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Original poster

Patronising Work Colleague

12 replies

Pusheen467 · 29/12/2023 13:48

More of a WWYD

I'm in my early 30s and last year a man in his mid 20s joined our company. We've always gotten along very well and I was puzzled when other female work colleagues said they didn't like him and found him patronizing.

But then this summer he trained me to do some new tasks as I'm shifting roles slightly and ever since then he has started speaking to me like I'm a complete idiot. Things like "Do you understand? Are you following? You don't have to say yes if you don't understand you know", asking if I have written my notes in a way that I will later understand (it was shorthand), expressing great surprise that I managed to get a task right the first time and basically doing a Ross Gellar impression with his hands "I would have wanted you to be up here at this point but you're actually down here" then telling me "that's not what he meant" when I said I was happy to start doing the tasks unsupervised if he felt I should be doing so by this point. FYI I started doing the work without him checking after that and have managed just fine.

It's like since he trained me the dynamic has shifted and he now has no respect for me. He must be aware on some level that he's doing it because there are senior (or male) members of staff that I know he wouldn't dare speak to like that. I've spent the whole Christmas stewing about it but I feel that if I say something it will make things awkward and we have to work together in the same department (it's a small company). FYI it's not at all that I have a problem with a younger person being more knowledgeable than me - I'm happy to learn from him but I don't want to be spoken down to like that. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pusheen467 · 29/12/2023 15:26

Anyone?

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 15:28

What would I do?

I'd probably tell him not to be so patronising.

Or actually I'd find a fault in his work and patronise him back.

Original poster
Pusheen467 · 29/12/2023 15:30

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 15:28

What would I do?

I'd probably tell him not to be so patronising.

Or actually I'd find a fault in his work and patronise him back.

He makes plenty of mistakes actually but if I pick up on them I point them out politely because I'm apparently a huge mug. I've been working on being more assertive but I'm finding this one difficult for some reason.

OP posts:
HootyMcBoob · 29/12/2023 15:31

Frankly, I'd tell him to stop talking like a twat. Remind him that he isn't speaking to a 5 year old.

rainbowbee · 29/12/2023 15:33

You start speaking to him in the indulgent way that you speak to a toddler who's excited to show you something.
'Yes, that's right! Very good! Well done!'

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 15:33

But then this summer he trained me to do some new tasks as I'm shifting roles slightly and ever since then he has started speaking to me like I'm a complete idiot. Things like "Do you understand? Are you following? You don't have to say yes if you don't understand you know", asking if I have written my notes in a way that I will later understand (it was shorthand), expressing great surprise that I managed to get a task right the first time and basically doing a Ross Gellar impression with his hands "I would have wanted you to be up here at this point but you're actually down here" then telling me "that's not what he meant" when I said I was happy to start doing the tasks unsupervised if he felt I should be doing so by this point. FYI I started doing the work without him checking after that and have managed just fine

Next time he did that I'd let him finish, wait for 30 seconds, look him in the eye and ask 'Is there a reason you're talking to me as if I'm a complete idiot and if so can you tell me what it is?'

But I'm 69 and give no fucks.

DoneByWeds · 29/12/2023 15:42

I would be tempted to ask him if he would like some feedback on his mentoring/training style.

Then I would say things like:

"I found it helpful when you did X, Y, Z"

"I would prefer it if you give me more space to learn in my way and let me come to you to check my understanding if I need to"

And then finish off with an offer to help mentor him in something that he might need some help with.

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 15:55

I’d have a word with his manager.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 16:00

mottytotty · 29/12/2023 15:55

I’d have a word with his manager.

That as well if you don't like my option 😀I have to say, that if he thinks you're not getting what he's telling you then he isn't doing a very good job of training you. The stuff with the hands would give me the rage.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/12/2023 16:04

Oh yeah I'd tell him, it sounds as if he thinks this is how you train people and so the feedback would be highly useful to him.

If he does not take constructive feedback well then go to his manager etc.

Original poster
Pusheen467 · 29/12/2023 16:04

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain No I absolutely loved your response! 😂The thing he was showing me wasn't complex so I don't know why he would assume I don't understand. Well, other than the fact that he clearly thinks I'm stupid.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 16:17

Pusheen467 · 29/12/2023 16:04

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain No I absolutely loved your response! 😂The thing he was showing me wasn't complex so I don't know why he would assume I don't understand. Well, other than the fact that he clearly thinks I'm stupid.

If you use mine, look him slowly up and down before saying your piece for maximum shrivelling effect. 😁

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