Hi OP. I think you absolutely did the right thing by turning down the wedding in Ireland.
You were worried that he would kick off and start arguing with you again at the wedding and being potentially marooned in Ireland away from your 3 kids.
So you proposed meeting up before the event and talking things through.
He refused. So you said you weren't going.
Under the circumstances your request was very reasonable. You stood up for yourself and when he wouldn't meet you halfway - you turned down the invitation.
I agree with other posters, that was your instinct. You were protecting yourself from having a horrible weekend, and worrying about your children.
I don't think you should be beating yourself up for this. I think you should be congratulating yourself for setting your boundaries and sticking to them!
When I saw this he told me I wouldn't hear much from him this weekend because he's not responsible for my anxiety's and shouldn't be made to text me
I thought that was a horrible response. He's punishing you with mean texts because he can't control you. He is responsible for your anxieties, he's causing them! It's your experience of his previous behavior which enables you to predict how he would act, in a situation you couldn't easily walk away from. and I wonder if your previous "arguments" were along similar lines as this episode and were caused by you standing up for yourself and not agreeing with him? But you've been made to feel as if there is something wrong with you doing that. That text of his underlines that he has no intention of treating you well.
You say that at times he's lovely, but the whole lovely/horrible dynamic is so destabilising. If he's only lovely sometimes ( when you behave exactly as HE wants) then He's just not good enough. You've wasted two years on him.
If someone is making you this miserable- Dump and Run.