I'm an abusive person arent I?

[stopdonttalk]

I have diagnosed borderline personality disorder, I have went through years and years of therapy in order to get a handle on my behaviour (anger, risky behaviour, hyper sexuality, depression, attachment issues, Low self esteem etc). On top of therapy I have done lots of inner child meditation as I believe my BPD has been caused by childhood trauma.

I stayed single for 6 years due to my awful behaviour whilst in relationships (jealousy, cheating, paranoia).

About 4 months ago, I met a man through work. He is lovely, however, he is definitely very shut off emotionally and everything was on his terms. Sometimes he would be absolutely lovely towards me and other times he didn't want anything to do with me. This has resulted in me having 4 months of extreme anxiety and depression. This has shocked me as I genuinely believed I was 'cured' having worked hard during therapy and that I had higher self esteem than I've ever had. This has all been shattered though.

Last week, I got drunk with some friends and brought up the fact that I feel he is blowing hot and cold and that I can't do this anymore as it is seriously impacting my mental health. He replied that there is no reason for me to feel this way and that he can't give me what I want but would like to remain friends.

I have been heartbroken but respecting his boundaries. Tonight we have chatted and he compliments me and tells me he misses me but says he still can't give me what I want especially given the fact I became abusive the other night.

I suddenly got a knot in my stomach and thought oh my god, I haven't changed at all, I'm still behaving in the same way I always have. Why has the therapy not worked? Am I abusive?

You can have a personality disorder and still be gaslighted. He sounds awful and you are better off without him

Did he explain what he meant when he said you "became abusive"? Did you shout and scream at him? From your description it doesn't sound as if you were abusive.

It doesn’t sound like you were abusive. It also sounds like in a bid to make sure you don’t return to past habits, you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to being walked all over. It sounds like you just highlighted how his behaviour was making you feel.

What exactly about your delivery did he think was abuse?

You can't cure a personality disorder OP.

I would also question your need for absolutes. "I've done therapy for X amount of time so SURELY I've changed" isn't going to work.

It will only work if you actually implement your strategies and modify your own behaviours.

We can't control others' actions but we can control our reactions and, I would guess, that perhaps this person is a repeated pattern for you. As in, you've had situationships like this before, the person is new but the circumstances are the same. Emotionally unavailable fuckwits that drive you up the wall with anxiety.

Stop repeating the pattern. At the first sign of their unsuitable behaviour you should have bowed out, you should have said no this is going to put me in the place where I react the way I don't want to so I'm tapping out now to protect myself.

And then: you move on. Stop putting yourself in this situation, use the tools you have acquired in therapy and value your positives and your time.

In short: are you flat out abusive? I don't think so, but I do think you repeat patterns that make you react negatively towards others.

Recognising others' unsafe behaviour towards you can help you change your pattern.

I have bpd too, unfortunately due to the personality disorder it seems to attract unfavourable partners. 3 of my ex’s have been narcissists for example.

I think for a bpd person, we fall fast for those that treat us very well in the first few days/weeks, we also dont tend to notice red flags as were too busy controlling our own. Before you know it your months/years down the line believing you are the problem, and with bpd have a ‘valid’ reason both to be blamed and blame yourself.
it’s vicious, and I do hope it gets better.

No I never shouted or screamed or name called. I just said that I was finding it difficult with the lack of consistency from him and he then said he couldn't give me what I wanted. I then voice noted him a few hours later and said that after thinking about things, I agree he cannot give me what I need and that we are incompatible but that I really likes him as a person. It was a few days later he told me I was abusive and now I just wonder if I was.

No, you were not abusive. You appropriately asserted yourself.
Unfortunately, your condition makes you more susceptible to abusive relationships. This is a fact that you need to be aware of. It sounds as though he's been gaslighting you and giving you mixed messages throughout your relationship. You need to learn to recognise these behaviour patterns in future partners and get out of these relationships sooner rather than later.
You can't cure EUPD but you can lead a successful and happy life using tools from your therapy sessions. This is just a setback and you need to work through it. But you are not the abuser in this.

Hey op, stop letting this foul man plunge you into such self doubt. You were right he is too cold, unloving and unavailable for you, and mostly anyone. He definitely isn’t right for you is he. He sounds like a sociopath to me.

Be delighted you have handled this so well, with such dignity and poise. You have really proven in all of this that all of your work has paid off.

Now finish this with the grace you have shown all along by blocking him on all platforms and choosing someone with the capacity to love you fully.

Next time hold off for 4-6 months before allowing them in, assess who they are, motivation, capacity to love you etc. It sounds like you are getting much better at protecting yourself op 💐💐

It’s been 4 months!

If things aren’t working out in the first 4 months then you know they never will.

Throw this one back.
Stay single for now.
If someone else comes along then take things slow.

From what you have said it does not sound abusive - and someone who feels it is ok to blow hot and cold with you is not the most reliable person to listen to.

To be fair, I don't think he sounds like a nice person. Had you told him about your previous struggles? It sounds like he's deliberately using it against you.

Personally, I think you might still have work to do around valuing yourself and self esteem. If you were truly confident you might realise that other people make mistakes too.

You set boundaries and he reacted to them. From your words you don't sound like you were abusive but his behaviour sounds as though he is using what you've told him as an excuse to play games. In short you sound well shot.

You don't sound abusive

You haven’t described anything abusive.

Nothing you’ve said makes you sound abusive. But this man is using what you’ve shared with him about your past to gaslight you. You’re definitely best off out of it.

Sounds like you did a fabulous job of asserting your boundaries - I wonder if the doubt you are experiencing is because you were drinking when it happened (as well as his comment).

BPD is just a way of classifying a group of experiences and behaviours for people who have experienced attachment difficulties / trauma, if you do the work and use the tools and develop your skills of course you won't be diagnosable forever.

No amount of therapy will ever make a person feel good about being treated inconsistently or invalidated if what they are looking for is security and love. Keep looking and keep learning to avoid the red flags. You've got this.

I see no reason to think you were abusive, though of course I wasn't there. Put it this way, though: if you WERE abusive with him then clearly he's bringing out a part of you that you don't like. Step away now from him...

This is such a lovely post, please read it carefully, while no one can say for sure whether or not you've been abusive I do wonder here whether you've been very quick to blame yourself. I also just want to throw into the mix that if trauma is in your background you might want to look at specific trauma based therapies and even whether your eupd might be c-ptsd )or they might be comorbid).

wtf no. You are not abusive he’s gaslighting you

Being with someone who has serious MH issues is really hard and I think he is being honest. For your MH being single may be better anyway.

I’m confused. You can clearly see for yourself you weren’t abusive. Or you aren’t saying the full story.