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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disabled brothers future

47 replies

Namechangedforthisssss · 29/12/2023 15:48

I have an older brother who is severely schizophrenic with moderate LDs. He’s in his late 40s and is still living at home with our elderly parents. The situation unfortunately is unsustainable. He has completely fallen through the net with regards to any help or support etc. DM recently admitted that his money is running out (he doesn’t claim any benefits that I’m aware of.) Unfortunately my parents have their heads in the sand with what will happen to him when they are gone. All they say is that I will “have a lot to sort out” I have offered to get them a carers assessment/social worker/to apply for PIP but they always say that my brother would have to suggest that himself. Their health is now failing and DB is in a very bad way. WIBU to call social services? I don’t think they would forgive me if I did.

OP posts:
mottytotty · 29/12/2023 15:50

Yes, call SS. They can’t expect you to pick up from where they leave off. You deserve a life too.

StrawberryWater · 29/12/2023 15:51

They expect you to take over their role as parent / enabler.

Don’t fall into the trap. Call SS and tell your parents in no uncertain terms that your his sister not his carer.

JennieTheZebra · 29/12/2023 15:53

I’m a MH nurse. Which team is he currently under? Does he take medication or have a psychiatrist? Is his schizophrenia currently well managed?

TulipCat · 29/12/2023 15:53

Absolutely start getting the wheels in motion for his care. They can't have it both ways - expect you to be responsible for his arrangements yet also not want you to make sustainable ones.

sesquipedalian · 29/12/2023 15:54

I don’t think you have a choice, OP - what if something happens to one of your parents? Could the other manage your brother on their own? You have to have a plan for what would happen to your brother, if he is not capable of looking after himself. I think your parents are being very short-sighted, in not wanting to make some sort of long-term plan for him, so unfortunately I think it falls in you to contact social services and explain the situation to them.

PermanentTemporary · 29/12/2023 15:59

Does your DB have a GP? When you say 'db is in a bad way' what do you mean? Why is his money running out now - do they mean their money?

It sounds as if they have not had the energy to engage for a long time. That's understandable but frightening.

I think if you are worried that your brother is deteriorating either physically or mentally, go over there, call 111 or his GP and get advice. 111 can take a long time to get through to but they do have some mental health staffing at times. It might be if you take action that your parents don't have the energy to stop you.

Hermittrismegistus · 29/12/2023 16:05

What do you think social services will do? They can't force your brother or parents to accept help.

JennieTheZebra · 29/12/2023 16:13

@Hermittrismegistus they can if they judge that the brother lacks capacity (mental capacity act) or if they judge that he has a treatable mental illness which is currently not being managed in a way that is conductive to his ‘health or safety’ or that of someone else at direct risk (mental health act). Honestly, I don’t know if either or both apply but it would be possible to compel the brother in the right circumstances.

auntyElle · 29/12/2023 16:26

Requesting a carers' assessment is their choice, and does not need your brother's consent. I think you need to tell them that you won't be taking over (or not unless every source of support has already been accepted?). Follow up in writing. They don't get to bequeath his issues to you.

TrinityTinselToes · 29/12/2023 16:38

Hell No

YANBU at all

BrassOlive · 29/12/2023 16:42

OP there is an excellent charity for the siblings of people with disabilities, called Sibs. They are a great source of emotional and practical support, I can guarantee they'll have met people in your scenario before.

UnbeatenMum · 29/12/2023 16:47

I don't think you would be unreasonable to call social services and ask for an adult social care assessment. Are you able to have a conversation directly with your brother and see if he's open to the idea, and/or to you applying for PIP? Are you able to get copies of any paperwork relating to his diagnoses/conditions?

greentreez23 · 29/12/2023 16:48

My parents did similar. My brother ruled the roost and my mum was scared of him when she died as a very old lady. It was a total shit show. Get Social services involved.

