To still sleep when ds1 goes out all night?

[Pleasehelpmefindagoodusername]

Just that. Dh works nights and so has never really worried about it. Weve both been off this week. Just lately my ds1 aged 18 has started staying out till late at night mostly the early hours sometimes later. I have stopped staying awake worrying about him. I still worry ofcourse but I don't stay up. If I get up in the night to go to the toilet I check if he's in his bed but I can't stay up all night. Ive been there done that and the tiredness made me ill. I even fell asleep at work once

Last night my son went out. My husband got up at 4am to go toilet saw he wasn't home couldn't get hold of him and stayed up until he got home at 5am. All day my dh has been reminding me that I slept through it all and I didn't ever know he hadn't come home. Keeps doing impressions of me sleeping says I was snoring my head off without a care in the world. Keeps inferring I didn care. I am not a bad mum for sleeping last night. Am I?

At 18 he is an adult. If he was at uni or living aline you wouldn't be able to keep tabs on when he was home.

Sleep when you need it. Your DH sounds like an idiot with that sarky comment

It’s not like your DH stayed up all night is it? If he hadn’t got up to use the loo he would have been blissfully unaware your child hadn’t come home too.

Your son is an adult. Of course it is ok to sleep. Even if you were awake, there is nothing you could have done had something happened to him when he was out of the house,
I am 40 and my granny still stays up to wait for me when I visit and go out with friends. I have to call her in the evening to make sure she goes to bed. I guess you never really grow up in your parent’s eyes but seriously, there is zero point in staying awake.
ETA your husband is probably just pulling your leg. He is not seriously implying you are a bad mum. Join in with the joke or ask him to stop.

At first I stayed awake when DS was going out at night. Then I realised that when he went to uni I wouldn’t gave a clue what he was doing at any time.

Like you, check when I go to the loo. I’ve found him asleep on the sofa at 4am and turned out the lights, by 8am he’s disappeared into bed.

He’s just finished his first term at uni. He messages a few times a week. I know he’s often out until 3am. I can’t keep track of him all the time- he’s an adult.

Of course you should sleep! What would it achieve for you to be up all night worrying, about an adult man too? Ridiculous.

He's a grown up, he could be in the army, in his own home or at uni. Of course you should sleep, what's to be achieved by staying up all night? Your husband is being ridiculous

Your dh is being ridiculous. Why on earth is it your responsibility? The only reason your dh got up was because he needed the toilet.

My parents never stayed up waiting, I used to enjoy coming home to a hot water bottle in my bed at 3am 🥰

I used to try to stay awake when dd went out but fell asleep because I was so tired waiting up. She goes out through the week sometimes and I have to be up for work.

If something were to happen, it’s going to happen whether we’re awake or asleep.

Used to have an agreement with my children when they got to the stage of staying out late. They left their bedroom doors open when they went out, then, when they got back, they closed them so I knew, when I got up to the loo, if they were home. No, I didn't stay up waiting for them!

Weird attitude from your husband - he went to bed before your son got in so presumably was unconcerned enough to be able to sleep while son was still out. So why is he having a go at you? Also, how come he doesn't know that son stays out all night fairly frequently? It's absolutely normal btw as well as being absolutely normal for you not to stay up waiting for him, but odd that the two of you have never spoken about it.

Dh works nights. But yes we have spoke about it. I do think he had imagined though that I didn't really sleep until he was home. Which was the case at first but I just could keep that up I'm afraid

Shit I hope my Mum didn't do this! I look back now and realise how selfish I was, days before mobile phones. I did usually say I was staying at my best friend's house, which I did mostly, then rock up at home after a hangover lie in. Guess she trusted me, my Dad was working long shifts as a police officer so wasn't as aware. Time of reckoning with my own DC and their teenage years to come...

Yes my husband definitely isn't as aware due to working nights even though I've spoken about it to him

DS is 19 and is having a gap year. We’ve had a less stressful couple of months and a very peaceful Christmas because he had surgery on his shoulder and wasn’t keen to go out at all.
He was able to remove the sling that immobilised his arm for 6wks yesterday. He hasn’t been able to drive or do much at all.
I have really only just started to sleep better when he goes out, he hasn’t been able to work due to having surgery so has no money, he had an allowance while still at school but that stops in the new year when he’s expected to find a job until he goes to uni.

