In laws - emotional claustropobia?

[Willsheorwontshe]

My in laws make me feel emotionally claustrophobic. Best way i can describe it. Started when we got engaged in 2018- they were just really overbearing. Had to put in some boundaries very politely, which went as well as it could, yet, having just told them we are expecting, I'm getting these same feelings again.I'm terrified of what their expectations might be. I make much effort but MIL is really serious, always making comments about not seeing us enough, is really intense and I just feel that underneath she hates that I've put boundaries in place and wishes he'd married the girl next door rather than me perhaps. My biggest fear is that I'm going to lose it with MIL one day (she does overstep the mark at times). Does anyone else get these kind of feelings and how do you not let it get to you? How do I accept them for what they are and not let them get to me? I struggle to embrace them and not feel overwhelmed and panicky.

@SutWytTi I was the one who sat them down early on and told them they needed to cool off with us, because it was my issue and I felt I needed to take responsibility for it.

Thanks for the advice in the second message. It is consuming me at what should be a really happy time. It was much the same when we got married, I'm just such a worrier, but I did stand up and say my bit to them after we got married and that did help put boundaries in. Istill have to put those boubdaries in all the rime though. I'm just worried that this time, with being pregnant I might have a melt down with her that's all.

@Sparkletastic no DH is the eldest of 3 brothers. Whilst he only met me later in life he had a LTR for 10 years and owned his own house forbthe same amount of time.e, so not like he didn't get some independence from PILs.

@Loopytiles I have had many difficult conversations with DH, which have just been horrid. It's really been the only issue we've faced. He is supporting me, but I'm conscious that it is his parents. It's so difficult.

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob yes she does have my number. After the main chat I had with them about pressuring us to go round so much, I have tried hard with the relationship to make it a success, but still have to put in boundaries all the time.

Upgrade your phone /have it sent off for repair. Any excuse to change your number. Then do not give them the number.. Or block them please.. Your mh depends on it. You are not responsible for their feelings or managing relationships..

Stop trying.

Whatever you do, it won't be enough for her.

So stop trying. It will be liberating.

This is not your issue! The primary issue here is now your H. You shouldn’t be the one having conversations with his parents or the only one setting the boundaries.

My siblings and I faced a similar issue re my parents in past relationships and with my H in my 20s/30s, although my parents were nowhere near as bad as your MiL sounds! fell out with partners over it, I didn’t ‘see’ the issues and it was easier to do what I always had, to the detriment of my other relationships. DH was upfront about it being a problem. Having DC1 brought a lot to light and - after many difficult discussions with DH - I made significant changes.

Your H is not truly ‘supporting you’ or ‘balancing’: he’s not addressing the issue - in his late 40s he’s still doing a lot of what his mother wants and prioritising that over your marriage.

I get you OP, my MIL is just as needy and demanding of our time. She lives over an hour's drive away and she still used to pop in uninvited with some dumb excuses, her best was "I've made cake and though DH would like some", while the cake was obviously bought from a bakery in our village. My DH is good at setting boundaries over text or on the phone, but seemingly incapable of telling her no when she's in front of him (because "she means well", I'll scream if I have to hear it one more time). It came to a point when we hid in our own house, pretending we're not home, to teach her to at least call ahead... She climbed the (admittedly low) fence and looked though the windows, wild times. The family all seem fine with it and praise her for caring, and she's always telling everyone how involved she is in everything we do... She regularly tried to re-order things in our house, because she obviously knows best and is just trying to help ("she means well"... Scream).

Anyway, I started replying really late to all her texts and never pick up the phone. I leave it all unread and reply a day or two later, mostly with "will have to discuss with DH, we're really busy right now". It's great for disengaging and my mental health, and if DH agrees to some bullshit (like being invited to see her new doors, no it can't wait till Christmas, it's two weeks away) he can go without me. I go with him on the important dates like birthdays and holidays, but I'm not driving there and back once a week to drink coffee and listen to stories about neighbours I don't even know. Other favourite topic are racist jokes and commenting on other people's lives and choices.

You're not alone OP. Try laughing about it and make sure to stick to your boundaries when the baby comes because she will try to walk all over you.