FIL taking the piss..

[Fuckmeicantbebothered]

FIL is unwell, truly, I get that.
I help out a lot, but I've left his house very annoyed and I'm hoping to vent a bit.

Over the past few years, he has got to the point where he will just boss everyone around, doesn't matter if its something he can do, or not, he will demand that people do things for him.

Its never an ask, there's never any appreciation, he just demands everything.

It's even been discussed by MIL he puts on being breathless, and pants whilst staring at people, then turns his head and speaks in full, clear sentences to someone else in the room.

He bosses everyone around. As soon as we arrive to visit them- or primarily MIL because he's driving her to distraction. He starts with his demands on me, DD and DH.

He's especially bossy to DH, between throwing demands at him, he will put DH down.
Today I saw red, and had to leave because FIL had gone out,
Came home as we were leaving, DH decided to stay for a few minutes longer to make FIL a mug of tea. Before he was finished FIL was shouting at DH to get in to take his boots off.

A few minutes later he's shouting at DH to get the Dustpan and brush up the mush that's fallen out of FILs nappy onto the living room floor.

DH finished sweeping it up, then he moved again, and started shouting to come back here and tidy this up! Because his nappy had continued to leak mush.

If he asked kindly, that would be one thing, but he just expects everyone's going to do everything for him. There's no appreciation.

It's hurtful to see someone I love treated in that way. FIL could have sorted out that mess himself... its been well noted that he can do things he wants to do, but instead he will just demand his son cleans up for him.

Maybe it's more that he is so rude.

It's very easy -

"FIL we love you and don't mind helping you, but we deserve to be spoken to with respect. If you cannot do this, I am afraid we will no longer be available".

Being unwell and old does not excise rudeness (except obviously in cases of dementia etc) but this doesn't sound like the case here.

He needs firm boundaries and you to be a united front

I'm sure it sounds like I'm being petty, I think it's just building up, but I'm disgusted that he gets people to do all these tasks, without even trying for himself.

He does have some dementia, but definitely not to the point he isn't able to not know what he's doing.

There are quite a few people who think he's lovely, because that's how he is with them.

Trying to talk to him, he just turns to the TV. He's such a rude old man.

I just need to vent a bit. There's no changing the old sod. Might need to pull away and more concentrate on propping up poor MIL and being less available to be around him.

Thank you

I don't know what 'mush' is. Excrement?

I think if he is incontinent that will be distressing for him. And if he has lost control of his bowels, then I am assuming that he is quite old and/or ill.

Does he have dementia and consequently disinhibition? If so, it may be hard for him, to remember how to behave even if he is reminded.

It sounds like an upsetting and unpleasant situation. But unless you are clearer about his physical and mental health, it is hard to advise you about how best to change what is going on.

Sorry, the mush, like where a nappy has flooded and ripped... I imagine otherwise it wouldn't have fallen out of his trousers.

He wasn't, and isn't embarrassed. It would be a completely different matter if that was the case. Its more his attitude toward us /his son than anything.

He does have some dementia, however he is able to be polite, kind, and not demanding to others. I've seen it within the past few days (during Christmas they've had visitors when we've been there, he's perfectly nice to people then throws demands around at us and is rude)

His physical and mental health are not great, but certainly not to the point he cannot do anything at all.

I know that sounds mean, but there's a lot of times I've done things for him, and MIL has said, he can do that himself! He does when he's left to it.

I went thru this with my own father. It was living hell. If I had made rules and boundaries first it could have been better. He needs to hear no. Just no.

My 3 yr old grand daughter spoke to me rather loudly yesterday, bossing me around. I simply said, “Please don’t shout at me like that.” “Sorry Nana,” she replied and immediately modified her behaviour. I think a similar approach could work with your fil, though it may take a few goes for him to get the message!