and I (both later 30s) were recently sorting through a large box in her garage full of our childhood memorabilia - old photos, school books and the like. She'd asked me to help her as she was moving house and wanted me to take anything I wanted to keep before she threw things away.

Anyway, we came across my sister's diary from the year after our mum passed away when we were little girls (both under 10 when she passed). Initially we had a laugh reading the ramblings of a 9 year old girl - both of us crying with laughter at points at the level of detail she'd included about mundane and funny things. Then, we came to her entry on the specific anniversary date of our mum's passing. It would have been the first year anniversary. It read "mummy has been dead one year today, so we went to church with grandma and grandad. My dad didn't come as he drank too much the night before and was too sick" followed by a sad face, indicating it had upset her that my dad didn't come to church with us and grandparents.

For context, I have a lot of respect for my dad and I always have. He raised me and my sister alone whilst holding down a full time job to provide for us, after losing the love of his life. Me and my sisters were just little girls, he was probably massively out of his depth and obviously grieving, but he was always an excellent and loving father to us. We are still very close to him now (he's only in his early 60s so still relatively young). I couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness though, when I read that he wasn't there with my sister and I at church for the first anniversary of our mum's death. I understand it was likely an extremely difficult time for him, and he wasn't (and isn't) a huge drinker, so it was probably just a way to block out the pain.

But even so, AIBU to feel a little bit sad at reading this?

OP posts:

IAmAnIdiot123 · 30/12/2023 21:16

It's sad but the whole situation is sad. Obviously you feel how you feel but I wouldn't be raising this as an issue with your dad now. No good can come from trying to make him feel guilt for this 20+ years later. He was an excellent father to you both from your OP, I would let this go.

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2023 21:18

Yes that is sad

It sounds as though he was struggling to cope with anniversary

Pity your sister was told he was drunk / hungover. Would have been kinder if adults had told her he was unwell

Don't let one day taint your overall view of your Dad, formed over many years

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:19

Yes you're right, he was and still is a great father (and grandfather now). It's just left me with such a sad feeling in my chest. I mean, we were fine and being taken care of by our grandparents, but it just feels so wrong to have not been there with us. Maybe he just couldn't deal with the pain 🙁

OP posts:

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 30/12/2023 21:19

Of course you’re not unreasonable in feeling sad, for your 8/9 year old selves and for your dad. But that’s not the point really. It was a very sad thing to happen to a man and his daughters. Maybe it’s better to focus on having had your grandparents with you when your dad was going through such a tough time. You sound loving and close now.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 30/12/2023 21:21

It is very sad all round. That is how most people would feel reading that reflection.

I feel sorry for your sister whose sadness was obviously compounded by your father not being there.

I feel sorry for your dad, probably using alcohol to block his pain then feeling terrible for not being able to support his girls on the day.

Charlingspont · 30/12/2023 21:21

Yes, it must have been sad for you and your sister that he wasn't there at the church that day, but with hindsight, it's clear that he couldn't cope and therefore tried to blot it all out by getting drunk the night before the one year anniversary of her death. Must have been awful for him too. Can you forgive him?

saraclara · 30/12/2023 21:22

Your grandparents were there for you. You weren't left to your own devices.
I doubt that you were sad about it at the time.

He was there for you in every other way. So you need to forgive him for anything that happened on that night, which must have been desperately upsetting for him. He wasn't thinking ' this last drink might mean I'm not up to taking the girls to church tomorrow, but I'll have it anyway'. He was just lost in his grief.

I look back at the first year or two after my husband died, and wonder what I was thinking with regard to some of the decisions I made. At the time I thought I was keeping it all together. But clearly I wasn't, and the cracks show in those decisions.

HarrietStyles · 30/12/2023 21:22

You are not at all unreasonable to feel sad reading this. I think it would be strange if you didn’t feel sad about it. But just imagine the pain your poor dad felt losing his love with such young children. It sounds like he was a loving and caring Dad who has absolutely done his best for you growing up. No-one is perfect and I’m sure if my husband died and left me with the children alone, there would be MANY days that I would be an emotional mess and I would hope my family and friends would step in and help me out with my children on those low days. Give him a free pass for that one incident - it would have been an incredibly painful day for him and your grandparents stepped up to help him that day.