Unfortunately he was spiked at the beginning of the year and ended up injuring himself, he had somehow managed to get a taxi home and we found him on the front lawn rolling around at 3am. We then spent the rest of the night in A&E, not something I want to repeat. As a consequence I do worry and struggle to settle until he arrives home. He has become much more sensible, the injury he sustained, although not serious impacted on his life short term. He is considerate and now makes sure that he texts me if he is staying out for the night and crashing at a friend’s house.

To be honest I’m looking forward to him going to uni, I will have no idea what he’s up to so can hopefully sleep better.

doing impressions of me sleeping says I was snoring my head off without a care in the world. Keeps inferring I didn care.

This is really shitty and your h needs to stop that right now. He sounds like an unhelpful bellend.

What did he do in that hour that he waited up for him? Call the police, go out looking? Would it have changed anything? No probably not!

Please try to sleep, it's hard, every parent of young adults has to adapt to this new phase of life but I can assure you it gets easier. We have girls who know the rules, if you go out and weren't planning on being out after 11pm but decide to stay out later or sleep over at a friends you send a text, I you bring a friend home you send a text so we aren't surprised in the morning!

Tried to ring him apparently. Ds said he was constantly spamming him with calls when he was driving so couldn't answer the phone

I've just typed a long message and lost it but- I feel your pain- I have only just unclenched and DS is 21 and still lives with us. He had autism too so can be a bit naive.
I used to be dreadful as a teen and would be up to all sorts and drunk in the gutter from 16. This was the 80's and very different to now. My mum would wait up for me- she would pick me up on request any time up to midnight.
I though she was mad for worrying about me - have apologised many times now I understand it.

DS is the opposite to me- doesn't get out of control - knows his limits and gets a taxi home generally in for 3am- and only does this maybe 6/7 nights a year. We have a rule he will text me if he is not coming home and I have promised to ask no further questions! Always comes home so far You have to put your trust in them at some point and accept they are adults and not your snuggly 6 yr old.

@anothernamechangeagainsndagain
I find it helpful to be reassured by parents who have been through this and have perhaps slightly older adult dc
It is a phase/period of adjustment and I don’t think it gets talked about as much as other phases.

I am in a similar position to OP. I’ve got a dd 19 who drives. Before she was driving I worried about her being on the bus, walking back later, potentially being in a dodgy Uber…
now she drives I worry about accidents, breakdowns etc.

I try not to phone/text her as she is entitled to privacy and her own life plus don’t want to hassle her when driving. Also my anxiety is my own problem and not hers. She lives at home as she is working and studying part time and saving for a mortgage.

I try to focus on the positives. She is a good safe driver. Her car is in good order. She doesn’t drink or use drugs. She is happy and has decent friends and it would be wrong for me to try and control or monitor her social life/time away from home.

My nana always slept when I was out late/all night on the basis that if anything bad happened and I called the house she’d fear it, and if anything so bad happened she didn’t know until morning then she’d deal with it much better on a good night of sleep.

I do similar with my three older ones. They message if they’re not coming home, regardless of the time, so I don’t worry in the morning.

This reminds me of my mum and dad. No mobiles. Mum told me about it. When I want out Mum happily went off to sleep and dad would sit in bed awake until he heard my key in the door. When he questioned mum she told him she had every faith on me, I was a sensible girl and would phone if there were problems. Dad still stayed up but he thinks I never knew

I think the most important thing is to impress on them to call you if they/their friends need assistance. It's not really realistic for them to text you with every single development of a night out but if something goes tits up I do want to know. Mine do that and I'll always jump in the car. Mostly it's that someone's drunk too much/making shit up about being spiked but even that scenario I'd rather it was me than a dodgy cab getting them home and whenever I've done so I've reiterated this to them/their friends. Yes they're adults and they can run around independently but no harm in getting a helping hand from someone sober with a licence who knows how to talk to coppers etc.

Your dh is being completely unrealistic. But potentially this is his first night of being aware of that feeling of worry the first time a child is out and you don't know where they are ? You said you were the same at first, but you have now had the chance to get used to it. Your dh hasn't.

He's an adult nothing wrong with you sleeping!

Why are you at fault here? Your husband went to bed when son was out. How dare he have a different standard for you