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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset by my 13 year old daughter?

94 replies

MessyMum123 · 30/12/2023 17:27

Recently diagnosed with ASD after lots of eating issues and misophonia arose ( an intolerance to people making noises - chewing / breathing )

She refused lots of the assessment as refused to answer but between me and school she got her diagnosis which she has completely refused to accept no matter how I word things / spin everything into a positive etc

Shes not taken to saying that because I upset her so much ( by telling her about the autism diagnosis ) she no longer loves me, that love is not unconditional and that I’ll have to earn it back 😢

OP posts:
LunaLovegoodsLeftEyebrow · 30/12/2023 17:32

Ignore.

She sounds manipulative, try not to rise to it.

Just reassure her that your love is not conditional and that despite her unkind words you love her as you always have.

manoffthelead · 30/12/2023 17:37

It is not unreasonable for you to be upset. It would be odd if you were not. But she is 13. I think you will have to roll with it for now. All things pass.

Billybobranaway · 30/12/2023 17:38

My Dd who is also 13 was similar when she was going through assessments. However with time (she was diagnosed at 11) and the right group of friends (plus some other support) she now fully embraces her diagnosis.

It is a huge shock for some and can be difficult to accept. Let her process and carry on. She does not have to acknowledge the diagnosis to be supported ect.

It can be hard when DC say unkind hurtful things to us. Be kind to yourself but also let her know how you feel about what she has said. She is old enough to understand that the things we say impact people.

PragmaticWench · 30/12/2023 17:39

She sounds upset and angry and the easiest person to take it out on is you, because she knows you'll be there even if she's unkind to you. It may take some time for her to accept the diagnosis.

MintJulia · 30/12/2023 17:44

She doesn't mean it. She's a teen and she's lashing out to her safe audience.

If my teen ds has a hissy, he tells me he hates me. He doesn't. 😀

Take no notice. Just let it wash over you.

Jacfrost · 30/12/2023 17:48

Sounds like a strange diagnosis based upon misophonia, nobody would meet the criteria with that. Was this an NHS diagnosis?

Mariposistaa · 30/12/2023 17:51

Gosh what manipulative bratty behavior! You don’t have have to earn or pander to anything. You are a loving mum who wants what is best for her. Ignore this behavior. Stop paying her phone bill if it carries on but don’t let her call the shots. You are the parent and you’ve done nothing wrong.

PissOffJeffrey · 30/12/2023 17:56

Yeah, my now 26 year old was extremely resentful of his autism diagnosis at 14 (although it had been apparent since the age of 3).

He felt it was labelling & couldn't handle the thought something was "wrong" with him.

He now completely & utterly embraces it and lives a much more independent and full life than I ever imagined.

It's new. Give her chance to adapt. Autistic people need time.

PissOffJeffrey · 30/12/2023 18:06

Also, if you post on the SEN topic OP, you will get more appropriate responses. AIBU is great for traffic but will inevitably invite responses from people with absolutely zero concept of a ND way of thinking.

Sirzy · 30/12/2023 18:11

It’s a lot for her to take onboard. I don’t think calling it bratty behaviour or anything along those lines will help.

she has had a diagnostic process pushed upon her, her wishes ignored (with best of intentions) and now she has to adapt to the diagnosis while also dealing with all the normal teenage things. I am surprised you managed to get a diagnosis with no cooperation from her to be honest

she needs support and time to build trust back in people now

commonsense61 · 30/12/2023 18:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Mumof2NDers · 30/12/2023 20:14

It’s hard to listen to but she’s obviously confused/upset/angry about the ASD diagnosis. You’re her safe person. She knows she can say what she likes/how she feels and you will always love her.
My DS now 23 was diagnosed with Tourette’s at 8 and ADHD at 13. He was angry a lot, he wanted to be “normal”
His “I hate you’s” were answered with well I’m sorry you feel that way right now, but I love you.
Accept and validate her feelings. “I understand you feel…. angry/upset/sad, do you want to talk about it?
Please don’t take any of it personally. You know yourself teen years are difficult with hormones and puberty. Throw in dealing with a diagnosis…. It must be terrible.

Mumof2NDers · 30/12/2023 20:15

Mariposistaa · 30/12/2023 17:51

Gosh what manipulative bratty behavior! You don’t have have to earn or pander to anything. You are a loving mum who wants what is best for her. Ignore this behavior. Stop paying her phone bill if it carries on but don’t let her call the shots. You are the parent and you’ve done nothing wrong.