Onabench · 30/12/2023 21:25

Of course it’s sad. For many of us, our adult selves are so unattached to our childhood self that we forget that a lot of things in our childhood are probably sad. We’re just so distant from it. I wouldn’t lay blame on your dad really. But it is sad to picture your childhood self, as a defenceless being, trying to process such thoughts

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:27

Yes you're all right, thank you. I can't even imagine my poor dad's pain at losing his wife and the mother of his children, he was just in his early 30s and had to rethink his entire life plan. I imagine he was just in survival mode for a long time. I remember lots of extended family staying over / us staying with them in school holidays etc. I'd never hold this against him, he'll always be the man who raised me and I'm forever thankful for that. It just really hit me from my sister's perspective as a little girl, I think, reading those words. 🙁

OP posts:

Gazelda · 30/12/2023 21:29

Having been in almost exactly the same situation, I completely empathise OP.

All I can offer is that you and your sister were sad on that day. Your grandparents supported you while your DF found his own way of dealing with his grief.

It hasn't affected him being a fabulous father to you both ever since, so please try not to judge his actions on that one day.

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:30

It was also strange to go from tears of laughter at my sister's funny entries to tears of sadness when we turned the page and read that entry. I guess even 30 years on we are still processing that loss of our mum, and as adults reading the perspective of our child selves, as well as imaging my dad's pain at the time, just makes it all the more sad.

OP posts:

Sapphire387 · 30/12/2023 21:32

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I don't know how that feels, but I do know how it feels to be widowed with two very young children. And it's hellish. I'm not surprised your dad had some times like this, and it's good you all had extended family to support you. Try not to judge him harshly- it's tremendously difficult trying to hold it together for your kids when you can barely hold yourself together.

rainrainSummerornot · 30/12/2023 21:34

Sorry this happened without preparation or a therapist to support you with these shadows of the past.

If you can sit in that in sadness for a while to look at a photo of a similar age and talk to yourselves at that age & say some gentle words it will help heal a piece of the puzzle. Similarly you could say to your dad of that time, something like 'it's ok Dad, we are with granny'

It may be worth booking a therapist to talk through those diary words, as they may be acting like a key to other memories and times.

Sorry for your loss & sending strength as you work through this chapter it has opened.

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:34

@Sapphire387
I'm so sorry - I can only imagine 😢

OP posts:

LakeTiticaca · 30/12/2023 21:35

Don't be too hard on your Dad. The poor man must have been broken, losing his wife and 2 young sisters losing their mum.
He sounds like a lovely man who stepped up to the plate for his girls, it's no wonder really that he drank so much to try and blot out the pain x

newtlover · 30/12/2023 21:36

to add to what others have said, you obviously don't remember this happening, so your grandparents were able to shield/protect you from this lapse of your Dad's.

saraclara · 30/12/2023 21:38

it's tremendously difficult trying to hold it together for your kids when you can barely hold yourself together.

Yes.

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:38

@LakeTiticaca he definitely is a lovely man, he's the reason I am the person I am today. I have so many happy childhood memories amongst one obviously huge traumatic one of losing my mum. I'd never, ever hold this against my dad. I suppose I'm just processing the complex feelings it's brought up for me (and my sister of course, whom I'm extremely close to).

OP posts:

clingon1012 · 30/12/2023 21:40

As a child you may have been sad that your dad wasn't with you but it seems like you have likely forgotten that incident which hopefully means it didn't have a long lasting negative effect on you?

As an adult now, I would be more sad for your dad rather than sad at the situation (i.e. the fact that he wasn't there with you) because your dad sounds like he is a great dad who tried his best and would have wanted to be there for his girls, but that day was just too painful for him. It wasn't as if he neglected you both as your were clearly being looked after by your grandparents so I think I'm leaning on being sad for your dad rather than being sad at what he couldn't do for you that day. Not sure if I make much sense!

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:41

newtlover · 30/12/2023 21:36

to add to what others have said, you obviously don't remember this happening, so your grandparents were able to shield/protect you from this lapse of your Dad's.

This is true, I don't remember this. My sister remembers more than I do (she's older by 18 months).

However, my memory of a lot of things after my mum's death is hazy. I only know I attended her funeral because my dad told me I was there - I was 7 years old - why is there absolutely no memory of being there? My sister remembers being there. I assume it's been blocked out as it was too traumatic for my 7 year old brain to deal with.😢

OP posts:

Original poster

diaryfromthepast · 30/12/2023 21:47

rainrainSummerornot · 30/12/2023 21:34

Sorry this happened without preparation or a therapist to support you with these shadows of the past.

It may be worth booking a therapist to talk through those diary words, as they may be acting like a key to other memories and times.

Sorry for your loss & sending strength as you work through this chapter it has opened.

This made me tearful 😢 thank you x

OP posts:

Hocuspocusnonsense · 30/12/2023 21:56

Don’t hold it against him if he’s always been and still is a great dad. He was grieving, perhaps struggling to cope. He’s a normal person and as you are now an adult it’s easier to understand that. Close the diary and let it go.

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