How would you deal with this? Aibu

Despicito · 2023-12-30T18:35:57+00:00

My family visited over Christmas & my partner stayed upstairs the whole time blaming it on anxiety. My family had brought gifts for both of us & our children & I had put on food. My siblings brought their partners & were asking where mine was. My partner claims my family don't like him but it is completely untrue. I always make an effort with his family. He also didn't help in clearing the house before they arrived as he said I was rolling out the red carpet for them and he didn't want to be a skivvy. He claims to feel really bad now and regrets not coming down to at least say hello. He says non of us have suffered anxiety so we wouldn't understand.

Daleksatemyshed · 30/12/2023 18:42

It's not much good being sorry now- he could have just come down and said Hello and then left you to it

Diamondglintsonsnow · 30/12/2023 18:51

If he truly has anxiety then that would be a justification for the behaviour, has he suffered anxiety for a while? Does it display like this avoidant behaviour before?

MargaretThursday · 30/12/2023 19:00

I totally get where he's coming form here.

What I find helps is:

Be there when they arrive, siting down with something (eg a book) that you're doing.
When they arrive put it down, say hello, answer small talk. Then direct them through to other room to get drinks (or ask someone else call them through).
If that's enough, you can leave upstairs at that point.
Otherwise pick up book and read/do sudoku etc. Let everyone talk round you.
When you've had enough then get mobile to ring (I've done it using the alarm) and excuse yourself to answer it. All you do is let it ring as you go out, when you're outside the door say loudly "hello".
If it's not Christmas day (so nowhere to go) then also having a plan that you can use as an excuse for going out/needing to spend time upstairs. "Sorry, our friend's mum has just been scammed, and dh's helping to sort it, so he's gone upstairs/to their house to use his laptop for them." It means he can disappear off for a length of time without it being questioned.

Now actually I find that when I have an exit plan like this I don't need to use it. Because I know I can get out, without looking bad.
If I'm upstairs when they arrive then I would find it almost impossible to come down into it.
Each time I retreat, I find it harder to come down, so next time I would suggest he greets (sitting down) then retreats quickly.

Original poster

Despicito · 30/12/2023 19:59

Thank you @MargaretThursday some Really good tips

OP posts:

SteadyEddi · 30/12/2023 20:02

Is he 14? His is the behaviour of a teen, hiding away. I would be very unhappy with his behaviour. I’d expect him to go to his Gp and get medical and therapeutic input to manage his anxiety

Ktime · 30/12/2023 20:07

I would deal with it by making zero
effort with his family as well.

He can’t have his cake and eat it too.

What do you do for his family?

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 30/12/2023 20:10

Is he seeking help for his anxiety? If he is making active steps to improve, I think this would help how I viewed the situation. If he's not taking part in normal life through anxiety and making no steps to get help, I'd be more concerned.

I also agree with making no effort for his family when they next visit.

Does he work, and if so how does he manage meetings etc at work?

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 20:14

@MargaretThursday has some really good tips. Anxiety can be very disabling and stressful for the sufferer. Unfortunately, the best medications for it are very addicting and tightly controlled by consultant psychiatrists. So it’s not as simple as popping into the GP for a packet of pills.

The best approach is a no pressure approach. So let him stay upstairs. I think too that your family sounds quite large which can be overwhelming. He might cope better with greeting each sibling + partner as they arrive and then retreating. Or if you go on a trip to some light show or to a park, see if he can join for the outing.

The fact he wants to be part of a family Christmas is a good sign. The next step is to try and find a way he can do a bit here and there without feeling like a weirdo. Hopefully your family would be understanding of his limits?

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 20:16

I don’t agree with making no effort for his family when they visit.
I think that’s a bit childish to mock someone’s disability by pretending to have it too. Or worse, to punish your own partner for having a disability by retaliating in a tit for tat fashion.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 20:18

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 20:16

I don’t agree with making no effort for his family when they visit.
I think that’s a bit childish to mock someone’s disability by pretending to have it too. Or worse, to punish your own partner for having a disability by retaliating in a tit for tat fashion.

Did his disability also prevent him from helping OP clean up? How can you expect OP to make an effort for his family when he makes zero effort for hers?

He also didn't help in clearing the house before they arrived as he said I was rolling out the red carpet for them and he didn't want to be a skivvy.

2jacqi · 30/12/2023 20:18

@Despicito sounds more like he didnt want visitors than being anxious! he regrets not coming down now! he is an arsehole!!

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 20:22

Ktime · 30/12/2023 20:18

Did his disability also prevent him from helping OP clean up? How can you expect OP to make an effort for his family when he makes zero effort for hers?

He also didn't help in clearing the house before they arrived as he said I was rolling out the red carpet for them and he didn't want to be a skivvy.