Just out of interest. Do you have teens? Have they been diagnosed with anything like ASD?

GazeboLantern · 30/12/2023 20:30

13 is a difficult age even with NT kids. Add ND, then add an unwanted diagnosis - poor kid, and poor mum! Tough for both of you.

My ds was diagnosed at 12. He, too was very upset about it and rejected the diagnosis. What helped him accept and eventually come to terms with being autistic was seeing a benefit to it: we were issued a card which allowed me to get in to attractions free as his carer. Mercenary child! But this practical benefit appealed to his black and white thinking. Ds had had a very negative view of autism. Seeng a positive allowed him to open his mind and learn more about himself and what would help him. His school were also very supportive.

My area has an excellent parents support group, which you can access through CountyName Autism. (Google your county name and autism.) it is led by trained practitioners and has both courses and drop-ins. Early Bird is a course for parents new to their child's diagnosis, and they also have courses covering puberty and teenagerhood.

LeanIntoChaos · 30/12/2023 20:44

My autistic 12 year old DD took her asd diagnosis in her stride. However about 3-4 years ago she had a big seizure and ended up being diagnosed with epilepsy which significantly impacted what she was able to do and was very very difficult for lots of reasons. We had a summer of non stop arguments. She would shout at me that it was all my fault for taking her to the Drs (she had a 45 minute seizure and went in by ambulance), that she hated epilepsy and she hated me. I was constantly telling her that she was strong and that her epilepsy was part of her and that she could manage this and we would do anything we could to help her and (my most regretted thing I said) that other children had things that were much worse.

Which was completely the wrong strategy and fed it all. We had some psychology and I read the whole brain child and learnt to say 'yeah epilepsy is rubbish', 'it's really tough' 'I'm sorry it's so tough for you'. She has a lot to deal with, because of the asd and epilepsy, but we don't fight about it anymore. It's amazing how quickly the situation diffuses when you are agreeing with them...

I'm sure you are trying this, but maybe ignore the personal stuff and just say 'getting this diagnosis has been really rough, huh?', 'autism can be really hard' etc

Good luck! It will get better and she isn't manipulative or bratty she's struggling to adjust to a new world view!

Meem321 · 30/12/2023 20:57

It's not bratty behaviour and punishments won't work. She's autistic. She needs therapeutic parenting and an understanding ear
There are lots of books and blogs you can read. Her school should also be able to support you.
She is not choosing to behave like this. She's just had a diagnosis that she didn't ask for and doesn't understand. Agree you should move to the SEND board as lots of unhelpful comments here

Marblessolveeverything · 30/12/2023 20:57

Extended family members are impacted by ASC.

She is 13, she sounds scared, upset and quite possibly very confused. Given her diagnosis and her age I imagine it is very challenging for you and her.My family experience with family is the young person with ASC hits out hardest (emotionally) to his mother as at his core he knows her love is absolutely unconditional. I am sure it is for your daughter too.

I imagine with time and possibly some third party professional support she will come through it. It must be very scary to learn something core about you when hormones, age are at full tilt.

CarrotCake01 · 30/12/2023 21:00

It sounds like she's just processing, don't take it to heart OP

saraclara · 30/12/2023 21:06

The poor kid has just discovered that she's not like everyone else. 13 year olds want desperately to fit in. To be 'normal'. She's discovered that, in her teens, she's not.

This is a massive thing for her to take take in. She didn't want to do be assessed, she was made to, and the assessment has confirmed exactly what she didn't want to know. No wonder she's resentful.

Any adult faced with that would be angry, upset and struggle to deal with the diagnosis. Yet people here are expecting better from a 13 year old? What's the matter with you all? Do you have zero empathy?

Adults at least get to give permission or otherwise to have medical tests. This poor girl was railroaded into it. She needs support to deal with the way she's been betrayed.

Original poster
MessyMum123 · 31/12/2023 00:25

Betrayed?

The assessments were done because she was struggling so much that she had become a school refuser, was hardly eating and couldn’t even come away on holiday without us having to go home because she was convinced she could hear breathing noises even from an adjacent room.

The diagnosis was to help support her through secondary school and give her the understanding she needs to be able to know why some things are just too hard for her to do or at least need a lot of help to do certain things.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 31/12/2023 02:25

Shes not taken to saying that because I upset her so much ( by telling her about the autism diagnosis ) she no longer loves me, that love is not unconditional and that I’ll have to earn it back 😢

Reply that that's a shame but you still love her unconditonally. Then ask her if she'd like a cuppa/a biscuit/some squash.