SENDhelp2023 · 29/12/2023 16:49

Your parents are being very UR! Yes call ss

Brefugee · 29/12/2023 16:49

in reply to "you will have a lot to sort out" I'm afraid i would be saying "nope, we are sorting it out now"

And to drive the point home I'd be giving them the book about Swedish Death Cleaning. Make sure, OP, that you will in no way be considered responsible for your brother after your parents' deaths. This is not on you.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 29/12/2023 16:59

Does your brother have any capacity to make decisions for himself? This is important as it will determine whether you (as a family) can get power of attorney through the court of protection to make financial decisions for him including applying for benefits, signing housing leases etc. if the answer is yes then you need to speak to social services and at the same time apply to the court of protection, it takes time but once in place you can then make financial decisions on his behalf.

If he does have capacity then social services will need to be told firmly that he needs to move out of your parents house (give a set date of 3 months I suggest) and that they need to take control, you as private individuals could evict him but better to do a managed handover. They will have experience of situations like this, you are far from alone. Make it clear from the start with social services that you cannot provide housing or care for your brother though you can say you are willing to be his financial guardian if he eligible for court of protection as above - this means you can pay bills from his funds on his behalf and give him an allowance if he can't manage his money

WonderingAboutThus · 29/12/2023 17:02

Wow, never seen 80 unanimous votes here before. That says all you need to know.

Best of luck.

placemats · 29/12/2023 17:02

How elderly are your parents and what medical issues do they have?

Is your brother taking medication for his schizophrenia?

Certainly you should call social services and also remember he is your brother. I feel for siblings who have a disabled sibling, it's very concerning but in calling social services you will be involved in every aspect.

Hermittrismegistus · 29/12/2023 17:05

Are you the OP of the other thread where you say your brother doesn't actually have any diagnosed conditions?

Original poster
Namechangedforthisssss · 29/12/2023 17:07

Hermittrismegistus · 29/12/2023 17:05

Are you the OP of the other thread where you say your brother doesn't actually have any diagnosed conditions?

No, not me, my brother was diagnosed many years ago as schizophrenic/moderate to severe LDs.

OP posts:
RobertJohnsonsShoes · 29/12/2023 17:13

Social worker here. Get on the phone to social services. A contingency plan is needed, if there isn't one the. Your brother will have less choices if for whatever reason his main carers can't care for him anymore. Even if your parents don't want involvement, it's not their decision. If he lacks capacity to make decisions about the future it's not their decision unless they have some form of legal authority.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 29/12/2023 17:13

I would ensure your brother is under the care of a mental health service for his psychosis, appropriate to his level of intellectual ability. When you say LD - do you mean moderate to severe Learning Disability eg Intellectual Disability with an IQ in 50s or below, who requires full support with all activities of daily living? Or do you mean moderate to severe learning difficulties eg a man who may struggle to navigate money, to new locations etc but can do some familiar daily things solo?

Do you think he has financial/welfare capacity? If not, a guardianship order will save you a world of drama when your parents are no longer around.

Midnightgrey · 29/12/2023 17:15

Your parents are being ostrich-like about this. I mean it's commendable that they have dedicated their lives to him but there is no reason for you to dedicate the next thirty years of your life to him as well. Let's face it, if you didn't exist some provision would have to be made. I mean as a parent I would feel responsibility but I wouldn't expect a sibling to necessarily step up for years of care.

Tacotortoise · 29/12/2023 17:19

What your parents are doing (head in the sand) is unkind to you and downright cruel to your brother. He won't even have a pension in old age if his NI payments aren't made. What are they expecting him to do exactly?

Please call adult services. You may not get far but, if you care about your brother even a little bit and care enough about yourself to not just want to take over from your parents when they pass, you need to start making a noise.

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 17:31

Yea of course call social care, as you say the situation is not sustainable and they need to get something sorted.

they will forgive you. I’m assuming you play quite an important part in their life so they’d really scree themselves over if they cut you off because of it.

You do need to be clear that they need to prepare things for themselves and DB because you will so be doing it all for DB if they become unable to. All that will happen if they don’t sort care for DB out is he will get shoddy emergency care and they’ll be not choice but to accept.