To wonder why I can’t view abusive ex as an abuser

[JancisBeguildy]

He wasn’t physically abusive although he did physically intimidate me at times in arguments. And he was slightly rough and scary at the time of our breakup. But still never hit me.

Since then, he has harassed me relentlessly and used the children against me. He has behaved extremely badly and I have had a mental health breakdown caused mainly by his treatment of me.

My friends and family hate him with a passion. They all thought he was wonderful when we were together and my family took his side when we first split. But they now loathe him and cannot see any positive side to him at all.

But I have trouble viewing him as abusive even though I would have no problem seeing it that way if it was someone else in my situation. I can’t forget all the good things about him and I feel bad for thinking badly of him. It’s like I cannot see him as an abuser because he’s not completely bad. He was a loving husband in so many ways. I have feelings of pity for him and feelings of guilt for judging him.

Has anyone else felt like this? I only ask because it’s doing my head in. I feel it would be easier if I could just see him as an abuser. The mixed up emotions are really hard to cope with.

I’d think this is probably very common, hence why some people remain with abusive people for so long. Also often abusive people are also very charming and lovable on the other side of the coin. It’s part of an abusers strategy.

I wonder is it maybe painful to think of your past relationship in those terms or painful to think of yourself as a “victim”? Just questions, but I might be of base.

He is really lovely and charming on the surface, yes. He is a very likeable person. And he loves the kids and he did love me very much. He just hasn’t been able to behave well since we split. His behaviour HAS been extremely abusive, I just feel sad about having to think badly of him. It’s painful in itself.