to wonder what answer these men (or women) are expecting?

[micro111938]

I say men in the title because it's mainly my own girl friends with male partners or husbands that I've spoken to in this situation but obviously there will be women who expect the same I'm sure.

I was with a few friends last week and a few of us all happen to live in blended families and have stepchildren. ALL of us seemed to have dealt with this questioning from our partners at some point or another of us "loving our own DC more" and them seemingly taking offense to it.

I've had it myself from DH before in the past, how OBVIOUSLY I care/love/think more about our child etc etc...And honestly my immediate response in my mind is to say WELL DUH?!

I don't understand what answer people expect from this question. I mean I wouldn't be one to usually try and rank love in the day to day etc.. but surely it's not outside of the capability of a partner or spouse to understand that yes obviously (most of the time although I appreciate certain situations are different) someone who isn't your child's parent is likely to love their own child more or in a very different way.

What is the appropriate answer here? I usually just say he's being dramatic when this has ever come up in the past, I'm aware it tends to stem from his own guilt at being a separated parent that occasionally has made him lash out at me in the past. Its obviously very common though. Do people really have this as a genuine expectation of a partner who isn't their child's parent?

I think with men it can be a bit if an ego thing - if you love them you must love their child!

My son has a stepmother and half-siblings and I would never expect her to love mine, who see saw every second weekend from the age of 4, as much as her own. I would have expected his Dad to care as much about all his kids, but he's not that involved in my son's life, his own choice.

In my mind it depends on how long the child has been in your life, if you’ve known a child since they were little and had an active role in raising them, I know that’s not common but surely in those circumstances you’d love them as much as your biological children, in the same way I’m sure adopted children are loved as much as biological children in a family.

Yes I'm sure there will be some scenarios like when the other parent is absent and you've raised the child where it will happen naturally but aside from that, in your typical set up of two involved parents plus step parents I think it's an insane expectation for your partner to love your children as much as the ones you share together.

The step children generally have other people in their lives as well- the mum. Your children have their mum and dad.
Do these guys think their ex’s new partner loves their stepkids the same as their own?

It’s like they think their own DC need to be the centre of everyone else’s life as well- a form of narcissism I think. So their DC get mummy, daddy, step mummy and step daddy all on team, leaving the other DC with just a little less.

Though I’ve seen women expect their DC will be full grandkids after a year with a bloke, having met the new chap’s family a couple of times at best. Madness.

It's seperated Dad guilt, they want their DC to be the centre of your world because that's how they feel. It's a bit like friends with DC who presume because you like them you must also love their DC, I'm kind to their DC, give them good presents and I like them but it's not love

Its a loaded question that is priming an argument.
It goes in the same box as
does my bum look big in this?
and
Do you see anything different?

Ask your DH if he expects his children to love you as much as they do their bio mum……