to feel like I just can't start over at 53?

[BlastedPimples]

Just finalising a divorce after a 20 year marriage the end of which was marred by lots of adultery (his), violence (his) and the mysterious disappearance of a lot of money (by him). It's gone. I have nothing.

I don't have a career. 4 dcs aged from 18 down to 11. Don't live in U.K. anymore. Don't want to for now as kids all settled in school. I don't think I would get any assistance with housing or anything in U.K. anyway as we've been out of the country for five years.

But whilst I have a part time job working for a charity - which I loathe but it pays for groceries and some bills - I just feel that at my age, I am well and truly shafted. Financially, career wise, damaged goods emotionally.

I'm not afraid of hard work. I just don't know which way to turn. Which path to take. Graft doesn't bother me but I would like to put my graft towards building something solid. I am clearly still in a bit of a tizz and can't really think straight anyway.

Perhaps I'm just tired and a bit defeated. Or being a wet blanket.

AIBU? And if I am, do chuck some solid advice in too not just a kicking!

What if instead of thinking you are at the end of a career and life as you know it, you gave yourself permission to be at the beginning of ANY possibility? You can literally do anything you want right now! Want to bartend in the Virgin islands? Go for it! Start a bartending job now and move when the kids are all grown. Want to start your own business? Take that TEFLand teach kids virtually online. Want to try a hand at a new career? Keep your job and go back to school part time and find something you love!

UK

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Knowledgablemama, great post!

You sound like a strong and capable woman to me from your post.

I don’t have any practical advice as without more details of where you are or your set up it is tricky.

Accounting is a good solid option OP, but only if you have some affinity with it. It can be difficult to work in a field you’re not ‘a natural’ in (I know as I did retrain as a data analyst in my late 40s when I divorced). I don’t really agree with the ‘follow your passion’ idea as this can leave people short of financial security, and you need that raising your kids.

If AAT quals can be used in your country that’s great as they are recognised in UK if you move back. Also consider project management quals maybe. Or get one or two sessions with a career coach who can help you review your existing skills and aptitudes - I bet you have loads of strengths you can apply at work.

Were you not able to get legal help in the jurisdiction in which you live to enable you to come through the divorce with a fair settlement allowing you to consider returning to the UK?

I wonder whether you could apply for a course at University for next autumn and make plans to come back next summer.

January is such a good time to contemplate in my opinion. Maybe give yourself some space to think and see what you’re drawn to, think about putting it into practice over the spring (if you’re northern hemisphere of course)?

Don't look at the whole big picture of The Future.

Break it down into manageable chunks.

Make a plan.

Have an idea of an end goal akdbthen look at it in terms of - where do younwant to be this time next year? What do you need to do to achieve that? Break it down into long term (next year), medium term (next month) and short term (today to next week). What can you do to make the next step thloo the next goal?

Looking at the whoe thing in one go is overwhelming!

I was in almost exactly your position a year ago.

My advice is to be kinder to yourself.

You will naturally feel that you have to get your act together asap and if you're anything like me you'll berate yourself for everything that seems like a failure to do so. But the fact is that getting back on your feet after an avalanche of life shit takes time, and is very often a two steps forward and one step back kind of thing. But you will get there.

You need a plan as regards working and earning and it sounds like you've got some starting points to work with, but ime it will take longer than you think to get to a point where you're supporting yourself successfully. Remind yourself that this is normal, and not because you're useless or a failure or a wet blanket. You will get there, but it takes time.

Emotionally, you're in a tough place. There will be days when you think you're really going to be fine actually, and then there will be days when you feel like everything's a pile of crap and always will be. Again, this is normal given what's happened, and not your fault or a reflection on you or your value as a person. And it will pass. Things will get better. The good days will become more numerous, the bad days will become a manageable, transient thing.

You are at the beginning of a journey, and it will take you somewhere better but it will take time, so again: my advice is to be kinder to yourself. Stop with the 'damaged goods' talk. You are quite rightly in pain and feeling overwhelmed right now, but eventually you will come to see this time as having helped form the strong, capable, independent woman you are on the road to becoming.

@DepartureLounge thank you for your reply.

Thing is though, divorce proceedings have been going on for 10 months now. We are nearly there with the financial settlement etc.

But I feel like I have taken too long or am taking too long to formulate a plan.

How do I retrain with working and four kids and four dogs. I mean I only work 20 hours at moment but still I feel overwhelmed at times.

Also how do I even begin to find out where I should focus my energies on. Is there a way? A process I can follow? I think I need handholding a lot more than I thought.

Any scope for dog walking/sitting/boarding? If you have 4 dogs you presumably know how to manage groups of them? obviously depends where you are, but it would be flexible, family-friendly and doesn't require start-up costs (or at least, not many). Perhaps something to research for the New Year. Or working with/for someone doing something similar. Good luck. You can get through this - definitely not too late to start over.

This might help with providing something of a process to follow, OP:

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Color-Your-Parachute-2023/dp/1984861204

@Flamerouge I'd thought of that but I am a bit overwhelmed by dogs at mo. I don't enjoy being a dog owner tbh. Stbxh wanted them.

Can you afford therapy? I couldn't, but I've been doing it anyway and have found it worth its weight in gold, in terms of sifting through the feelings and figuring out what the priorities are, and how to approach them. If stbx was treating you badly for some time, it would also be very valuable just to have someone who totally listens to you and has your best interests at heart.

Happy new year btw.

Hi @BlastedPimples … I didn’t catch this when you first posted but since you’re still responding. I’ll add my small bit.

I am half filled with self doubt and lack of direction is all and it paralyses me.

Pick a direction… it doesn’t matter if it’s right or wrong, just go and stop overthinking it.

Will the direction/job/career pay as much as you’re making now? -good no downside.

Can you change your mind down the road? -yes
Will you be better off than you are now? -probably

Momentum is real… it’s no different if you are starting out or starting over.

I was looking at AAT accountancy course.

I feel like it would stand me in very good stead. I feel like I could work well with rules, regulations and structure. And I feel like it's what I need in my life too. Some order. Regularity. Predictability.

I could work as a bookkeeper or even eventually as an accountant. The qualification pathway looks steady and doable.