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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this annoy you? MiL post…

30 replies

Notsuredontknow · 29/12/2023 23:44

Last couple of times we’ve seen her with our DCs she has made the following comments to my 23m old DS: “DS, say sorry. Say sorry to grandma” (after he spilt a bit of water on her floor). He says sorry, she says “good boy”. And today: “DS, say thank you for these Xmas presents. Come on, say thank you.” He does, she nods and tells him he’s a good boy. This really annoys me, firstly because I don’t think it’s her place to do it when DH and I are sitting right there (and we are very on top of teaching good manners) and secondly because he’s not even two! Would this annoy anyone else?!

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 23:46

Wouldn’t annoy me personally. I’d think the water thing was a bit OTT, I prefer to get them to help clean it. Overall I wouldn’t be too annoyed at those comments.

If you’d prefer though you can just subtly step in and redirect. “Ooops spilled water. Let’s help grandma clean up”

Spaghettieis · 29/12/2023 23:48

Wouldn’t bother me. It’s never too early to teach manners and the more reinforcement it gets (from whomever) the more it sticks.

StBrides · 29/12/2023 23:49

I think she's going in too heavy handed so yanbu.

At that age modelling is best, when they're a bit older you can start prompting / reminding

JustTalkToThem · 29/12/2023 23:50

Come on! How dare she!

LaurieStrode · 29/12/2023 23:53

Never too soon to instill awareness and good manners.

Pixiesfan · 29/12/2023 23:54

No wouldn't bother me at all. YABU

Sometimeswinning · 29/12/2023 23:55

Yabu. It all sounds kind of sweet.

Original poster
Notsuredontknow · 29/12/2023 23:56

@StBrides I agree and this is what me and DH do, model the behaviour so he can understand the context instead of just parrot-repeat a word. He already uses please, thank you, sorry, excuse me unprompted so we know it’s working. Obviously he didn’t get in there with it quick enough for grandma though!

OP posts:
Pallisers · 29/12/2023 23:59

Spaghettieis · 29/12/2023 23:48

Wouldn’t bother me. It’s never too early to teach manners and the more reinforcement it gets (from whomever) the more it sticks.

I agree it is never too early to teach manners but I honestly think that reinforcement from multiple adults just makes the child tune it out as "adult noise"

I saw it with the much younger siblings of my dh. Whenever there was a thing there were 3 or 4 adults saying "say please" "listen to your mother" "say thank you" over and over like a chorus. I could see those kids tuning it all out. When mine were little MIL (whom I love very much) liked nothing better than reinforcing me - and I know it came from a good place. So I'd say "now pick up your toys" and she would immediately echo "listen to mum, pick up your toys" My own dad would do the same. I disliked it. I felt it diluted what I was saying. We never had a thing about it though. My lovely bil knew where I was coming from and I overheard him once saying "don't worry about it mam, pallisers has this"

So I certainly wouldn't fall out about this or even say anything but yeah if I were you I'd prefer it granny just enjoyed the 2 year old and parents got the "say please" bits.

Kingoftheroad · 30/12/2023 00:31

It would annoy the life out of me!!! End of

Bex5490 · 30/12/2023 18:00

It would probably irritate me just because whatever your MIL says just feels annoying. I think it’s primal so don’t feel bad YANBU…

But….it sounds pretty inoffensive in the general scheme of things 🤷🏽‍♀️

EvilElsa · 30/12/2023 18:43

Wouldn't annoy me in the slightest. She is prompting good manners, not encouraging him to swear. I'd hazard a guess that you are not overly keen on her?

strawberry2017 · 30/12/2023 18:44

Sounds like she's encouraging positive behaviour to me and reinforcing it by praise after.

LaurieStrode · 30/12/2023 18:47

The original meaning of "it takes a village"* is that all adults are free to rebuke and correct children, to form their character. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the grandmother's actions.

*(unfortunately, the phrase these days seems to be intepreted most often as 'hand over your money and provide us with unlimited free babysitting, but keep your opinions to yourself and don't question my parenting choices!' F that.)

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2023 18:54

Kingoftheroad · 30/12/2023 00:31

It would annoy the life out of me!!! End of

Saying "End of" annoys the life out of me but there we go.

I think she probably just likes to feel involved. When he spilt the water she was demonstrating to him that it was an appropriate time to apologise. I suspect you are just irked because it's MIL and if your DH had done it you would be OK with it

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2023 18:56

And also don't understand the he's not even two comment if you say you are already teaching him manners yourself.

Scorchio84 · 30/12/2023 19:06

When my son was that age my auntie minded him for me while I was working & so we'd be in her house all week & then obviously some weekend days too sometimes just popping in after shopping & like that if he had a biscuit or whatever she'd automatically say "ta-ta Nana" before I'd even have a chance to open my mouth & that really didn't bother me at all, it's just a natural response so maybe just give her a tiny break unless it becomes massively overbearing

Sometimeswinning · 30/12/2023 20:36

Kingoftheroad · 30/12/2023 00:31

It would annoy the life out of me!!! End of

Why? I mean my parents reinforced being polite.

Torganer · 30/12/2023 20:42

I love my MIL and actively encourage her to pick up on manners etc. It feels like noise at the beginning, but the more people that reinforce this, the better they learn and do it without thinking. I don’t want them to think being polite is something they only have to do with their parents.

Original poster
Notsuredontknow · 30/12/2023 21:10

I think my post has come across more serious than intended. I shouldn’t have said it “really annoys” me. It irritates me. And yes, probably moreso because it’s the MiL. We do have a good relationship mostly and I certainly don’t plan on saying anything to her about this. But my DH feels the same - we locked eyes at the time and he was thinking what I was. I am absolutely for teaching manners early on, as I’ve said. It’s the way she’s doing it which winds me (and DH) up, but I accept that there’s no single right way on these things. Anyway, definitely not something that’s going to cause a rift!

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 05/01/2024 16:33

Who cares - end of

Coffeespill · 05/01/2024 16:35

The way to do it is to model it. So thank you grandma for DS's gifts". Did you say thank you?

Shoppingfiend · 05/01/2024 16:37

My mil used to wait for the thank yous all the time. Whilst in the company of her 3adult lazy sons who never thanked her for anything .
How good are Mils manners day to day?? And DH’s- always say please and thank you do they

Mielbee · 05/01/2024 16:40

This would definitely annoy me. I don't think it's the right way to teach manners, agreed. I also hate 'good boy/girl'. What that means is 'compliant' and raising compliant children makes them vulnerable to abuse. I have trained myself not to say that (it's pretty ingrained in our society!) and DH has done the same. I've talked to my mum about it too and she does her best.

My BIL does it a lot and as it's well-meant and not too often that he sees her, we've decided not to make a thing of it. If it comes up naturally we might in the future. So YANBU to find these things annoying, but I'd suggest being circumspect about how you handle it.

WestendGrrls · 05/01/2024 16:41

Making a toddler apologise for spilling a bit of water sounds ridiculous to me, but saying thanks for a present should be encouraged. She sounds a bit old school in her methods though.

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