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Sorry? Anxiety can affect this too. Preparing for a party/family visit that terrifies you can make you feel physically ill. Often sufferers feel overwhelmed at the thought of so many people in their home that they just need to hide away. Men don’t like admitting they are afraid, so they save face by saying they’re not a skivvy and all that work isn’t necessary.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 20:40

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 20:22

Sorry? Anxiety can affect this too. Preparing for a party/family visit that terrifies you can make you feel physically ill. Often sufferers feel overwhelmed at the thought of so many people in their home that they just need to hide away. Men don’t like admitting they are afraid, so they save face by saying they’re not a skivvy and all that work isn’t necessary.

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Terrified, give me a break. Funny how he makes effort for his own family 😂

Why do you think OP should skivvy for his family if he won’t skivvy for her family?

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:22

Ktime · 30/12/2023 20:40

Terrified, give me a break. Funny how he makes effort for his own family 😂

Why do you think OP should skivvy for his family if he won’t skivvy for her family?

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It’s not “funny” that he is more comfortable with his own family. I don’t know anyone with anxiety that is comfortable with their in laws like they are with their own family. Most people without anxiety feel nervous and stressed when in laws come to visit.

I don’t think anything of the sort. I think that there should be some adjustments and accommodations going on. Perhaps he can do after visit clean up instead of before visit preparation?

I don’t agree with the suggestion to OP to put forth no effort as a sort of tit for tat, childish, get back at him for a disability he has no control over. It’s the kind of advice that is unhelpful and hurts a relationship.

Ktime · 30/12/2023 22:40

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:22

It’s not “funny” that he is more comfortable with his own family. I don’t know anyone with anxiety that is comfortable with their in laws like they are with their own family. Most people without anxiety feel nervous and stressed when in laws come to visit.

I don’t think anything of the sort. I think that there should be some adjustments and accommodations going on. Perhaps he can do after visit clean up instead of before visit preparation?

I don’t agree with the suggestion to OP to put forth no effort as a sort of tit for tat, childish, get back at him for a disability he has no control over. It’s the kind of advice that is unhelpful and hurts a relationship.

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So he feels comfortable clearing up and skivvying for his own family before they arrive but when it’s OP’s family coming he is overcome with anxiety and can’t help?

Like I said, give me a break 😂

Do you think OP should cook for and host his family then?

BabaBarrio · 30/12/2023 22:45

Ktime · 30/12/2023 22:40

So he feels comfortable clearing up and skivvying for his own family before they arrive but when it’s OP’s family coming he is overcome with anxiety and can’t help?

Like I said, give me a break 😂

Do you think OP should cook for and host his family then?

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What are you going on about? Perhaps you need to take a break and research a bit about anxiety as you seem to be misunderstanding what I am saying and the laughing emojis when discussing a disability is really inappropriate. Would you use those emojis if we were talking about an eating disorder? Or PTSD?

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/about-anxiety/

It is very common for anxiety sufferers to see their own family as safe people, but in laws, their partner/children’s friends as not safe people.

Original poster

Despicito · 31/12/2023 08:05

Wow some very mixed answers/ advice

Thanks appreciate them all non the less

OP posts:

Bigbus · 31/12/2023 08:18

Both my daughters have suffered from
anxiety and the initial coming downstairs is by far the hardest thing for them to get past. It’s much better if they are already downstairs when people come. Sometimes they would come down if I went up and got them. Unfortunately waiting around for people to come increases the anxiety and increases the likelihood that they would escape upstairs before the guests arrive. I used to get frustrated but I came to the conclusion that just made me more stressed and actually the gentler approach solves the problem quicker. Feeling you have to do something that makes you anxious only makes the anxiety worse. If he’s genuinely regretful now then I would try to be understanding and think with him
about strategies to help next time.

I think what is making people less sympathetic is the skivvy comment. Is he able to explain that now?

Original poster

Despicito · 31/12/2023 23:24

Thank you @Bigbus
He says the house wasn't messy and I was rushing round trying to get it clean for my family but he couldn't see what needed doing and he wanted to relax not rush round cleaning.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 31/12/2023 23:34

How long have you been with this man? Do you really think he suffers from anxiety to the extent that he can't come downstairs and say hello? Is he functional in other ways? It's interesting that he thought the place didn't need cleaning and then went for a lie down upstairs. He sounds really lazy and antisocial to me. Are you determined to carry on seeing him?

crostini · 31/12/2023 23:55

I've had anxiety to the point of being in an out of hospital convince of brain tumours. Not going upstairs in my own home for fear of the floors falling in. So I'm very sensitive and empathetic to people dealing with anxiety.

Him not tidying his own home when expecting visitors or greeting his wives family is not anxiety - it's weird and lazy and he needs to either admit that it's an excuse or seek therapeutic intervention if he's serious. But the comments about being a skivvy and red carpets, lead me to believe that he's not.