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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ask ex for more?

13 replies

munms1020 · 29/12/2023 15:46

in an unusual situation with my ex where we still get on well and laugh a lot but I would absolutely never go back there (long story). He sees dd once a week and sometimes stays over so he has longer with her. She’s only 16 months so I’ve always been around really (we split when she was only a month old). He pays more than he needs to, he will buy the odd thing now and then on top, if she needs new socks or something or a new toy he just gets it and doesn’t quibble over things like that.

He does try and show he cares for my welfare and will ask if I’m ok if dd has been unwell etc. And here’s the but… it infuriates me that he doesn’t do more. I wanted 50/50 care and separate finances. He took a job bloody miles away after she was born and so he can’t realistically be around in the week. I feel like anything he does never matches actually caring for dd so I have a break. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable as obviously he makes the effort with her and isn’t petty about providing for her etc but all I really want is for him to let me have a bit of my life back. I don’t know what I’m asking really. Would you ask more of him?

OP posts:
mottytotty · 29/12/2023 15:48

Yes, he should do more.

What do you want for him to have dd more? Could he take her for a few weeks in the summer?

Original poster
munms1020 · 29/12/2023 15:49

@mottytotty he won’t do anything like that because he never takes time off work. I guess I want him to be in charge of her alone for a day/night so I can do my own thing. He always insists we do things together

OP posts:
Dotjones · 29/12/2023 15:50

Remember if he had her 50/50 he would no longer have to pay you any maintenance. You probably knew that but some people don't.

Whaleandsnail6 · 29/12/2023 15:51

I think you need to tell him he needs to get a closer job so that he can be more 50 50 care. And that whilst he thinks he is supportive now,its not the kind of support you need and that he needs to step up and be a more involved in the day to day care kind of dad.

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 15:52

munms1020 · 29/12/2023 15:49

@mottytotty he won’t do anything like that because he never takes time off work. I guess I want him to be in charge of her alone for a day/night so I can do my own thing. He always insists we do things together

You need to nip that in the bud.

Tell him dd needs to have her own separate relationship with him.

Start off by not letting him stay anymore.

And then he needs to start taking dd out on his own.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 29/12/2023 15:53

I think you need to pick your battles and this isn't one of them

Original poster
munms1020 · 29/12/2023 15:54

@WhatsInStoreFor2024 what do you mean?

OP posts:
NWQM · 29/12/2023 16:01

You have been lovely and working in the best interests of your DD in facilitating the contact but stop. Now your DD is older it is perfectly reasonable to ask for a routine for her .....which gives you a routine for too but I would frame it as being for her. Sleep overs need to stop as this too is confusing. Does he presumably not have anywhere to stay locally? It's very reasonable that you ask about future plans. His buying of extras could stop for multiple reasons so being worried about that is a red herring I think.

Original poster
munms1020 · 29/12/2023 16:04

@NWQM i did mention this to him and he said she knows no different so if he stays in the spare room to see her then it’s fine. I am ok with that side of it as it seems silly to spend on a hotel but it’s just the fact I am literally never getting a break as I have to do everything with them both

OP posts:
NWQM · 29/12/2023 18:47

Are you happy to do it forever? What happens when you met someone else? You would like a break surely this can only be achieved by him having your DD somewhere else. If he is your guest you have to buy default host.

Poorlycatadvicewanted · 29/12/2023 18:50

Im assuming you are ok to leave him at yours alone as he sleeps over so, For now..... can you go out and leave them home together or to do whatever. Disappear for the day/night.

Deathbyfluffy · 29/12/2023 18:51

Whaleandsnail6 · 29/12/2023 15:51

I think you need to tell him he needs to get a closer job so that he can be more 50 50 care. And that whilst he thinks he is supportive now,its not the kind of support you need and that he needs to step up and be a more involved in the day to day care kind of dad.

The OP has no right to dictate his working life - she’s his ex.
The only thing that matters is if the child is being taken care of - if he’s not physically there, he simply can’t do hands on in the week.

All you can do is ask him, but if he’s building a career he’s unlikely to just bin it off because the OP wants more childcare.

LittleOwl153 · 29/12/2023 18:56

Does dd go to nursery? If she doesn't I'd consider putting her in 2-3 days a week and asking him to pay for that. Then he is at least sharing the working week.

In terms of getting some space from them, I'd say from now on you'll be taking every other Saturday during the day and he either needs to take her out or you go out and leave him to it - with a view to him having her for the weekend every other weekend when she's a bit older.

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