To not know what to do!!

Trappedmumof3 · 2023-12-29T17:15:11+00:00

To cut a very long story short, I recently found out via a DNA test that my Dad was not my biological father. The test gave me the name of my actual biological father, who lives in Australia and must be in his late 60s or 70s. He was a sperm donor in the mid 1970s for a fertility hospital in London that my parents went to. He must have registered his details on the ancestry.com website and done a DNA test for his name to have come up as a 100% guaranteed link to me. I have no desire to contact him to establish a relationship or anything like that, but I feel that he might be pleased to hear that his 'donation' resulted in a child and made my parents very happy. What would you do? Contact him or leave well alone?? I just can't decide!! Thanks

WhateverMate · 29/12/2023 17:16

Leave it if you don't want a relationship.

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 17:16

You dont want to contact him, so dont.

Lighrbulbmo · 29/12/2023 17:17

I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to find out more. Only you can decide what’s good for you.

Notimeforaname · 29/12/2023 17:17

I have no desire to contact him to establish a relationship or anything like that, but I feel that he might be pleased to hear that his 'donation' resulted in a child and made my parents very happy.

You have no idea that it would make him happy. He is a stranger to you and you have no desire to speak to him.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/12/2023 17:18

He will also have received a "match" email about you, remember...

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 17:18

I can't understand why you would contact unless you want a relationship.

halfmice · 29/12/2023 17:19

I absolutely wouldn’t contact, could be anybody! And might have hundreds of kids out there. Up to you though.

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 17:19

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/12/2023 17:18

He will also have received a "match" email about you, remember...

Gosh, that seems really invasive - is there no option not to have an email sent?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/12/2023 17:21

Don’t contact if you don’t wNt a relationship / he knows he donated sperm he knows it could have resulted in a child, no need to tell him that.

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/12/2023 17:22

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 17:19

Gosh, that seems really invasive - is there no option not to have an email sent?

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Now, that I do not know! I only know that I'm with Ancestry and get email alerts for matches (most of them 3rd or 4th cousin, but one thrilling "close match" that turned out to be my first cousin whom I'm already in touch with!) relatively often. I get the name and their location.

Createausername1970 · 29/12/2023 17:22

One outcome might be that you are not the only person created from his donation. How would you feel about potential half-siblings?

Lammveg · 29/12/2023 17:23

I think the fact he's signed up for the site and was a sperm donor suggests he's open to be contacted. You could always message him but make it clear you're not looking for a relationship.

SophieJo · 29/12/2023 17:25

He was purely a donor. Your parents are the important people in your life.

Original poster

Trappedmumof3 · 29/12/2023 17:31

My parents have both now passed on so my relationship with them is unaffected by this

OP posts:

Original poster

Trappedmumof3 · 29/12/2023 17:33

Would he have had a message about me being a link then? I don't know how that side of the ancestry website works...

OP posts:

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 17:34

Leave it alone

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 17:35

Awwww…I’d collect a few family childhood photos and send a thank you note, saying ‘wasn’t expecting this from Match as I had no idea I came from a donor but I’d love you to know that the random decision you made fifty years ago gave my parents a huge amount of joy and resulted in a happy family that have lived a full life. Not expecting any response but wanted to let you know.’

Icelandic9 · 29/12/2023 17:40

Contact him if you'd like too

He can either reply or ignore you

If you're not interested in a relationship it won't really matter either way if he replies or not

Delassalle · 29/12/2023 17:51

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 17:35

Awwww…I’d collect a few family childhood photos and send a thank you note, saying ‘wasn’t expecting this from Match as I had no idea I came from a donor but I’d love you to know that the random decision you made fifty years ago gave my parents a huge amount of joy and resulted in a happy family that have lived a full life. Not expecting any response but wanted to let you know.’

I thinks that's the right approach as he wouldn't have signed up on the site.

Perhaps he's reached an age where he has more time to reflect on what he did as a young man by donating speed and would love to know that he did good.

soscarlet · 29/12/2023 17:58

As the parent of a donor conceived child - I think you should tread very carefully. The man may have signed up in order to be available to genetic relatives if they want to contact him, or it could’ve been such a brief time in his life, at a time when anonymity was promised, that he’s not given offspring any thought and got on the website to discover his own heritage. Give yourself time to think over what you want to happen if you make contact, what you’ll feel if that does happen, and what you could feel if the opposite happens.

I’m sorry you found out you're donor conceived in this way. It was normal in the past to keep it a secret (parents were told by the clinics not to tell their children!) I recommend contacting the Donor Conception Network, they have a lot of resources and advice.

WhateverMate · 29/12/2023 18:04

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 17:35

Awwww…I’d collect a few family childhood photos and send a thank you note, saying ‘wasn’t expecting this from Match as I had no idea I came from a donor but I’d love you to know that the random decision you made fifty years ago gave my parents a huge amount of joy and resulted in a happy family that have lived a full life. Not expecting any response but wanted to let you know.’

Why would the OP do that while telling him she doesn't want a relationship?

It's very likely the OP isn't his only donor child anyway, so he probably knows he's been successful at some point.

WhateverMate · 29/12/2023 18:07

Trappedmumof3 · 29/12/2023 17:31

My parents have both now passed on so my relationship with them is unaffected by this

Sorry to ask, but I'm just curious how you know he was a sperm donor for a hospital that your parents went to in London in the mid 1970s, if your parents have passed and you haven't contacted him?

VickyEadieofThigh · 29/12/2023 20:32

WhateverMate · 29/12/2023 18:07

Sorry to ask, but I'm just curious how you know he was a sperm donor for a hospital that your parents went to in London in the mid 1970s, if your parents have passed and you haven't contacted him?

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Good question.

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 23:53

WhateverMate · 29/12/2023 18:04

Why would the OP do that while telling him she doesn't want a relationship?

It's very likely the OP isn't his only donor child anyway, so he probably knows he's been successful at some point.

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I was saying what I’d do in that situation, not what the OP might want to do. Not up to me to decide that or try and work out what they might want to do. I can only say what I would want to do. Telling someone that their decision years ago had a knock on effect that brought happiness to a lot of people (OPs parents, OP, her family etc)…that’s a nice thing to do. Random loveliness for the sake of it, expecting nothing in return. Why not?

AlwaysForksAndMarbles · 29/12/2023 23:57

LaughingCat · 29/12/2023 23:53

I was saying what I’d do in that situation, not what the OP might want to do. Not up to me to decide that or try and work out what they might want to do. I can only say what I would want to do. Telling someone that their decision years ago had a knock on effect that brought happiness to a lot of people (OPs parents, OP, her family etc)…that’s a nice thing to do. Random loveliness for the sake of it, expecting nothing in return. Why not?

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There were good reasons why sperm donation is anonymous. I would tread carefully.