Who were you before your life got all fucked up?

[cantbelieveiveturnedoutlikethis]

I've just gone down a rabbit hole reading excerpts of some of my favourite books from childhood and...wow. It took me right back to the child I was and made me vividly remember how I used to view the world, all the things I passionately wanted to do, what I thought my life was going to be.

I used to have so much fire in the belly and thought I would have a great life doing things I loved.

None of that happened, I mean I do have a good life now, but I don't do anything I love really. Curtailed physically by ill health. But also have lost so much mental spark?

Multiple significant bereavements, multiple chronic illnesses, infertility, experiencing past abuse (fortunately brief) have sort of left me very low in terms of any dreams or ambition and also directionless. I get through the day as best I can and enjoy the day to day.

All the stuff I used to love doing sort of faded away in terms of importance. It's really weird.

Have you ever had a sudden realisation like this? How much you have changed, and not in a good way?

How can you get yourself back, even a bit?

yes I completely understand and agree. One of the biggest points I have tried to make to my adult children recently is that I am a person outside of Mum, and that I once had hopes and dreams just like they do now, and that I once had a life before them. 17 years of being a skint single parent to two children has knocked that out of me, but I am now approaching 50 and have started to ask myself ‘is this it’? Is this all I have to look forward to?
Am seriously reevaluating my life how it is at the moment (low paying job / self employed , years worth of debts, and no prospects) considering a career change in the next few years to try and make what’s left of my life a bit better than it is now.

I agree op. I have felt all of that too.

This will probably sound really trite...but I think reconnecting with your inner child is the first step.

Life knocks the stuffing out of all of us one way or another...but the inner child is marked by hope, curiosity, enthusiasm, energy, adventure. There are little ways to connect to it and feed it.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately. My plan is to go through my old teenage diaries, make lists of the things I used to want, and do them all (if it's possible).
I had some horrible things happen. I don't want them to be who I am any more.

Totally understand this and I feel for you op.

Years of poor mental and physical health has taken its toll on me and caring for elderly parents (one with Alzheimer’s) is just about helping to finish me off right now with no sign of anything easing.

I regularly think about my younger self, full of zest and enthusiasm for life. I think it’s why listening to music or watching tv shows from my younger years (pre shit-fest years) leave me feeling so melancholy and with an aching desire to return to those easy days. It physically hurts.

Even a trip into town shopping would fill me with glee back then. I had very few stressors in my life. I had everything to look forward to. A whole, full life ahead of me yet I didn’t grab it by the horns and life took over.

I think it’s a form of mourning. I genuinely mourn the person I was and know I’ll never be able return to that.

I am awaiting some therapy in the new year it’s called ACT - Acceptance and commitment therapy. I’m truly hoping it will help as I’ve had endless cbt and counselling and they have not helped much.

I hope you manage to find something which helps.

I regularly think about my younger self, full of zest and enthusiasm for life. I think it’s why listening to music or watching tv shows from my younger years (pre shit-fest years) leave me feeling so melancholy and with an aching desire to return to those easy days. It physically hurts.

Hard relate to this. You're right, it is like mourning.

I know exactly what you mean.
My mum recently dropped round some old High school mementos like my old tie, leavers book etc.
I couldn't look at it, I have really let that girl down. She was so excited about life....

I'm not sure it's about getting your old self back, because she hadn't gone anywhere to get her back from. She's still there, just wrapped in some extra layers of experience. Not all great or positive experience granted, but wisdom and knowledge of the world and of people that makes her more than she was, not less.
So the trick is to look at her now. What does this new, deeper, more complex woman want from her life? Then make a plan to make at least some of it happen.

Great thread OP, not sure I have anything else to add but I feel totally lost now, I thought I was on the road to something and now I'm 60+ and I'm just not anywhere really! (Not sure its entirely an age thing though)

If you don't change what you're doing nothing will be any different in 5, 10, 20 years.

What do you want to do? Get fit, travel, study, look after an animal...whatever it is, make a plan.

Degenerative health problems make it really difficult to make a plan though. You can't say with confidence you will be able to execute the next steps when you are dealing with new symptoms that limit you, when you have managed to accept the last set and found ways to cope.

It is like constantly treading water in a way, without getting far.