To ask for your NC/LC with family stories?

[TedLassosMoustache]

I’m wondering if it’s time to go no contact or low contact with my family, following another awful Christmas where I have come away feeling devastated at the things they have said to me.

those of you who have done it, what was the final catalyst and how did you manage to do it?

My dh and I are now NC with his parents and have been for 4.5 years. Sadly his siblings have completely disowned us too.
I've been with him for over 20 years and d had just put up with the passive aggressive comments and the gaslighting and the way they treated our children. However I finally snapped after an argument where instead of shutting up I told them how I felt.
I think initially it started off as LC but now it's NC. I don't ever want to see them again and my dh feels the same, however he knows that if he were to change his mind I would be ok with it. Our children are now young adults and sadly have also been ignored by not only their grandparents but their aunts/uncles/cousins. I find that really annoying tbh as they live locally and my children drive but they have decided not to see them.
Overall our lives are so much better. I don't like the fact that we've gone NC but I just couldn't put up with the toxicity anymore. It had started to affect my children too.
It's not easy though

No contact with abusive and neglectful narcissist parents. Moved away for uni 15 years ago and immediately took that opportunity to cut contact and change phone number with mum, she was lost to drink and drugs and was physically and verbally violent, I couldn't see a way forwards for our relationship without compromising my safety. I continued a very difficult and strained relationship with my dad. He got drunk (as usual) and lost his temper screaming at me when I wouldn't take the bait for an argument 1 night. Told me how disapointing I was, how unsatisfying it was having children, to get out of his house etc and a whole heap of awful stuff. So I did. And never went back. Something clicked and I realised you shouldn't have someone in your life that has no love or respect for you.

Really hard to do, and caused me to grieve the loss of those relationships but I also realise I was grieving for the childhood and the parents I wished I could have. I'm much happier and healthier now although took a lot of counselling to work through those emotions and move forwards. Would never consider making contact.

So helpful, thanks! I’m not sure my situation is as extreme so it’s hard to know what to do. But I am certainly being gaslit and every time we’re together I get hurt

I recently went no contact with my sister after years of being low contact.

Long list of reasons really. She has issues with a lot of people both family and others for the same reasons as me.

She has, unfortunately, a nasty, abrasive personality. She is 4 years younger than me and made my life a misery when I still lived at home- just constantly nasty and difficult. She caused no end of stress for our parents with her ways.

As we got older, she constantly wanted to 'borrow' money - off everyone, not just me. She would tell lies to get it from you e.g. 'I've nothing in for the dc tea'. Promise to give it back but then tell endless lies when the time came and basically never return it. Our parents have had years of it and she has been vile to them recently when they asked her to give them back some money they had recently 'lent' her.

I could go on but it's outing. She just isn't a nice person and in the end, I no longer wanted the stress caused by contact with her.

It doesn't have to be extreme for you to rethink how much contact you want. Obviously all families have difficult points but overall time spent with them should make you feel better not worse. If you come away feeling low and hurt perhaps less contact would be a good start and see if that helps. I really recommend talking therapies such as counselling to help you navigate this and work out what your needs and boundaries are.

My friend started low contact recently, realised everytime she saw her very critical mum she would spend days afterward feeling anxious and low in mood, taking all week to recover then would see her again and the cycle would restart. Didn't want to entirely cut contact but tried 3-4 times a year, somewhere neutral like lunch out where she couldn't criticise her home/cleanliness etc and that seemed to help.

It doesn’t always have to be extreme.

I went NC with my brother after he assaulted me on my doorstep and screamed abuse in front of all my neighbours. I now regret the multiple previous times where I considered it, but talked myself into thinking it wasn’t bad enough to merit it

LC with my dad now after several years NC. The final straw was him sending an abusive email to my mum (his ex wife - about 20 years after they split). He wouldn't apologise as he thought he was within his rights to do it and I could continue seeing him as if nothing had happened. Now LC and it's working well.

DH now NC with much of one side of his family as they are all part of a narcissistic family system and very dangerous. Final straw was one person threatening suicide and saying it would be on DH's conscience.

Of course, lots of extra context missing here. I would echo the PP who recommended talking therapy to help work through this. Both DH and I did this to help with our decisions and it was enormously helpful.

It's been 9 glorious years since we saw mil. She dumped us when ds was born. Despite her wanting to be dgm to my dc she didn't want a biological dgc it seemed.. Dh disclosed some awful stuff after.. Fuming I ever let her meet my dc tbh..

Hi op. Searched for this topic myself. Dr shrine campbell has wonderful books on healing after no contact. Should read.