Later you can talk to her about how she feels and ask her what she needs you to do to support her. But as PPs have said she has a lot to take in. It won't be an easy, smooth conversation and she may well get very upset and lash out.

How did she feel before her diagnosis about the things she was struggling with? Is there any benefit to talking to her about how she will get more help and understanding for her difficulties, putting forward the plusses when all she can see are the minuses?

user1492757084 · 31/12/2023 02:34

It's part of her disorder.
Her view of reality isn't the same as yours
She will not process things always like you expect.

She is also a teenager so get used to that for a bit.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/12/2023 03:23

She's being truthful. Her love is conditional. She feels betrayed and it hurts. I think firm boundaries are needed (and subconsciously wanted). Let her know your love isn't unconditional. Be careful with words like 'despite' etc. Limit use of the A word but tell her you're not going to pretend things aren't as they are. You didn't make the rules up, it's society and the way she's wired might be why things get tricky sometimes....like now...but so far the the two of you have a 100% record of getting through things together.
Maybe direct to a tik tok post about autism. There are 1000s! Just people sharing their quirks etc. She might find someone she likes to follow and get a wider understanding of her condition instead of thinking she's nothing like that weird boy in Mrs Jones class. Some autistic influences are pretty cool.

NaughtybutNice77 · 31/12/2023 03:29

I'd like to add something else. Atm I'd imagine you're doing a lot of 2nd guessing and trying to empathise with her but it's harder than you believe.

We are all familiar with the phrase Walk in my shoes
As an autistic adult I say that doesn't really work. Stop imagining about how YOU might feel in a situation. Observe how shes feeling and apply tgat emotion to a situation you can identify with.
You really dont need to walk in my shoes, you need my feet!

SecretSoul · 31/12/2023 03:36

MessyMum123 · 31/12/2023 00:25

Betrayed?

The assessments were done because she was struggling so much that she had become a school refuser, was hardly eating and couldn’t even come away on holiday without us having to go home because she was convinced she could hear breathing noises even from an adjacent room.

The diagnosis was to help support her through secondary school and give her the understanding she needs to be able to know why some things are just too hard for her to do or at least need a lot of help to do certain things.

The problem is OP, you’re not viewing things from her perspective- you’re viewing it as an adult who’s trying to deal with a problem logically, and get support for their child.

What @saraclara is describing is how it feels to your autistic DD. And she’s right.

At 13 she’s right on the threshold of being able to make her own decisions and she was very clear about not wanting to be assessed. Against her will the assessment has gone ahead and she’s been given a diagnosis she didn’t want to hear.

Being told you are autistic is enormous- the implications go way beyond simply getting support right now. It changes how you feel about yourself and in many ways it emphasises the feeling of being an outsider, something that many autistic teens struggle with, even without a diagnosis.

I am extremely pro-diagnosis and I’m not criticising you OP. I understand why you felt you had no choice but to get her assessed. But please, please take a moment to think about how this feels for her - she’s had all control taken away from her, being assessed without her consent and had her worst fears confirmed. No wonder she’s angry. Also bear in mind that feeling in control is very important for lots of autistic people so to have it wrenched away in such a big way, and about something that’s so personal to her, must be very hard for her.

Also, there are some autistic adults who choose not to get assessed for many years. Some potentially autistic adults choose never to be assessed. She’s had that choice taken away - so as SaraClara says, it will feel like a big betrayal.

I know that’s hard to hear when you’ve probably had to battle very hard to get her assessed and diagnosed! Of course you had her best interests at heart - but this probably feels like a violation of her rights. And it is really. No one should be forced to undergo an assessment when they’re old enough to clearly explain they don’t want to have one. This can’t be undone and now she’s forced to live with this knowledge for the rest of her life. She’ll be forced to disclose it if asked medical questions. It has lifelong implications for her.

Im saying all of this as an autistic woman. I also have two DC, both diagnosed. So I really do understand why you felt this was the right thing to do, and why you felt there was maybe no other choice.

But maybe understanding why she’s so angry and why she feels betrayed would be a good first step. Imagine how you’d feel if you were assessed for something life changing without consenting - you’d feel angry and violated, right? I know how hard it is - one of my DC has very high needs - and I know you probably never realised this is how it would feel to her.